Wednesday:

I only "slept" for a few hours last night, cried a lot instead, and spent several hours downloading and "chatting" with Woebot while it politely did CBT on me. I thought about calling in sick, but figured I didn't need more time vacantly sitting around with my own shitty thoughts and did not. That did help to do tedious quiet things, at least.

Tap class went all right, we did choreography on our "number," I keep thinking I'm missing a bunch of subtle heel action. Who knows, not I, I keep working on it.

Now I am home and it is time to drink again. I'm dragging myself through the second Dr. Strange movie. Hating it. Not knowing what's going on and it's an ugly movie. Blech.

Did hear from (Redhead) Sarah wanting to get together Saturday afternoon--as usual, we'll see if that happens or not. Suggested plans, but maybe I'll just do them alone?

Did more Woebot, it thinks I should go to bed at 10:10 every night. I was all lolnope. The whole CBT thing about not taking every single thing negatively is um, good points though.

Thursday:

Today I picked up random eggs--don't ask me why a house left six eggs out on a plate outside in the morning, but three (plus a plastic bag!) were still there when I was walking home. I also found a random playing card. Years ago I would have found heart cards--today it was the Joker, which is appropriate for now, isn't it?

Other than that: in office day, piddled around on various tasks, gave up and crocheted in office the last hour or so of the day because I was really out of shit to do and no managers of mine were around. I get it all done, what can I say if nothing much is coming in.

There was something called "No Fash Fest" going on at Giant Org today. Rachel had told me about it on Monday because she'd been asked to break out the strike kitchen again. She was pretty pleased about being asked but had no idea what "No Fash" was. Me either ("no fashion?!"). I wandered out on break circa 11 and spotted her out there, waiting for the stove. I made sure to tell my in-office coworkers there was a free food alert and at least one person took up on it. I was busy during the lunch hour but briefly snuck out circa 1 and got myself some pancakes and a bagel. The guy was very nice about apologizing that they were out of real cream cheese and were down to cashier cream cheese, which wasn't bad, and he nicely cut and spread it for me. No Fash Fest turned out to be an anti-cop event, with signs, screenprinting of anti-cop shirts, and various booths. Huh.

I have nothing to do after work today and after walking home, was all, "it's still light outside, maybe I should do...something....?" No, it's still 50ish degrees out and unpleasant for that. So, home for more yarn and television.

Ashley called to say that they've decided it's not worth bothering to replace a valve in her heart after her partial heart failure and it's vaguely kind of sounding like they're heading towards full on heart transplant territory. However, she says if she fails a stress test, and she will, then she can't get that, so what else do they do....? wait in limbo for another few months, apparently. She said she didn't know what to do and I said well, you can't do anything, they're going to decide for you so you just...sit in limbo. Then she went off to play VR golf, which I hope is distracting. It sounds like they're not committing to anything yet, but I seriously wondered if it was "you need a heart transplant but you can't tolerate one," like....are they just going to let her die...?

I did the Woebot thing today to do more language reframing and it wanted me to say three statements about being mad. I started out with "I am mad at (redacted)" and it was all "You triggered crisis mode! Are you in crisis?" and I was all "nooooooo... where did this come from?" Anyway, it settled down, ignored my "I am mad at" statement and asked for three more statements, which I had to make um, milder. I think I'm grateful Woebot isn't nearly as goddamned disturbing as what I read about that Bingbot today. YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES.

I hated last night's movie, but tonight I'm watching Shang-Chi (which I did not bother to get out to a theater to see because I don't have any interest in shit like The Eternals that has no set up beforehand, and this did not), and THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER! Awkwafina is a fucking delight. The bus fight is a delight. SOME RANDO ON THE BUS FUCKING LIVESTREAMING AND DECIDING TO COMMENT ON THE FIGHT IS SO FUCKING CHOICE. And then "A GUY WITH A FREAKING MACHETE FOR AN ARM JUST CHOPPED OUR BUS IN HALF, SHAUN!!!!" And she totally makes fun of changing his name to a very similar name, which is what I wanted to do! Love this girl in this movie.

Friday: I dreamed that my mom told me she never gave birth to me and had a surrogate. I was all "so explain the Ancestry DNA tests showing I'm related to my aunt and cousins, then, and that big ol' stomach scar on you." Dreams are stupid.

Went to Kaiser this morning. Ran into Jean (costumes) on my way out. The conversation, in its entirety: Her: "I saw that the whole gang got into Avenue Q." Me: "And I didn't. I suck." Jean: "Well, we like having you around here." and she gave me a hug. If you knew this lady, she doesn't come off as the huggy type. AWWWW. ...That said, still feeling sad here.

Work was quiet and filled with crochet and the occasional question answering, la la la. Giant Org, copying the state, is declaring the pandemic over at the end of the month. Sigh.

Heard from Cameron, who apparently wrote hers before mine arrived because she asked how Avenue Q went (sigh). She said she got cast in Art (the current Winters play, which was supposed to be all men....THEY COULDN'T GET ENOUGH MEN), asked if I'm going to do TnT again, she's not sure, will decide how she feels after Art because it's very talky and there's a lot to memorize, says they have rehearsal every day so she may not even be permitted to go to Stitches. Poor girl, they're doing like, every weekend all day?! Yikes.

Singing lesson tonight: obviously I wasn't looking forward to it this time. I did not want to talk about it, but she made me. Said I did pretty well but ran out of air a little on the first song and should have done the second song more nasal, you don't know what the director is going for, but it's a really hard show and well... I'm not up to handling that, apparently. (Also, the girl we thought would get it? Apparently put herself as a "package deal" with Erik, who only wanted one part, so that's why she isn't in. Damn.)

sigh I'm probably never going to be good enough, am I. I just need to shoot for lower, not higher.

Beyond that, we did all of "Lost In The Brass" again (I admit I figured we'd start something new, but whatever), showing teeth and changing pronunciation and things like that.

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