Chaos Attraction

Tn'T Night Three: No One Gives Birth At Our Weddings

2019-05-19, 8:38 p.m.

Before the final show, I went to cram in another show. Bike City was doing “Westeros Side Story” (written by Johnny and Andrea) in a sort of trial run salon thing. No staging/costumes, just singing the songs and doing the lines and using hats to distinguish when they were playing “crows” and “Wildings.” And someone reading the stage directions, which was a hoot.

The show covers the entire plot of the Night’s Watch vs. the Wildings up until the big battle and Stannis’s entrance, with songs based off of West Side Story.

Their plot description: ”Honor bound Jonny Snowy--a bastard--joins the prestigious (not really) and noble (also, not really) Night’s Watch, as they patrol the northern Wall to keep out all dangerous and wild invaders. Free spirited Ygritte (a Wildling--sorry, Free Folk!) hopes to help lead her people to the other side of the Wall to survive the deadly and inevitable winter. Choices are made. Complications arise. Beastiality? A song about cunnilingus? A "bastardization" (Yes, Jon. We know.) of two of your favorite intellectual properties? What’s gonna happen next?!

This was an absolute fucking delight and I loved every minute of it even if it made me late to call time (oh well, worth it). I wish I’d written down lines from it but I was wrestling with my knitting at the time and did not. Yes, there was dirty stuff about the horny Night’s Watch and sexy Ygritte and the oral sex scene was the best. And the glaring from Jonny Snowy and Ygritte at the lady reading the stage directions every time she said “they kiss.” Tormund REALLY loves animals, which led to some irony when he was singing “stick to your own kind” and Ygritte was all, “That’s ironic coming from you.” I also liked that there was an actual kiss on “You were right about me. Once a crow, always a crow.” and Sam’s line of “I just wanted to read books!” They also constantly switched hat-wearing during “Tonight,” which was great.

This production could go either way--whether or not they choose to go with full blown acting it out later or not, or keep it like this, it really works. J.R. (the director) wanted some notes and I quickly gave them to him before running out the door. He hugged me twice, which was sweet.

As for the final night of the show.... the person I had there (of sorts) tonight was Former Wedding Singer Sarah, who was bartending that night. I’d like to assume my super enthused emoji-filled text on Friday night encouraged her to do a shift, but who knows. Anyway, she was here and it was a joy for me. (She also gave me a free drink, which actually got me slightly sloshy.) She also brought a “bubble bus” (bus-shaped bubble gun), which was brought out at the end, and a light up unicorn headband. I asked her where she got it and she said the pride party today, and I was all “now I wish I’d gone, but I was at Westeros Side Story” and she was all, “Oh, you needed to go to that.”

Tonight’s Cameron quotes on her outfit: “If every other part of me has to be uncomfortable, so does my face. I’m all in.” and “The more I look at it, the tackier it gets.”

Vinnie has been wearing a tacky gold bling jeweled cross. It is not an official CROSS cross as it is equidistant bars rather than the long-and-short of a usual religious cross. But apparently some audience members complained/were confused about him wearing one when Father Mark was not or mixed up who was a priest, so Vinnie was forced to relinquish his cross to Father Mark.

That70’sScott mentioned to me that he once took a test to become a priest and failed it--”I guess God doesn’t want you,” he was told. “So I became an alcoholic, pill-popping drug addicted Vietnam vet.”
Other fun quotes from him tonight:
“I knew a crude and dirty priest once.”
On a nun: “She kicked the habit 30 years ago to shack up with a girlfriend.”

Robert was still playing his ukulele before the show. In response to the line “Have you ever seen the rain?” Manny replied, “No, I live in California.” (Though considering that this weekend has been rainy as shit....)

Cameron mentioned running into people she knows from her work in real estate...while dressed like this. Since Cameron’s normal dress style is along the lines of 1930’s lady....

Show notes:

(a) In character line: “You’re like a father to me.” -Joey to Father Mark.

(b) Before the show started and we were mingling on the floor, Father Mark asked me where the shot glasses were being stored. This seemed rather odd to me, but he explained that when Nunzio offers him a shot, they seem to have run out and he needs to bring his own.

(c) The show was not sold out tonight--we had about 75 ticketed--but no, they did not want you selling tickets at the door about it. Also the seating lady decided that the tables on the far side should be numbered 10, 11, 8 and 9 and once again, nobody was allowed to rearrange that into any order that actually made numerical sense. There was one empty table left, which I did actually get to sit at along with the sound folks, so it was nice to have a table. We were also told they were running out of the tri-tip so none of us were allowed to have any (fine by me). Manny’s response to this: “I’d love to clean up afterward but I thrive on red meat.”

(d) There was a lot of butt grabbing in this particular show.

(e) I am happy to report that the Dom/Sister kiss scene finally went better.

(f) In addition to his Tina tattoo, Michael had “WTC” painted on his back, for the theater company. (I wondered if it was World Trade Center, since New Yorkers...) By the end of the night he also had a makeup-black eye.

(g) I hung out with one lady who loved to dance and her family refused to dance. I feel ya, girl. I am that girl too.

(h) I went around reassuring people at their tables that no, the food isn’t REALLY “orgasmically grown.”

(i) Maddy and I danced to “Hot N’ Cold” in sync.

(j) Vinnie danced the Macarena onstage. It was as funny as you suspect it was.

(j) I have to deliver the line “Josie and her wonderful family over here and Tony Nunzio and his family over here,” which I do in a perky-ass tone for the former and a rather disdainful tone for the latter, for my own amusement. Tonight the Nunzio party finally noticed that I was doing that and razzed me back about it. I told Nunzio he needs to act a little nicer.

(k) Someone told me that she wanted to give Michael a dollar. Maddy definitely got some dollars.

(l) Connie finished out the night by FAKING THAT HER WATER BROKE. My character/Loretta lost her shit about this, and rightfully so. “Nobody gives birth at our weddings!”

(m) Former Wedding Singer Sarah told me that someone was complaining about the air conditioning and then when she couldn’t adjust it to their preference, wanted to complain to someone above her. She said she wanted to call Vinnie to deal with the guy.

After it was all over, we gave Linda our presents--an autographed photo and wedding figurine--and she said she loved us all. We also discussed sequels to this, like “Tony n’ Tina’s Anniversary,” “Tony n’ Tina’s Divorce” and “The Animal Kingdom.” I’d love to see that last one in particular.

Right now I should be sad (Heidi said she’d go home and cry) but I am still bouncing off the walls, i.e. the “performer high” Dawn has noted in me. I’m smiling because it happened, you know?

I finished off the night by sending a super-enthusiastic group e-mail about possibly getting together in the future. When to hold the next cast party (apparently the next two weeks are ruled out due to other weddings, ironic), are we doing karaoke or movie nights, and hey, let’s put on another show....

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