Chaos Attraction

I Am Going To Try To Whine About This For The Last Time

2018-01-27, 9:17 p.m.

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Once again, I have not heard from my ex even though he had his birthday this week and I sent an ecard. And now I wish I hadn't because I feel like a needy dumbass who was trying to get his attention, even though at the time I had decided that this would be my last communication to him and I was resigned to that. I knew I wouldn't, right? And yet I'm pretty disappointed to be right.

I have mostly been resigned to this brief period of hopefulness ending, but the day after his birthday I started losing my cool on the way to work and thinking stuff like, “what if he didn’t write back because he now hates me?” Which...he might, he might not, I may never know if I never hear back. Odds are probably that he forgot again, but every time I don't hear back from someone I reasonably have to assume ghosting is occurring and wonder what the hell I did wrong again. I mentioned this charming trait to my mom and she was all, "How is that serving you?" which is a good point that I should bring up in therapy.

The truth is probably "he's busy and now that his car is probably fixed he forgot all about you again." I am so sick of myself being myself, you guys. He's not thinking of me at all, and I wasn't really either and then I start getting paranoid. I hate myself. I'm so pathetic for caring more than he does. Hasn't that always been the problem?

I was hoping things would be going better by now. At the very least I was hoping for more theater chat over email, but...he doesn't do email much any more. Which is disappointing considering that is how we hit it off in the first place. And yet, I bet if I was on Facebook chat every day then I'd hear back from him. Sigh.

Here is a quote I saw this week that's relevant:

"how I sometimes preemptively compromise or give up on things I care about because I’m so used to just not getting the things I want, I can’t even get worked up about it most of the time anymore. Defeat is just something I’ve unfortunately learned to accept to some degree."

The answer to things like this is always the same: nothing is going to happen, nothing more will come of this and why would you expect it to? Because it would mean something to me doesn't mean it would to him. And unfortunately I have things influencing me that make it mean more to me (in a sense) than it would to him. Which is to say "hey, I'm starving, look, here's some crumbs on the floor." Sigh.

Anyway...as usual, nothing will come of anything. I am tired of life coming out like that, but that is how life works. Though I admittedly fucked up so some of it, if he's thinking about it, is on me.

I need to stop caring and dwelling on these things. It would have been cool, but as usual, life doesn't go the way you want when you need others. I'd say "time to move on," but when there's nothing to move on to...sigh.


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