Chaos Attraction

A Saturday in July in the Bay Area

2013-07-28, 9:02 p.m.

I spent Friday and Saturday roaming around the Bay Area. I haven't been over there all that much lately, and while I was heading into SF almost every weekend in the winter, I haven't been over there in several months. Now, I say that I am a Bay Area native--which technically I am--but I am not really super Bay Area. Which is to say, I am from the very fringe of the Bay Area, from a town with a similar climate to the one I live in higher north and inland. I am not one of those people who are used to crazy city life and perpetually cloudy and cool temperatures.

Which is to say: what the hell do you fucking wear when you're leaving a climate that is around 90 degrees and ending in one where it's about 60? I wore a long skirt and a tank top to the train station and was dripping with sweat, and yet an hour-ish later I have to go put on even more layers. And Saturday was even worse: I kept traveling in and out of cloudy and windy, then into brighter and sunny (in SF, of all places), then back into the chilly land of semi-winter....dear lord, was I ever happy to finally get back to my town, where even at 9:30 at night it was a reasonable temperature for summer, i.e. it actually was kind of summerish or not damn chilly.

Seriously, I don't know how this appeals to people. It's so downer weather. I felt like it was a waste of a lovely summer to be over there. Though I did get to several good restaurants and found some space-patterned leggings that were both reasonably priced and not nastily see-through, so there's that.

I haven't seen Jackie in some time, since the last time I saw her she indicated that my whining and never getting anywhere was kind of driving her nuts. Which is entirely fair and is why I have been kind of staying quiet for the last few months (since all I do is whine!) and haven't told her much about how things didn't happen the way I thought they would in May. I did have to tell her that well, I don't have any future plans for myself now and I am just not going to be moving or "making it" the way I thought I would.

I think she doesn't quite buy it, but let's face it: it doesn't matter what I decide or not, when I have no clue "what I want" or how to get it, I won't be DOING anything because I don't know what to do. I cannot resolve the nebulous, vague stuff that I want that would require me to be freelancing/running a business with my need for a regular paycheck and health insurance and to fit my job into some kind of box and infrastructure that someone else that isn't me is providing. I am just stumped like fuck on this. I am tired of it, but....I don't see this getting any better, do you?

As for today, I've been pretty exhausted. I went to a concert Friday night--the concert was excellent, but Mom was ticked the hell off by being stuck behind a tall guy who would not sit the fuck down or stop moving, and she wasn't too happy that it took so long to get out of the concert either. Anyway, we got home really late and I got maybe four hours of sleep and I was pretty zonked until I arrived in SF the next morning...and I've spent Sunday recovering since I elected to go home Saturday night rather than join Mom in attending a performance of "Oliver," which I hate. (And, as it turned out, she SLEPT THROUGH.) I slept a lot and took a damn long time to get out the door to go to the gym at 5:15...then was zonked in class and wanted to leave 20 minutes early, except I still had to make food runs on foot. And then I got home and Mom now it's 9 p.m. and trying to make dinner and finish off the night's Netflix.

I hope I am less zonked tomorrow.

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