Chaos Attraction

Let It Go

2020-12-07, 7:50 p.m.

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Cast list as of November 2019

I have been angsting over contacting people in quarantine, since the theater crowd has mostly been not very talkative. I’ve also, been having issues with contacting Scott, given the whole uh, feelings thing going on there which he unfortunately figured out. I didn’t bother him much for the first five months of quarantine, as he wasn’t very talkative (would just say he’s working all the time and that was about it) and frankly it just didn’t feel like it was going very well when I tried. Unfortunately, it’s not like the poor guy had much to talk about when he is working 11 hour days, every day, no days off, and no Internet at home. He did a few online radio show readings our old director put on in the first few months and then dropped out of that and didn’t do Robin Hood, saying he was too busy to do it. Sigh.

Then well, his house burned down. And I talked to Irene from The Real World (really!) about her apartment burning down and how one assists someone in that situation. Except what with a fucking pandemic going on, it’s not like I could go over there, hug him, help him make lists, help clean debris, or what the hell ever. I tried sending some books and that went just terribly. The package was lost for 3 weeks and it turned out he already had those in audio book....yes, I try to get something for a guy whose stuff burned down in a fire and I still manage to duplicate. I suck at gifts and am not getting him more books. I donated money, which still feels weird to do for a friend in the first place and even weirder with uh, whatever we have going on. (I told my shrink it feels like bribery for affection and uh...she didn’t agree.) And ugh, he found out I did it, too.

(Dude seems to find/figures out everything I do except this journal so far, and I’m still assuming someday he finds out about that one too despite having no Internet and never reading anything other than Star Trek memes on Facebook off his phone. Don’t ask me how that would come about, but I wouldn’t put it past the universe to get fuckity with that someday, just for kicks. Oh well. If he finds out, he finds out, he’s already found out the worst anyway. If we ever get romantically together, I presume I will actually tell him about it, but as long as we’re not, I don’t see the point in mentioning it. None of my friends these days give a shit about anything I do online that isn’t my craft webpage anyway.)

Back on topic: after the fire I tried to text him multiple times a week to see how he was doing, or cheer him up or distract him with something weird, or whatever. Sometimes this went great! did not, and it’s been leaning towards not, of late, and circa fall I just started going even more bonkers alone than usual, and getting a bunch of signs/card readings/whatever, saying to go see him in person at work, something I was trying to avoid since he works retail and well, pandemic.

So I did, and he said he was fine, and we hugged, and oh dear god I needed that...and I did it a couple more times and brought gifts that went over presumably better than the books, i.e. stuff I made and I photocopied as much play memorabilia as I had around the house to duplicate. And then the third time that didn’t go too well, and the texting thing wasn’t going great either and he stopped responding to texts, and I just felt like maybe I should just bug off and stop bothering him, so I stopped trying for November. Then he actually texted me at Thanksgiving and said not to worry about it, but.... yeah, right, like I ever stop worrying about whether or not I’m being Too Much, I always worry about being Too Much for people who don’t want me, or much, or whatever. And given his whopping Not Ready Yet-ness and pandemic and fires and working a lot and obviously being drained dry and everything sucks, I’m trying to give space....I just hate space and every time I think of that word with regards to emotions I have shitty ex deja vu. But I don’t want to be smothery or demanding either.

I miss him and I have stuff I want to say to him, but I am just out of ideas as to how to make conversation over text. I don’t think he’d want to do live phone calls and those are very demanding and force a response out of you immediately, so I’m not gonna do that. If he’s not in the mood, if he doesn’t know of what pop culture thing I speak, if he somehow loses his sense of humor for the night and no longer finds penis jokes funny, if he just kinda nods along with whatever I’m blathering on about....god, I dunno. I swear he talks more in person usually, but everything sucks these days. I’m very jealous of all of those people who are all “we fell in love over the Internet, we just kept talking for hours!” Like, how the hell do they do it? How is my neighbor having 4-5 hours of conversation at a time with his girlfriend?

What it really boils down to is, I know we can’t get together now, during the pandemic, probably not after the pandemic either, who the hell knows if ever. I don’t want to lose him out of my life though and would rather have him around as a friend even if that’s all that ever goes on, but just letting things be means that the friendship dies. I know that from experience with many other people over the years, which is why I am freaking so bad about him (and the other theater people, which is a similar rant), about it. He is not good at reaching out and admits it, so fine, I know I have to be the one that does it.... but I hate it when I initiate and it feels like it doesn’t go well and then I wish I hadn’t bothered him. And more and more of that is going on, and the way things are going these days I don’t think I should go by in person any more, or at least not while everything is getting so much worse. I have not 100% ruled this out entirely this month, both for purposes of “I did theoretically order some stuff” and if I actually give him a Christmas gift or not, but I know I shouldn’t do it. And when even that started falling flat...

I don’t know what to do to keep whatever this is going enough to last through a pandemic. It has to be all on me, I don’t feel like whatever I do really, I dunno, works... and I keep debating giving up, because I have no clue, I’m out of ideas, and I feel like all I do is hit wrong notes on a piano. To quote from another online tarot reading, “they hold a great distance.” He keeps holding his, I can’t really do much from here, and so there it goes. I swear, if we didn’t have this weird magical....thing...going on, with a shit ton of synchronicities (and that’s still going on even when I’m indoors all the time, even if it’s not as much as it used to be), well, this whole thing wouldn’t be going on over a year later, now would it. I would have been long over this. This...thing... is why I keep sticking with it even though it all seems quite pointless these days. But well, that stuff’s in person more than it ever was online, and things are suffering for that.

I just wonder all the time if I should keep trying--if so, how? what the hell else is there?--or just let it die the natural death the whole thing seems to want to do. Dude has (or at least had, who knows any more, dude is numb) some feelings for me, just not as much as I have for him, I presume. I can tell that he knows that there’s something unusual here, despite being a Muggle. Like in the beforetimes he literally answered stuff before I even asked or said anything about it. There’s just this unconscious getting of each other in person....and boy, is that not going on while apart indefinitely.

How am I supposed to not doubt?

I’ve been circling the drain on giving up on trying so much with him for the last few months. I think I’ve about decided officially to stop trying to make conversation with him. He doesn’t have the energy, doesn’t want to let me in, is off being emo in the corner, whatever the hell is going on, and in general, trying to maintain a relationship with him beyond the occasional text isn’t going to happen if he can’t/won’t. I feel bad initiating all the time if he’s not into it most of the time. Even if it’s not personal, it feels personal. I’m tired of feeling bad because I tried.

I think I have mostly decided to give up on trying with him. I think I’ll still make him the present I had in mind, which I may or may not deliver myself (or suck it up and go to FedEx, maybe, they probably have less people in there at a time), maybe text once at Christmas, and otherwise just...I guess wait it out until the pandemic’s over. Maybe in another two years if things are better, if people can go be in plays in person again without the risk of horrible death, if they get any more employees at his store, and if he ever gets over whatever shit he has going on, there might be a chance to develop things more in a way that works for him. But clearly distance texting during a pandemic does not work too well and there isn’t any other safe and reasonable option* and even God has no suggestions for how to make this go better/work out/feel less like I’m being Too Much again every time there’s a swing and a miss.

* Facebook has been brought up, but I’m scared of participating on Facebook and find it boring, and according to him he never posts anything on social media anyway, so no point in that.

Last night I did some oracle card draws on advice about this and I got stuff like “Acceptance” and “Self-Respect” (every time I text and he doesn’t respond, I feel like I lose mine) and “Keep A Positive Outlook” and “Have Confidence,” and frankly, most of that is hard to maintain when I end up feeling shitty for trying. I know he can’t, is doing the best he can, etc. so it’s on me to deal with my own damn self, alone, because that’s not going to change in the next few years of hellscape. I don’t feel like there is anything else I can do except let him go and maybe in a few years, see if he’s doing better. I need to accept that this is just how things are, and that’s not going to change short of a miracle. Let it go.

So, I’ll care about him from afar and otherwise just... I guess revisit trying to develop more of a friendship and/or whatever in another two years. This isn’t what I want to do, but I’m out of reasonable ideas to try long distance and I shudder to think of what happens if I get unreasonable, probably make things worse and turn into a real nutjob. That said, it’s gonna be a downer conversation with my therapist about this tomorrow. She’s been rooting for this and frankly, I have too. But oh well, that’s just how my life goes and that is especially how pandemic life goes.

Time to mostly let it go. Let him do whatever he wants, and we’ll see if anything can improve years from now.

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