Well, I'm not suicidal today. That's something. I was left alone at work all day and it was chill and nice and didn't hear from management all day.

I don't want to kill myself all the time. Just....because of work. And that it seems fucking impossible to get out of this situation without death, because I can't find another job and support myself and if I'm dead, I don't have to worry about that last part. I wouldn't hire me, why would anyone else? If something is deeply wrong with me in my personality and I can't be around other humans in a service capacity, then I can't live. But...you know, not every day is terrible and ripping me apart for everything I say and do. Maybe that's just the price I have to pay to stay alive are some really fucking shitty days and wanting to die on those days, that I have to be told how horrible I am. If they don't actually bother to fire me as I deserve to be fired, then...we're all in a mutual state of static dissatisfaction, as it were. Maybe it's just something to be endured, have a horrible few days every other month or so and otherwise things are what they are. This is as good as it gets as far as I can see.

After work, the weather was beautiful outside and sunny and I went walking in it for 2 hours while reading and listening to a podcast. I walked around pretty much the entire neighborhood, at one point ending up walking through the Catholic church. Which is not my usual venue, let me tell you, but they had this nice bench area in front of this pretty shrine area--turned out to be Our Lady of Guadalupe. So I put in a prayer. This is not my religion but I think all the gods are one, as it were, and god knows it can't hurt. I asked for help with the job situation--leaving it open as to what god thinks is best as long as it doesn't involve me getting fired and then being unable to find a job, and I need something equivalent with health insurance as to what I have now. If god wants to go with new job, or getting rid of management that doesn't like me and replacing them with ones who do, or sudden inheritance, you know, whatever works....oh yeah, and true love too, please?

Hey, it can't hurt.

I note that there were various flowers put on the altar/shrine/what have you, and I wanted to give a flower too, something that wasn't going to die. So I went home and quickie made a wire/felt/tape flower--I have a bunch left over from years ago I didn't totally finish off, so I just attached petals to a stem--then walked it back over and added it to a dying bouquet. A flower that won't die.

Hey, it can't hurt.

In other news, during lunch Zoom I got the idea to look for something along the lines of a rotoscope app (doesn't exist, but I love rotoscope animation) and instead found an adorable toon app that turns your photos into gorgeous cartoons. Like seriously, I am fucking BEAUTIFUL on these things. I did several and turned one into my FB profile pic. Now I previously had a Lego head version of my head on there because I have to not use an actual pic of myself in case my former bully goes looking for me. I wanted to use some of my NYE pics instead, but again, probably should not use my actual head just in case.

Anyway, people like that pic, but Scott was first to....Yeah, I know, I know, I KNOW, but I loved it anyway?! SIGH. I'm numb-er on him the last few days, probably because of work, but I cannot say I'm totally over it yet. Maybe someday. Hopefully someday. I wish I looked like that cartoon. That cartoon is fucking gorgeous. That cartoon girl could get anybody to like her.

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