I didn't take a sleeping pill last night and here I am awake since 4 a.m. I guess that teaches me to see, "Huh, are these things working?" or not. I'm just fucking sad in the middle of the night again.

Ugh. I'm so relapsing. I just feel fucking sad all the time about this, it's not getting better, it bothers me every fucking day, I'm not getting more "used to it" for more than a few days here and there, and is it doing me any good to stay this cold and mean? (Which is to say I heard from him yesterday, so I relapsed.) I'm up too early and listening to the Ted Lasso Breakup Mix. I do not like telling myself, multiple times, every fucking day, that he doesn't care, doesn't miss me, etc. I do not like reminding myself multiple times, every fucking day, of what he did and this is why my feelings for him need to end. It's a huge downer, to say the least, and I'm already really down between winter and work and no shows and being a general fucking failure in life, blah de blah.

But do I want to give affection to someone who doesn't want it, either? Is that good for me? No. I know that, objectively. He absolutely fucking hurt my feelings. That broke the relationship for me on multiple levels (not just the crushing aspects). That's not fixable. That's not recoverable. He very obviously meant what he said in the moment, and confronting about it only makes him feel guilty and inclined to lie.

Crumbs were better than nothing. I hate nothing. Nothing really sucks. Nobody else is coming along, are they.

Is this the right decision? I did seven months, over 100+ days, of no contact with him. It's been around two months this time. I've been giving him the cold shoulder 95% of the time since mid-August, so that's....seven months again. I seriously wonder if he's even noticed--the late response thing--or if he just like, forgot and hasn't thought about me at all. I'm so lonely and sad and that was a crumb AND I NEEDED A CRUMB, DAMMIT.

I am doing nine days of Catholic prayer novenas--to Guadalupe (see last week) and St. Anne. Man, I don't like doing it. I've got one more day to go on the first and two more on the second and the instructions online have me pray for things I do not like doing so much.

The Guadalupe one usually has this paragraph daily: "Never has it been known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, we fly to you, O Mary, ever-Virgin Mother of the true God! Though grieving under the weight of our sins, we come to prostrate ourselves before you. We fully trust that, standing beneath your shadow and protection, nothing will trouble or afflict us, nor do we need to fear illness or misfortune, or any other sorrow."

So why do I have the feeling I won't be aided? Because it's me? Jackie gave me shit the other day for not being patient and being okay with "God's time" and not being 100% really okay with being single forever like she is (though in Jackie's case, I really do not think she'd like being actually partnered with someone if that happened, so.... legit)

I did another Knitters Oracle draw, saying "What do I do about my feelings?" and drew one card: "The Knitworthy: "A loved one in querent's life, an object of affection or romantic interest, love and romance in general, emotional security.".... yeah.

Work was quiet. Not much to say there other than in office day and fixed people's names a lot. Weather was nice, at least.

After work I had signed up for a Zoom origami class (work event), but was surprised to find out I was the only one (???) in it. One other person signed up, then said she had to go, then I guess came in again and didn't say anything until the end....confusing. Well, the lady running the Zoom and the lady teaching the origami were very nice and fun to chat with. I am not the best at origami, but I gave it a go, she'll send me instructions later, and at least I had a stash of origami paper around I probably got off the free table at the Craft Center. I was also amused to find out that the teacher, Nancy, is also former CC, though she stopped around the time I started. They asked me about teaching (sure, lemme know after first week of May) and I told them about TnT and they were interested in going.

Other than that, nothing else to do in life but watch my space show.

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