Chaos Attraction

How Do You Do This Giant Hard Thing?

2020-01-27, 7:34 p.m.


I didn’t end up doing much today. I ended up being so exhausted that I didn’t get out of bed much, so so much for going to the gym. I dragged ass to the grocery store that night and that was about it. It had been A Week, I think. If I’d felt like this on Monday I would have called in sick.

All I did was go through my books in my room to make 2-ish more boxes to get rid of. I went through more of my hippie books section, which gave me stuff to think about after Tom Wade’s story yesterday. I have a ton of self-help books around the joint, highlighted and bookmarked, and then really, what good do they do? I read them, I have deep thoughts, but do I ever really do the execution? Maybe I should work more on that.

Also, I have to go back to pondering shit like job hunting and whether or not to renew my lease (god, I hate lease renewal time) and whether or not it’s worth the emotional labor and effort to try to look for somewhere cheaper but farther away, plus the joys of the really really rigid lease schedule here. I tried looking at my options a few years ago and then ended up giving up on the idea when I didn’t find anything I was all that into, so why do that again? The options are about the same unless I decide to look in other towns and I’m not entirely sure I want to go that far. I’m vaguely considering Winters when I am eventually priced out of this town (maybe soonish), but they don’t really have apartments there, I don’t need a house to live alone and at the moment I don’t have people to live with. I asked Redhead Sarah about that and she said you had to know people.

But really, I have no idea on what I want with regards to “do I want to move, or just somehow make more money?” Kinda both? I like some aspects about living here (neighborhood) and dislike others (this apartment just isn’t as great as my old one). I’d like more money but just don’t seem terribly motivated to figure out a business or side hustle and job hunting is an utter loss. I’m not all “this is what I want” about it to ask the universe, Tom Wade style. (You can probably guess what I am actually sure about, but that definitely ain’t under my control.)

I also can’t figure out what I would ask about a job. If I have to settle for a day job, which I really do feel that I need to do for health insurance and regular paycheck and the like, I’d REALLY rather, for convenience’s sake, stay at my giant organization and keep my benefits and vacation time and whatnot than fly the coop elsewhere. So I prioritize looking there even though I am sick of my industry and qualify for nothing. I have even less motivation to look at other orgs. This would be asking for a compromise life/job, rather than “the sky’s the limit! find me something I would love!” Because I fear “run my own business,” which I would be shite at because I have no head for numbers and money, is the only option for that since journalism is no longer an option. I just don’t know on anything certain. I just don’t care about any of my options or like them enough to try any more.

Can one ask the universe for something vague? Does that even work? It probably doesn’t if you’re not at all clear, right?

In other news, I did hear from Monica (who I was a bridesmaid for years ago), saying she’s going to Pantheacon this year, so we shall hopefully meet up!


Work was work. I’m just gonna quote from knitting group:

“The mountains can be a little obnoxious.” -Drinda

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“What are you talking about? You were a sailor.” -Rebecca

“Bower birds sound fun.” -me
“Yeah, they sound more romantic than most of the guys I’ve ever known.” -Rebecca

“I’m not going to be somewhere where people start throwing jelly beans and not fight back.” - Drinda

Rebecca also designed a giant squid hat with drawstring tentacles (very crazy like me, right?) and Alison was all, you should sell that pattern! To which I was all, that sounds great, but it’s harder than it sounds...I went to a Marly Bird class on this at Stitches a few years ago and it was super hard and complicated and involved farming out a lot of the work to others. How the heck do you DO it?

That’s always my question, really. How do you do this giant hard thing? I can’t seem to figure it out myself or get the right assistance a lot of the time.

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