Chaos Attraction

Roger Needs Some Alone Time

2020-07-21, 6:42 p.m.

Coworker Sarah's last day. Talked to her on Zoom in the morning before the meeting, and then we had the farewell meeting/"party," and then after that, I didn't talk to her again. I thought I would, but I guess she left early to return her computer. Darn it. Well, people said very nice things and that they'd miss her, but I about wanted to barf when Grandboss started in. The total hypocrisy of "Sorry you're leaving but I didn't want you anyway!" just gets to me.

Tomorrow, we get the new one (no idea what I'll alias for her, but she'll need one since it's an uncommon name). God, I hope we get along. But I am not at my best to meet new people at work, to say the least, so...and I am out of energy to start the training all over again too. Lioness kept wanting me to do stuff and then started bugging me that I wasn't doing my actual job, to which I was all, I CAN'T JUGGLE ALL OF THIS SHIT RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW in my brain. So yeah, another fried day.

Not much else to say about the day other than I had therapy again. My therapist is back in California because her husband got sick--with something else random, not COVID-- so now what the hell is she going to do, caregiving across the continent during a pandemic? Anyway, she's back in CA for a few weeks. Hope her mother manages in the meantime.

We talked about how basically anything I do to communicate at work really pisses people off (though I don't piss people off outside of work like this), though she said that it wasn't that I'm a bad person. I think it is, personally. She thinks it's interesting that I do acting/storytelling to overcome it and if I ever do it might be a good story someday.

We talked about the texting with Scott and I said what I don't get is why I could hit it off so easy with Kelly and Shanna and that has gone very easily and fun. She said "because you are scared" and it actually is that easy with him except for being scared. Oh yeah, I forgot that this used to go easily back when we were in person. Once you start talking, it's easy, it's the getting that to happen part that's not.

Mom called me today, breaking the odd news that last week Roger sat her down and said that she should spend a few days a week at her house so that she can work on cleaning it up. I heard that and strongly suspected it was the dreaded "I need my space," a sentence that gives me the doomed-relationship-heebie-jeebies, even though in Roger's case he has been living alone for years and might be weirded out at having a girlfriend around every day for four months. Which is legit. I have no idea how the hell I'd live with anyone again after....however long I've been living alone, I forget. I got squirrely living with Mom at Christmas...though then again, that's in the hoarder house. I get along fine living at Meg's, at least. She said he said, "I will be a better person for you when we are back together."

I asked if Roger actually knows about the hoarding and she said, "He knows he can't come over because I have a lot of stuff here." While yes, it does sound like a bit of "I need my manly breathing space" was implied, he did say after that that "He considers me his forever partner." He's never gonna get into another contract with someone in his life and that's what he sees marriage as. She says that's fine, don't want to mix the finances and whatnot. "That's really the best thing."

She did admit that marriage shows that you belong to somebody and somebody cares about you to make it for the world to see, which I agreed with, as someone who knows darned well she's a loser for never having managed to get a guy to marry me. It shouldn't be that way, Mom said, and I agreed, but it is that way and nobody knows it more than the permanently single. But as I pointed out, she's already been married so she doesn't have to get into that competition again, Though the relationship is very positive even though "he doesn't give me a drawer or anything," he does share the entire house in general and buys her whatever she wants, whereas my dad made her ask if she could buy something. Not that I didn't love my dad, but sometimes he was a jerk.

Anyway, if she's fine with not getting remarried, then I say, whatever works for you. I would like to get married at some point (albeit I admit that some of that is the whole "finally I'm chosen and finally I'm worth something in society" thing) but lord knows I'm not in a rush now as long as health insurance/death/green cards aren't involved.

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