Here I Go Again/Is This Love
2020-01-21, 12:02 a.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
This is gonna be another entry where half the day sucked and the other half was great.
I hate my job.
They made sure I was OUT OF THAT OFFICE immediately and immediately took my name off the door. It took weeks to get someone to put it on, but it’s like an hour to take it off? Also, there is no room. Lioness called out sick and didn’t bother to pack up her stuff AND my coworker who’s out ill still has her stuff in the drawer, and they couldn’t give me another drawer because one won’t fit in there. I know better than to ask, “can we move her stuff to a storage drawer?” even though THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE. Seriously, she’s in no shape to come back and we all know it, and one of her relatives should come by and get her stuff at this point anyway (if a miracle happened, she could bring it back). Also I doubt she’s missed her blanket and file folders for eight months.
It’s really ironic that for 3 years I wanted back into that office and now that I am, I am somewhat grumpy about it.
Also in the Monday morning meeting, we had to talk, once again, about Our Office Values. Four have been proposed to “guide us” like a compass. We were encouraged to speak up about our thoughts, and write them to BigBoss this week, because it’d be so terrible if we don’t get to have our say and end up with values we’re not comfortable with. Everyone sat there. “What, nobody has ANY thoughts?” I said please don’t ask me my thoughts and they left me alone...for the moment. I expect a nag email to go out about this this week, to which I will respond, “They’re fine.”
My actual thoughts: what is the point? Seriously, Values is a thing that executives do to look like they care. They have an official set of values for the entire org here, which sounds great, but trust me, can anyone name ONE of them? Does anyone actually think of them except when we have to fill out our performance reviews and explain how we follow them? A month from now, I won’t remember what Our Office Values are. I don’t remember what previous BigBosses set as our values before this. Because it means NOTHING in the world of practicality.
If we had actual values, it’d be like “get stuff done,” “treat your peons like shit” (I’m biased today), “always be firefighting,” and “move ‘em in, move ‘em out,” which is for all practical reasons what we do here. They wanted to talk about “integrity” (I gave up on mine years ago), “commitment” to our clientele (I’ll be fair, this is the one thing we got down), and “cooperation” and “innovation,” which we have HUGE problems with because other offices don’t have the resources to help us with innovation and getting their cooperation for that is a bitch. I would just cross that last one off the list, it’s so off.
But am I dumb enough to say this? Heck no, I’m not. Don’t even get me started, or else I will say something and get in trouble. I already suggested “get stuff done” as one and it was rejected anyway.
It reminds me of when I was doing career counseling and she wanted me to make a list of my values. Well, mine are “paycheck,” and “health insurance.” Those literally top every other value I might have, like “creativity” and “gets to be left alone all the time” or “job actually fits with my skillset and soul” or whatever. Unfortunately, those two values don’t go with anything else I’d care about, so they go out the window. Values are pointless.
My therapy appointment was very effective, it’s just a shame I had to go back to work and then get mired in the muck again. Also sad that I can’t recall enough details to really recount it (also couldn’t write shit down because I had to be on the phone outside with loud traffic and a fucking drag race driving by).
When I got home, I attempted to get my laptop repaired because (a) two of the keys no longer work--note that they’re the same two keys that went out like 2 years ago that I got repaired before-- and (b) the screen was going completely insane periodically and trying to open every window it could on the left hand side. The repair guy charged me $50 to get another keyboard, disabled the touchscreen since that seemed to be the issue and I don’t use it anyway (so far, seems to be fine), and then later called me to say he can’t find another keyboard. SIGH.
So yeah, the day kinda sucked. But oh, those cold winter nights.... at, you guessed it, karaoke....
On my way over to karaoke, I had a little conversation with God in the car, saying that while I have certainly appreciated the shit ton of signs I’ve been getting for months, especially the really obvious ones, after this whole Wendy the psychic thing, I’m starting to wonder, because why would you send me that message otherwise? So, I said, give me a sign by the time I go to bed tonight as to whether or not to stick with this one or well, work on getting the fuck over this, as a sane girl would. “I Will Wait” came on during this here conversation, but maybe that was a coincidence.
I wasn’t expecting this to be a whole lot of a night since the rest of the theater gang had tech week this week until ten and I reasonably assumed that certain people would say they were too tired and then go to bed after and not come over there. Given the crap mood I was in, I was fine with that. I decided I needed Girl Time. I texted Redhead Sarah bugging her to come see me, I need to have Girl Talk and Witch Talk, and then she fell asleep on the couch and then eventually woke up to say “wanna get together after my therapy appointment tomorrow?” Sure.
So I hung out with Ashley again. It’s Jim’s birthday tomorrow, so he’s having Birthday Week. A little kid--well, more her mom-- did “Let It Go,” a song Jim somehow has managed to not find out existed for years. This is even more flabbergasting than the time I found out that somehow Scott has managed to never hear “Old Town Road.” except ducking “Let It Go” is way more difficult to do FOR YEARS.
My shrink asked me to record myself singing after she’d asked me what I was going to sing tonight. At the time I said I was probably going to do some sad depressing angsty shit, but instead I ended up singing/recording “Hot N’ Cold,” har har. Ashley was all, “I figured you’d do Katy Perry.” New Matt, i.e. not the DJ, sang “Faithfully”--he ain’t Scott but he did pretty well--and then Ashley sang “Don’t Stop Believing,” excellently.
I decided, since the bar was nearly empty around 9ish and and certain folks weren’t around so I should take advantage of that, to sing “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. The lyrics seemed rather fitting at the moment. So even though I do not have a loud booming voice like others do, I gave it my best booming shot. It was fun.
And then a bit after that...all the theater people came in after all. Robert, Laurel and Brian (hey, haven’t seen you guys here in ages!), eventually followed by Scott. Who wanted to hug me and then I well, knocked over a chair in my enthusiasm. Oy. And then later accidentally whacked myself into his chin with my fedora as we left and I apologized and said my shrink told me to stop bear hugging and yet somehow it happens anyway.
For my third and final song of the night I had been planning on doing “Shut Up And Let Me Go” since that was the mood I was in, but I did a last minute switch to “Give Me One Reason.” Scott continued to be on his phone for that one, but hey, he didn’t leave the bar this time, so I guess that’s an improvement.
However: at some point around this time, I mentioned that I had done Whitesnake tonight (didn’t say what song though). And when he went up....he did “Is This Love” and actually looked over at me at one point during it. That is...not usual, folks, when one does karaoke. Or how he usually does it (usually folks just stare at the lyrics) either.
So....that’s a sign, right?