Chaos Attraction

Prelude To A Kiss

2013-08-28, 9:18 p.m.

It has been a blah day. My coworkers were all bitching that I wasn't chatty and perky today. I have no justifiable reason to not be chatty and perky, other than friends moving away and my wishing I could be left the fuck alone to have some peace and quiet (hahahAHAHAHAHAHAHhahah) during the day.

In other news, I was forcing myself to watch Prelude To A Kiss, because it's an upcoming play in the fall here and I wanted to figure out if (a) I want to see it, or (b) do I want to audition for it because they actually mentioned having some. Thing, I fucking hate this movie. I hate the plot. The plot is bad. It takes two good actors and puts them into shit.

Here's a spoiler-y rundown, should you care:

1. Alec Baldwin, at his hottie-est, is supposed to be a nerd? Because in his first scene (and one other scene later) he's wearing those heinous mostly-covering-your-face nerd glasses and he comes off as flat as a rock.

2. Meg Ryan is full on Manic Pixie Dream Girl weird, claiming she hasn't slept since age 14 and that she's a bartender and she dances dirty to "I Touch Myself...." Honestly, I've always thought it would be fun to do a dance to that song, but somehow watching this movie made it not so fun.

3. The first half hour is Meg and Alec having a lot of conversation and wooing. Which I somehow found to be boring as fuuuuuuuuuuuuck and I don't know why. I just could not stay interested for shit. Then they get married.

4. Meg Ryan is MPDG'ing at the wedding ceremony--striking weird poses, hiding out behind a tree at the reception.

5. Some random old dude walks into the wedding--nobody knows him and he's not invited and nobody knows where he came from or what his name is or ANYTHING. One guy tries to introduce himself to the old guy and the old guy completely ignores him. Which is kind of amusing when the friend guy just does an imaginary hand shake in response.

6. As the title says, the old guy kisses the bride AND THEY SWAP BODIES FOR SOME REASON.

7. Okay, so you're a 25-year-old Manic Pixie Dream Girl and suddenly you've fainted and woken up in the body of some old dude. You're a woman who's not known for being quiet. Why wouldn't you try to speak up more about the weirdness of what just happened? I know nobody's gonna believe you, but it seems quite unbelievable that you'd just...quietly toddle off to the old folks' home and leave the wedding and whatever right during the shock of the moment. Come ON. I can see the old man taking advantage of being in a hot chick's body and not saying anything, but the other way around? And yeah, she wouldn't want them to think she's insane later, but right then?

8. Someone want to explain to me how the "bride" dealt with having sex with a dude on the honeymoon? They do not show this, but come ON. You're an 80-year-old dude in a hot young chick's body and you've never had sex in which you were the one being penetrated by a dude before. I THINK YOU MIGHT ACT PERHAPS A BIT AWKWARDLY ABOUT IT. Like, to the point where SOMEONE ATTEMPTING SEX WITH YOU MIGHT NOTICE. Though to the plot's credit, yes, Alec Baldwin noticed that his wife suddenly turned cold fish who doesn't want to give blow jobs any more...we just hear about it later.

9. Something is so obviously wrong early on, you wonder what the fuck...."the first day of being married and she seemed like a whole new Rita." Yup.

10. I love how the final straw for Alec Baldwin is when the pod person suddenly wants to have his baby. And then he's all, "Let's talk in Dutch!" and "she" can't fake that one.

11. They get back home and Old Man MPDG is lurking behind a pole watching.

12. I feel really sorry for Alec Baldwin when he comes home and realizes that "Rita" has been reading Original Rita's journals so she can fake it better and he's just pleading to find out where she is and "she" says nothing. Cold.

13. Why does Old Man Rita just stand around staring and pouting? Again, SPEAK UP, BITCH!

14. The big failure of the movie is that while you can, more or less, get the idea that Meg Ryan is pretending to have an old dude inside her by her silly facial expressions and new syntax.... the old guy really just can't pull off having a MPDG inside him worth a damn. This is the kind of movie that you need to cast WELL if you are going to pull this shit off, and I don't get why they cast the old guy if he couldn't. I don't know who would, but it's Hollywood, you couldn't throw some money at the problem to get someone else better to do it?

15. Old Man Rita wants to know how the honeymoon went. SO DO I.

16. Old man is dying. Figures.

17. We're newlyweds! We're an old married couple! Uh.....

18. I totally just don't buy this old guy as Rita for shit. I do not. Casting fail. Okay, it's an impossible acting task, but if you can't make it work, why are you going there? "It was bitchin' for awhile," mixed in with angst about death and "I adore you." Gawd. This just doesn't work for me for shit.

19. Finally we cut to Rita Old Dude, listening to a bunch of girl talk AND CLEARLY WISHING FOR DEATH. Bwahahahahahahah.

20. And here's the part where we watch Alec Baldwin make out with an old man. I.... won't even go into that, other than to say that it makes me wonder if another soul swap took place.

21. I guess not. What is with the giant knife of stabbing? You don't want to kill her.

22. And kiss #2 doesn't work. Grrrrrrr. Can't my pain just end already?

23. "All you've got to do is want it bad enough." Oy. Yes, we can justify why an old man wanted to be a 25-year-old girl, but the other way around?

24. Now everyone is back in their original bodies and the old guy is all, "You're not my type, and those parents of yours, you can keep." Alec Baldwin's face is priceless.

Yeah, I don't think I'll go see the play. This just didn't freaking work for me at all, even if Alec and Meg are hot and young and pretty pretty pretty in this movie.

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