Monday: In office day today. I killed some idle time writing a letter to Cameron and otherwise slowly poking through doing thrilling things like deleting old documents and sorting through email templates since nothing urgent was going on after like 10 a.m. I did have a meeting with NewBoss who says I only have to work front counter once a month (yay) and otherwise discussed the email templates and me going though website procedures to weed out old shit. This was combined with conversations about hating winter and socks and being bored while not in a theater show, lol. Also, I found out one of our tech guys is on medical leave of some kind (eek) and his boss emailed to say "we can't send you these reports like that, but maybe we could actually like, improve some things?" and I was all "yes, please do that." Of course that's up to management, but we'll see.

Tuesday: It's Valentine's Day and I'm home alone and drunk by 5:30 because I haven't eaten meat all day AND THAT'S AWESOME AND THE BEST WAY TO SPEND THIS DAY UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. I finished the chocolate wine and broke out the boxed wine to feel EXTRA FANCY.

Work: who cares, had boring meetings, crocheted a lot while waiting for stuff to come in blah blah blah. Had irritating arguments in which I was all, other people make the decisions here and not me. I finished one ball of the remaining three balls of yarn and that covered six inches of skirt, so that's doing pretty good.

Therapy didn't go terribly well, or at least trying to resolve my shit didn't, I'm not up to writing about it much. Well, what is there to say when you ARE a loser and nobody wants you and people tell you that you suck all the time? There's no way to make that truth better. She was all "stop telling yourself you're crap," but I can't do that because that's the truth in my heart and it is screaming. She thinks the sweaters are wonderful and I discount them, but frankly, that just doesn't do enough for me on am emotional level like it does theater and I don't want a craft business. I can't make that work with my lopsided can't-do-math brain, and I'm sorry, but ain't nobody spending $1500 on a yarn thing, not even me.

She did point out that I don't care about my job, which is true. I don't WANT to give excellent customer service, I want to do the gentleman's C about it enough to get people off my fucking back and that's it. Helping people is not my passion in life. And really, for all the harping they do at me, phones and front counter is maybe 5% of my year. Why is that more important than anything else?! I wasn't hired or transferred into doing service all the time, for fuck's sake. But they are insane and I have to buy into their insanity, and the job keeps me alive (as long as I want to stay alive, anyway), so....

I got discontinued from murder mystery for not responding (which is fair) and after weeks of trying to talk myself into it, I just couldn't get myself back into it. Sigh. Why can't I make the choices that would be better for me, like that, or a damn craft business?!

Oh, and I just found out. Not only did I NOT get into Avenue Q, SCOTT DID GET INTO AVENUE Q. Excuse me, he who was all "I never saw it and I won't even drive that far away, snob snob snob" auditioned and got in?!? THE FUCK?! He got Rod. Morgan got Lucy and one of the bears, Omar got sorta-Trekkie( backup arm?) and the other bear and Mrs. Thistletwat. They just used the same people over and over again to do the bit parts and the little boxes and whatever. That Helena chick who was so good at everything? Didn't even get in. Or the African-American girl either. Carter and Erik didn't get in either. Didn't recognize half the names. Oh, and Hugo got in as Brian despite not being able to do the audition. Huh?! Only three women got in at all (I note they still have no Christmas Eve).

That's it. I'm not auditioning at anywhere other than DMTC or Winters again. I can't even get in at a small new place. I give up. I'm not good enough for ANYONE EVER. Seriously, I've been dreaming of this for months. Practicing for months. And I'm not good enough. And he just strolls in and gets in. Fucker. I hate him. The one nice thing about this is that it screws him out of doing Sweeney Todd and Tony n' Tina, so there's that.

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