Chaos Attraction

Nobody Cares About Work This Week

2020-11-24, 10:46 p.m.

Well, one thing hasn't changed in Covidverse: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WORK THIS WEEK. I was super cranky for no particular reason other than my own angst and general fed-up-ness with life in the morning and just full of bored malaise at night. And kinda headachy.

A GIANT DISASTER was discovered yesterday afternoon, which apparently required managers to literally be up all night in the middle of the night fixing the computer glitch that let apparently thousands of people "jump the line," as it were. My poor boss then had to work a full workday after being up all night with this. She postponed our meeting a few times and when we finally started it I was all, "Hey, if you need to cancel or leave early or anything, I totally understand...." Sounds like a freaking nightmare. Anyway, I told her both my good news and bleah news from yesterday, so that's covered.

My teammates and I were NOT IN THE MOOD today to work (pretty sure boss wasn't either), as we took a break around 2-ish to go look at yarn things on the Internet. We then had a "meet n' greet" meeting with another office and god, none of us could give a shit or come up with anything to say. It's yet another group that is special and serves international clientele. At this point we seem to have so many of these I couldn't tell you what was special/different about this special compared to all the other specials or all the other international clientele, and my coworkers were all "I felt like I was listening to Charlie Brown's teacher," so they were even worse than me about it. Of course, they get to leave earlier than I do. I really didn't get much done besides browsing again for the last few hours, especially after I was the last one still working (everyone else starts earlier than I do).

After work, I got my TV to get channels via the antenna again. I don't have cable since almost everything I want is on streaming anyway, and thus I rarely (like I probably haven't watched in a year) watch live TV except for when Mom is over, or it's Thanksgiving. Though mostly this is because the antenna is cranky and any time I want to watch live TV I lose the reception. I managed to set it up again tonight so THEORETICALLY I should be able to watch the parade on Thursday, but we'll see if that actually works come 9 a.m. If it doesn't, hopefully this option works online?

Heard from Mom, heard from Randall who was all "I'm having my sister and her husband over! Are you going to see your mom?" I'm....going to be absolutely alone this holiday....sigh.

Deep thought on Prince Charles: Does ANYONE other than Camilla actually like the guy? I honestly don't think so. But that guy, of all people, found his perfect soulmate to very eventually live life with. How come THAT GUY gets his perfect soulmate? And I just...can't, don't, won't ever? To quote Sally Albright, what's the matter with me? What's wrong with me?

I have gotten fascinated by this girl making patchwork sweaters and now want to do one with all my random stray balls of yarn I can't do much with.

I had therapy today. I felt so bad that I did NOT cancel on my shrink, since she is still apparently in agony from last week's kidney stone zapping and said she was likely to cancel the afternoon appointments to go call the doctor for more pain meds. I'm surprised she made it through the whole thing, and I felt like "well, I shouldn't be whining about my tedious little angst compared to hers."

I'm such a fucking moron for wanting to contact people (not just you-know-who, the theater crowd in general) but then feeling worse about myself if they ignore it, for whatever reasons that are going wrong with them. Even if it's "not personal." I truly don't think the group is going to last after a year or more or whatever of not being able to gather together, and if they're not wanting to talk, fuck, I don't know what to do. If people want me to leave them alone and not bother them because my trying to talk hurts them, then I don't want to do it, you know? I don't have any way to know if I'm doing that, and especially if I just get ignored, I kinda have to assume the worst on it. I just want to have better conversations with people. I said that and it apparently blew my shrink's mind, somehow, that I said that. But I can't have that when most people don't have anything to talk about. She said to text people for Thanksgiving. I don't know. I already feel like shit without feeling shittier because I tried and nobody cared.

Per this book, this group was either contact or common/community friends, varies from person to person. I realize I have to be the initiator, but "uncertainty as to whether the feeling is mutual" (or shall we say, remains mutual) is rearing its ugly head here.

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