Even though THE PANDEMIC IS OFFICIALLY OVER MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, my HMO said they'd still provide free covid tests through mid-November. Good job, them. I know they sucketh on high for mental health (see below), but they're pretty good about everything else, at least, which is why I stick with them. And per conversations with everyone else, they're not better elsewhere. I did hear that my work offers some kind of partial insurance for people with my HMO, but I need to look into that.

Work: I feel like I dodged a bullet because someone randomly emailed me in the public email box saying my phone was disconnected. I....have no idea? I don't want to check though. The last thing I want is people calling me and complaining about my voice yet again, and also the phone worked semi-terribly through the phone and tech support never did fix that, and you may or may not hear me or the other person through the computer as is. I hope nobody saw it and I moved it out, but NewBoss got on me for not answering public emails yesterday because I was working on projects (also part of my job, hello, you knew I was doing that stuff, for fuck's sake, why is this being nitpicked...I also said "uh, it'll be done and back to normal tomorrow.") She said other people should be doing that stuff. Ugh. Two more days to go, I guess.

After work: I paid for one more tap class, which sadly my teacher wasn't doing. It was the sub, Abby, who did a good job of just working on tricky steps. Lotta jumping and turning though. It's definitely more of a workout doing her classes, for sure. Then afterwards I went to Ashley's (she seemed to be feeling some mild medical distress but it seems to have gone away, so no ER or anything) and watched game shows and The Masked Singer again. Tonight, Alicia Witt (guessed by Ken Jeong) and Melissa Joan Hart (guessed by everybody BUT Ken Jeong, who always has to be different). It looked like they were having a good time.

Therapy: I had the appointment with the new temporary therapist, Allison, which went flabbergastingly well. I explained the "my therapist is mostly AWOL and my HMO is crap" (she agreed that out of pocket is best rather than HMO's), but said there's a possible other option I can try to look into should I discontinue therapy with this one. We'll see. She said it's only five sessions (figures), so will do about every other week. Since I have limited time and my work situation is unsolvable in any reasonable way, I gave a brief rundown on that, and my not being diagnosed with anything yet I'm still awful, and mostly just stick to explaining the whole Scott situation.

At this point, what I've wanted to say to my therapist for weeks, and what I did say to this one, is:

(a) I've been doing cold turkey/low to no contact for eight months and I still feel like crap and like I'm an asshole as a friend (or so-called one, anyway) and I'm not necessarily all that "over it" yet (though I note still having him around occasionally would negate that anyway) and it's not like I can 100% purge him from life at this point. This isn't making me feel any better to do what I'm doing.

(b) Even though most of me wants out, I don't entirely want out, and out isn't totally an option anyway. And I don't want open feud to be happening either, making everyone uncomfortable at shows.

(c) I have been debating whether or not to talk to him about what he did or at least explain why he's getting the cold shoulder/is no longer knitworthy. Do what I'd call the easy version-- i.e. "I don't want to care about you more than you care about me any longer, I'm dialing it back, you don't want that level of affection out of me anyway, and I gave you inappropriate gifts and got you all wrong. Or .... the hard version, i.e. "You made me feel like complete humiliated embarrassed shit and I've never heard someone so horrified and repulsed about me in my LIFE."

I wanted to discuss all of that, and I got to. She asked if I just wanted to talk or to get advice, and I was all, definitely advice. If I'm possibly going to run into him in the next few weeks or in future shows, I want to know what to do.

She said I did a good job of not pretending that everything is great, and on handling the gift. She said it sounded incredibly painful, it hurts because I still feel the emotional tie (even though I cut it), said that covid ruptured relationships. This feels like a major loss because it felt so good and now it's been replaced. It's very hard to let go of this rare find (especially when I went without for 15 years and may never find a replacement again). She said I'm getting a range of advice between "ditch him forever" vs. "just be friends." She said I closed up the relationship. She suggested writing a letter to myself and I'm all "already did." Check! She said I seemed in touch with things. Is answering my own question good enough?

It was a really hurtful response out of him--on a dime things changed--on a dime, I stopped going the extra mile. She asked if I think I have an accurate reading and I said mostly? I don't 100% know for sure, but I think that was a true and honest reaction and it wasn't good when it comes to me. She asked what set him off, and I said, "people thinking we were a couple. That's why I've avoided him ever since." He could give a polite answer every time people think he and Cameron are a couple, but not me. With me, it was fucking horror. It was unilateral and I don't know what to make of it, other than the worst possible answer. She said he may miss cues, he hasn't brought it up (I pointed out we haven't been around each other much and especially not since Birthday Season).

If I could continue as normal (before the incident), what would happen? I presume it'd be kinda same old, same old, except I can't act the way I used to, knowing the truth, knowing what I know. I can't really fake that too much any more except when around him up close.... then I get kind of back into that mode again.

What would I want if I talked to him? I....don't know, exactly. I kind of wish things could get better, but also think it might get worse. She said he seems like a fade away type. If I want to get it off my chest, get clarity--is that what I want? Not sure. I don't think I want him to REALLY tell me how he feels about me because that'll only make it worse, (Thinking of this now, I guess I just kind of want him to know what damage he did....not that that's a good idea to take with anyone.) On the wish level, is there possible repair? Do I just need to get it out regardless of outcome? I run the risk of making it more awkward/worse, but it's already awkward.

Is it enough to just be friends, if that's doable? Though given how I am on getting over people, the best way to do so would be to... not (or at least she said I sound that way, which I do).

She said if I could continue on, the middle ground would be best. I agree. Because my cold-ass behavior is not me and I don't like it, even if he well, deserves it.

100% cold turkey didn't sit well. Cutting off hasn't worked. What would a middle ground look like? I should try to re-engage. Am I ok with dialing it up a bit? All options are on the table.

Whether or not I tell him is not an easy yes or no. What are the expectations before I do it? Having the last word sometimes makes you feel like you regain power.

She said I need to do what might make me feel better. There's the worst outcome (open feud/cold shoulder on both our parts, in public), there's the best outcome (honestly, I wish things could go back to the way they were circa late October 2021, but that's not realistic), and then there's the middle. She said to feel my way through it. Things have been very turned off--re-establish a little bit of a relationship and then bring it up.

So, there we are. That helped an enormous lot. We shall see. I feel better about a possible game plan, anyway.

On a related note, I read this today.

"That reversed Two of Cups is a misunderstanding, otherwise buried in general, directional agreement. So maybe you have the same goals but differ as to implementation. Maybe something important is being overlooked. Maybe you’re on the same page in many ways, but there isn’t a clarity and that is causing issues. It’s a near-hit, but not quite here. That’s the general state of communication next week. In terms of addressing this (should you need to), let’s take the high road as much as possible. That doesn’t mean ignore. It means emphasize areas of agreement, but don’t pretend there is nothing to reconcile. Because it’s the lack of communication that gets us feeling stuck here. It’s more important to align goals than methods for achieving them. Remain open to a “look at what works” approach, because it will get you further. It would be nice if that encourages others to do the same. But I can’t promise that, so don’t make it conditional. Just know the finish line is the goal, not the path you take to get there. Another thing I can promise: your own peace of mind is always best set as a DIY project. Don’t compromise on the goal but be ready to do whatever’s required to get there. Bridge where possible to find greater harmony, even if it’s just lines of thought you’re bridging."

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