Sunday morning I got up before everyone else and managed to find Jen Psaki's new show airing on MSNBC. It was pretty good, albeit she appears to have had some kind of TV makeover (spray tan?! and looks a little weird in coloration). But I liked that the concept of the show seemed to be kinda like reading Vox, in the "my goal is to explain to y'all what's going on through experts and my previous experience." I did laugh at the "Don't Freak Out" chyron n the screen at one point. She was all "yeah, they dug up about three whistleblowers, not forty" and "Doesn't look like DeSantis really has any concrete thoughts on Ukraine here." I wish it was available on any of the streaming services I already pay for, dammit.

Then after that I watched 9-5, which was great fun, and attempted to watch Bye Bye Birdie, the movie (which was a little weird in its plot changes from the play that didn't make much sense), but then breakfast was had, sigh. I wanted to do some shopping in some of the nicer stores that have opened up down, so I picked out a few birthday presents for Mom to get me. Eventually, I drove on home.

I found this over the weekend, which was very good. Related to some parts of it:

Marisa says that's because when you lose a close friend, it can feel like you're losing a part of yourself.
FRANCO: When we get close to someone, we include them in our sense of ourselves. So the loss of them literally feels like a loss of part of our identity, the loss of this experience we might have for who was drawn out in that person's company.

When we get close to someone, we include them in our sense of ourselves. So the loss of them literally feels like a loss of ourselves and a loss of part of our identity, the loss of this experience that we might have for who was drawn out in that person's company. And so the grief here is layered. It's not small. It's not insignificant. You're grieving a relationship. You're also grieving an aspect of your identity where you're just like, how can I find another place to feel this way?

I miss the person I was who had hope that something good was going to happen to her, something that she was finally going to get after so long. Maybe that's more of what i miss about him, the hope, more than anything else? I HATE that I have to go back to the barren person I was for so long, and that's the only option for me in the world now. That I can't find another place/person to feel this way with.

You know, with friendship, we're not very good at conflict in friendship. We don't make the unsaid said. So small things can kind of accumulate over time. And because they're never directly addressed, people get to a point where they want to end the friendship before actually addressing the problem. Whereas if they had intervened sooner, they might have been able to save the friendship. So that's also a pattern that I see that's really unfortunate.

You have to make the unsaid said. For me, when I find myself starting to withdraw or wanting to contact this friend less - in the past, I would withdraw, and thus the friendship would no longer be sustainable. But now I know that if I want to withdraw, that's a sign. That's a sign that I need to have a conversation about something. And it took me reframing conflict, as I read a lot of research on this, that - for example, that people that really value friendships are more likely to address issues rather than just pull away, and that having open conflict is actually linked to having deeper intimacy when the conflict is done in a very empathic way.

Yup....but I'm not sure if I want to save it, either.

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