I have been up since 5 a.m. again. Well, I went to bed at 10 so that's doing pretty good. Right now as I type (7:42 a.m.) I am feeling fine, healthy, non-suicidal. I just want to mention that because within an hour of this I'll be back in the shithole again. Right now I feel fine and normal. I wish I could feel safe to be myself in the rest of my life. People liked me this weekend, dang it.

And yup, by 8:30 I AM suicidal again because I have yet another punishment meeting. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO ALREADY AGAIN.... kill me now. I didn't eat all day--couldn't stomach it--was a pain in the butt during therapy AGAIN-- and finally, you know what it was? One "don't say "screwed up" on a document someone else could theoretically open" (ok, legit, but did not know anyone else snooped in our records after they uploaded 'em) and "you wrote too long of an email." Seriously?!? That was it for today's "weeks" of saving up problems with Jennifer? I expected to get ripped a new one for my behavior on Friday. I never know what they are going to critique me on, I swear.

Anyway, since Ashley didn't want to do karaoke, and under the circumstances of "test the anxiety gummy when you actually have some anxiety and don't plan on leaving the house," I took a full on anxiety gummy at 5. LET'S SEE HOW THIS GOES.

Answer: NOTHING. I took another half gummy after 2 hours and NOTHING. I'm so sober I could drive to Kansas. That said, Ted Lasso was good.

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