Today: also hating life and work and fucking up AGAIN--seriously, I don't know how the fuckups happen but somehow if it's anything involving my specialty it ends up being my fault. In this case, what I suspect was some technical error on a computer program I'm sure will bounce back on "Jennifer's fault" again. Looks like Program A was fine and then did not transfer at all to Program B (which happens periodically), but then that ends up being me again...sigh.

Case loads are up so high that the nearest other giant org to ours is now shutting down to the public for apparently all of January. I'm waiting for us to be next, probably tomorrow?. Though much as the whole "pandemic of the unvaccinated" slogan does not appear to be working out these days when literally almost everyone is having a breakthrough case with three full shots of vaccine, I note that the numbers for the unvaccinated are waaaaaaaay worse. On the other hand, my town has 300+ people with it now AND THAT'S BEFORE EVERYONE COMES BACK FROM THE BREAK, MY GOD. I'm just wondering at what point lockdown 2.0 happens for real now.

I actually had therapy today. My therapist--once again in NYC and I assumed once she said she was going there for the holidays this was going to happen--has Covid. Well, so far hasn't tested positive yet, but her mother did, so we know how that goes. She said she felt fairly bad for a few days but otherwise seems at least somewhat fine? Had like one giant cough and otherwise was okay enough to do a distracting-to-her therapy session, at least. Her mother is 98 but doing fine.

So we had a long chat about how I don't want to have fights/be confrontational/deal with my goddamned apartment manager about the heat again and how I think it's easier to just put on more clothes than argue that I want a new heater when the old one from the 70's "works," and this led into being secretly mad and resentful at certain people about certain things. She was all "so are you secretly resentful at me about anything?" and I said no to that. I'm just hurt at Scott on the present thing because I'm not normally gift-grabby or gift-obsessed, it clearly meant I'm no longer present-worthy, and she was all "well, maybe he just couldn't think of anything, like I couldn't think of anything for my best friend this year and I told her that and she was fine." She likened it to ghosting and what's different was that the norm changed. I said I'm never giving him anything again and she said "yeah, every time someone says that they end up doing it again," which, true.

She asked what kind of a relationship do I want to have with him and well, that's the confusing thing there. It is more circumstantial/in person than anything else, which isn't great for a long lasting relationship. She did say I have grown in good ways from dealing with this stuff, though. I said I don't want to be giving if it's unwanted and she said "why not be nice to someone you care about?" and said that she'd messaged her old crush in Colorado to ask how he was with the fires and all (shitty, I guess, though his place didn't burn). "All that matters is one person reaching out to another." If they don't want you to, they will disappear.

I told her I was debating whether or not to bug Scott about being in Urinetown or not. On the one hand: I think he'd make an excellent Officer Lockstock. On the other hand, maybe it's time we moved on from being around each other, ahem. She said as a friend, I should mention it.

Rehearsal tonight: went well. Notable moments:

(a) This was the last night we're allowed to sneak out and watch scenes from the audience. Dannette was out with the rest of us watching the scene where Max gets arrested and Leo and Ulla run off to Rio, and then I guess it occurred to her to go help with the scenery change. So she gets up, crosses the stage in the dark. Meanwhile, on the other side, Eddie's hauling his bench out for his prison cell scene, also in the dark, gets tangled in the curtain, has no idea Dannette is coming like a little bullet, and, well, bowling for people happened and Dannette hit her head. I'm happy to report she's fine, Sherilyn is a nurse and checked her, and Dannette told me afterwards she's had worse falls, like the time she fell into a hay bale during a farm show.

I'm reading a book called "The Love Curse of Melody McIntyre" (an awesome book to be reading during a show), which is about a stage manager at a high school and all the theater people think the theater is cursed since the old one burned down and a lot of bad stuff has happened in it, so they keep coming up with new superstitions to make the bad luck go away. I feel like this moment would have spouted one.

(b) Nate briefly comes out as the ah, houseboy at Roger's. He's wearing the most garishly loud muumuu dress they could find in this, which is hilarious already. But then tonight he also came out in a pink wig. I thought that was great. BUT during the "is Dannette okay?" moment I overheard him and Jean (costumes) talking about the wig, because one of the Andy/Andi's (I'm guessing the latter one, I think that's a hot button issue for her) saying him wearing the wig was transphobic. Nate politely but firmly disagrees with that and sounded like he might quit playing that part if this is a thing. I agree with Nate: really, literally, at Roger's? ROGER HIMSELF HAS A WIG AND DRESS ON. This is the least transphobic place in 1959. This is a gay-friendly show. I think it's fine and keep the wig, but we'll see what happens tomorrow night, I guess.

(c) Springtime for Hitler was too slow, grr, argh. Just saying, it was a little weird. I did get some people to help dress me for the costume change though, so YAY there, and also whew.

(d) Eddie also agrees with Stacy and I about the whole "way too much smoke" thing. Seriously, the smoke was in the air for like at least 10-15 minutes after that, freaky.

(e) Jean continued to complain about me wanting to wear literally well, anything under the Bavarian skirt. Which is to say she gave me underwear. I was....deeply unthrilled about this. I am not a person who prances around in panties at well, any point in my life. I'm not that slutty (not that anyone wants me, right) but if I'm going to be skimpy anywhere, it's gonna be the front rather than the rear. Ugggggggggggggh I do not like this, I thought when she said something under it, it was gonna be comedy bloomers. WHY ARE THERE NOT COMEDY BLOOMERS?!

Not thrilled at this in front of an audience, and yes, DUDE IS FLIPPING MY SKIRT UP ENOUGH THAT'S HAPPENING. I am smacking him down for realz :P (Disclaimer: not to diss Arie, that is what he's supposed to be doing, but it was VERY apparent tonight and that's when I personally felt The Ick.

(f) On a related note, Arie finally got a haircut and it looks so much better than his long hair. Good job. Also looks more period.

(g) I forgot to mention that the other guys at Roger's (who aren't Isaiah, with the crotch) are wearing blazers and pants and shirts that frankly, look like they're in Miami Vice. It has to be said.

(h) I walked up backstage at one point and heard Jan talking about next year's run of shows: Beauty and the Beast (YAY!), Cabaret (uck), possibly Fiddler (eh...), Kinky Boots (YAY!) and Sweeney Todd (haven't seen it, can't say, my cousin Matt loves it though). And of course she talks about who's in Urinetown. So I asked Scott and he gave his usual maybe, has been listening to the soundtrack a bit. I said I watched the video on YouTube the other day and said I thought he'd make a good Officer Lockstock. He was all "the cop guy?" (he hasn't seen much of it) and I was all, "yeah, I can see you saying, "It's not a happy musical." Which he did on command. Verified. Anyway, who knows there, I said my piece, it's up to him, WHATEVER.

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