In office day. Boring. Did lists of things, some mail. We have two offices we use for hoteling and usually I reserve my old office as much as I can. Well, I was stuck reserving the other office today. Which really isn't bad other than (a) I don't have the key for it like I do my old one and (b) it's right next to a boss office and is thus kind of noisy. My other teammate parked in my usual office. I did not want to unpack all my crap, take it home and then bring it all back again tomorrow and tried to be all "hey, want to move your stuff to other office and I can leave stuff in here, or just not switch offices?" and she didn't seem to get it, sigh. She did finally let me leave my backpack in the usual office but said she was bringing all her stuff home. She's nice and a hard worker but kinda...I dunno, phlegmatic at times in conversation? Sigh.

I did discover a few things today: (a) found an egg with a raffle ticket in it, (b) discovered that SHEEP MOWING was happening a few blocks away from my office. I've been hearing about the sheep mowing thing going on, but it was always on some far-ass edge of GiantOrg. I spotted it during break and then brought Rachel (we were having lunch again) over to look at them towards the end of lunch. I took some pics, we got some free stickers and coloring paper, it was all good.

And after work, I left to go see Scott's show. I hadn't been to that area before--I don't think I've even been to that county much, it's pretty North Bay--but it did have a very nice one lane drive past large bodies of water and that was pretty, if narrow, and an easy way to find your way there. I did kind of freak out because it was off and on sprinkling--I hadn't planned on driving for an hour to this thing if it was raining--but thankfully that didn't go on much. I think the big rain production is going on tomorrow (again).

The theater was in a very nice richie-rich town with a huge nice theater and it had its own art gallery. Right away when I walked in, I spotted his parents in the back, but thankfully their backs were turned. The girl asked me my name and I was trying to whisper it and not be heard, which I got away with. I then hid in the art gallery, which was really awesome actually, until they let people go into the theater. His parents sat towards the back of the front section and I sat in the way back, so they never spotted me. I got a seat next to the door so I could run for it. I kept feeling uncomfortable as long as all the lights were on in case they turned around, but they did not, they just kept looking at his phone. Then the lights went down, whew.

I...can't say I liked the plays, really. I get the feeling that the director liked/picked angsty ones and I wasn't always getting what was going on. I won't bother getting into the first and third ones. The two Scott were in were....well, one of them was three liars on a private plane and the pilot has died. One claims to be a lawyer named Ingrid (she's Asian), the other one claims to be a doctor, and both of them seem to have snuck on for the original people. Scott, meanwhile, ran in from the side door, ran through the audience--I was so glad I was in the far back!--and was playing a liar running from the FBI. Too bad he claimed to be a pilot, right? Felt like Catch Me If You Can. I note that the playwright's notes were about it being absurd and "idiots trying to survive a plane crash."

The other one he did was two friends reuniting ten years after one of them moved away and doesn't seem to have really explained why (other than it was high school and if your dad moves, you move). He did very well at them, of course, I've missed watching him perform, he's always giving good voice and being quirky and entertaining. And frankly, I enjoyed watching him from a distance without him knowing I was there. No baggage or angst that way, just admiring. I was very worried about a few things: (a) his parents or anyone else from his family being there and spotting me, (b) me unexpectedly laughing and then The Cackle gives away that I'm there. I was really worried about that last one. Well, no need to worry because in general, none of it was very funny beyond the occasional quiet chuckle. (The first play had a line about "my dorm room is kinda haunted and everyone is kinda gay.")

I had planned to leave early--after his second and last show--so as to get the heck out of there and not be spotted if I hung around until the end. For all I know after he was done, he could have gone into the lobby or the audience or something. That's what I did do and I feel good about it. It also worked out because Ashley called right after that, freaking that her heart transplant may be moved up (more or less, who knows), so I ended up dealing with that while driving home. All of her heart stuff is very confusing--she seems to have Incidents/heart too fast/heart too slow/passing out about every other day, the new medication isn't working, she may end up getting hospitalized long term soon but who knows...it sounds like her "team" change their minds like a girl changes clothes, har har. Every other day it seems like there's a new tentative plan.

Overall, I feel good that I did it, and frankly, that I got away with it. It would have been weird had I been caught since it's not like he invited me, I just saw it off a mailing list (doesn't look like he invited anyone, it wasn't on FB), and that would DEFINITELY indicate I care more about him than he does about me. Lord knows he wouldn't even drive a half hour to my town to just see ME, ahem. And yeah, probably in creepy stalker territory. But hey, as long as nobody knows. (And as for posting it on the internet, as long as it's not social media, nobody finds it or gives a shit.)

I really miss having someone to love and care for and hope about, is the thing. I do miss watching him act and thinking that someday I could be the girlfriend of the guy who can do that, sigh. I'll never mean more than that.

I really, really hate that my life is so fucking barren emotionally and I have no hope of anything that really bothers me getting better. I pray and pray and on the big topics, I get NOTHING. (I did pray to get through the show without him finding out I was there though, so I got that one.) Nothing changes, my work continues to be horrible, and I run around in places to meet people and never meet anyone who'd look at me twice that I'd look at twice. I'd love to actually direct my love and caring to someone who wants it, and frankly, I don't just wanna get a cat for that and stuffed animals and pillows don't cut it.

I hate that it's been nineteen years and nobody's wanted me. I can't have hope with that track record. That's what I miss about Scott, a lot. Having an object of affection. I also like him for himself, such as that is...or was before August, anyway. But...this is the (shitty) way, isn't it. GEE, WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF I COULD TALK WITH MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS.

On a related note, I just found this video: Why The Fearful Avoidant Wants To Act Like They're In A Relationship Without Committing and I was all THAT'S IT!!! THAT'S HIM!!!

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