Monday: I kept my head down at work today. OldBoss asked when I was going to do such-and-such and happily, I was able to say "already did it!" Muahahah, so there's a tiny thing, at least. Otherwise quiet.

Went to Green River karaoke with Ashley, which had a good crowd in, not like last week. I finally got to sing "New Rules" (requested it of Jim last week), did "Release Me" and "Torn" (which really reminds me of the you-know-who situation), finished with "Shut Up And Dance," which some others I knew would be into, a la Stephanie and her family that was in there tonight. I note that she and the other girls in her party sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" to the kid in the party, deliberately saying they were going to embarrrass him, and he literally locked himself in the bathroom! Never seen that before at karaoke. One guy sang songs in Spanish, some regulars were in, some bikers were in, all were having a good time (plus no basketball). It was all good.

Jackie says she's 100% fine with being alone for her entire life and she knows her self-worth. Well, I know mine too and it's absolutely nothing to the rest of the world, so why should I value myself when everyone else who matters thinks I'm crap?

Thought I had tonight: Scott is the only former karaoke group person who has never once told me he misses karaoke/the friend group. He doesn't miss it at all, clearly. Maybe he just misses Pyrate Matthew and that's all.

Tuesday:

Another ATMOSPHERIC RIVER DAY, according to the news it's our 12th this wintery season. TWELFTH?! How can you tell? Last year I read some weather expert saying we'd need five to seven storms to end the drought. Now we've had TWELVE and everyone still says it's a drought?! Like I know what Jamie's dad lectures about in the news all the time and why they say we'd need literal years upon years like this to end the drought, but FUCKING STILL, YOU KNOW?!?

Anyway, it's thundering and I've heard multiple sirens going off this afternoon :( I'm grateful I don't have to leave the house today or tonight. I'm enjoying my power while I still have it (as in, I'm eating dinner from 3:45-4:30 while the microwave works) and wondering if Morgan or I will be the first to black out tonight during the lessons. (Didn't, but I did have Technical Difficulties for like 10 minutes with sound. We determined that Zoom had changed my mic and her mute was on her laptop.)

Singing lesson tonight was some more Fifty Percent because she think I need "more muscle, less air," and then we changed where the breathing spaces were in "Watch What Happens" and she said to rehearse with the vocals on the app and not the piano, and, well... I think this song may end up being a long, hard slog in which she gets fed up with me after awhile? Wouldn't blame her on that? Ah well. I know what I am and what I'm worth.

I read an article today that Jamie's parents (her dad is a famous-in-his-field guy who gets interviewed about the drought a lot) donated a fair chunk of change to something-or-other in his field. I emailed her with the link and to say "go parents," 'cause they're nice people, and she said "thanks, also this now explains a lot...." and I couldn't resist making a crack like "What, like where's my inheritance and why aren't we buying another boat this year?" LOL.

Work: well, I made it through meetings today, I hope I didn't do anything that gets written up weeks from now. I brought up ONE problem email orally and openly rather than forwarding it or messaging her on Teams, she said it was a real lulu and something a manager would have to handle anyway. Ahem. I also had a meeting with higher ups from another office (weirdly, my actual contact there wasn't invited? the fuck? like, she could have answered a lot of stuff their BigBoss was asking me) and they were nice, but it was all "Can we have like, two due dates for things?" and we were all "Ask the gods of Giant Org, not our decision there, just like, give me your paperwork a month in advance is all I ask" and I think it's kind of weird that they were all, "95% of our population is done by May 1 and then 5% of stragglers aren't done until like, mid June, but we want the deadline to be mid-May." This sounds confusing, to say the least.

We also had a minor bit of Important Document Drama yet again. Two more came in the mail while I was out and Vicky was in and she saw ORANGE SPOTS on one of them. The FUCK. I complained to the printer, who is sending a free replacement. At least Vicky figured out the rest of the mail dramas today and did the shipping. The first of the ID's to be returned in the mail came back and other teammate and I were all "yeah, that's just returned in the mail," so she dealt with those too. Good for her.

It's bizarre after ripping me up, days later it's like everything is fine and I'm a respected member of the team instead of chicken fried shit? In public, I suppose.

Well, my therapist was back and was SPOT ON with me today. Wasn't fazed by my tales of last week and what happened afterwards that was...more than my usual, let's say. Said I'm being scapegoated, that they get off on scapegoating and watching me squirm, they are going to treat me like this no matter what I do because they can, but they have no intention of firing me because if they want to, they could. So this is just something I need to put up with and emotionally divorce myself from what they say. To fight back (as it were), I have to accept that they're going to do this every other month, and that's how it's going to be. It's consistent abuse, but you don't have to buy into it.

The last part is easier said than done, but I agree that's what I have to do. They are going to rip the shreds out of me every other month and savage everything I do, I'm not in a position to quit or punch them in the nose, I just need to learn to tolerate it, realize "that's just them" and deal with it instead of thinking I am a really wrong bad person. I'm just wrong and bad to them because that is how they want to see me and I'm an easy target/victim to pick on.

She also told me to research scapegoating and how to get out it if (other than quitting) because there's an art to it, and this is how my mother treats me to some degree, except her complaints are more about clothes and hair than every single word I say at work. I have to tolerate this behavior in all of my major relationships. And also, how open do I make myself to be a victim, because I assume everyone's going to treat me like that. (Because they do?).

She said I should go to the HMO again and say this is impacting my work, not approach them in a usual calm manner, but be more of a "bad day," but they WOULD insist on medication if I do that. (Um, no.) She also said I'm not suicidal if I don't have ways/means/a plan to.

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