Harry and Meghan: A Royal Romance
2018-12-17, 6:49 a.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
So Sunday was a do-nothing day. It’s raining and while I did go the gym for the first time in ages (I miss exercising, which I haven’t gotten to do much since the smoke) and go to the grocery store, it’s a day where you just don’t want to go out and do much, which makes for a boring entry day. My computer crapped out on being able to type at all for several hours and then refused to reboot properly for another hour, which was worrisome but now it’s back on again and fingers crossed. I also heard from my previous ex-boss (the one who retired), as she has finally returned from jaunting around Europe. So what’s going on at work? Well, I last wrote her when I heard my last boss got the new job, so....THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF. I bet she will freak.
I posted about A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding a few days ago and found a few more links about it:
”In less than a year, Schaler went from a career as a travel reporter to a screenwriter behind a veritable cultural phenomenon, with a multi-book publishing deal and more Christmas screenplays in the works. How did she do it? By combining her lifelong love of holiday films with the research skills and tenacity she learned as an investigative journalist.
There’s another review here: “Not since the most recent, in-ring WWE wedding have I been so worried that the bride might be hit with a steel chair at any moment.”
Anyway, since A Christmas Prince is based to some degree on the author following around Kate and Wills, and these days I can’t help but watch that movie and think of Meghan Markle...I got a copy of that special Lifetime movie (at Target), “Harry and Meghan: A Royal Romance.” So since today’s pretty dull and it’s too rainy for me to want to schlep out to live movies, here you go!
We start out with Harry’s tragic mom loss and hanging out in Botswana. Harry did not enjoy having to walk behind the coffin, so dad takes them to Botswana, where Harry saves a lion from being shot. We also see a flashback to Diana ordering a hot dog for Harry and telling him about naughtyness (see below). As a kid, Meghan’s getting annoyed at sexist TV ads, which leads to her as a grownup telling her producer that there’s no reason for her character to be in a towel in the middle of the day. Meghan’s dad seems a lot nicer in this show than he turns out to have been in real life, unfortunately.
After another night of partying, Wills tells Harry to keep on partying so that he can smell like a rose and Kate makes him look good. Do they really call their father Pa? Just wondering. “Pa” reminds us of Harry’s Nazi costume because we can never, ever forget that coming up, ever. Or his naked incident. I bet Harry is sick to fucking death of hearing about that after everything else he’s done since then. but we can’t ever forget. Wills and Harry discuss their mother’s mantra: “You know what Mum would say: it’s okay to be naughty.” “As long as you don’t get caught.”
At Meghan’s show, a female hairdresser (who we never see again) is all, “Would you rather be 42 and divorced with kids or without kids?” Meghan is all, why can’t I be married WITH kids? Because that’s not how the world works! This is depressing and weird to have in here.
Meghan and Harry’s mutual friend Violet offers to fix them up. Meghan asks, “Is he nice?” Harry asks, “Is she hot?” Harry is already preparing for this date to go badly by setting up an escape route with his chauffeur, which apparently took him 40 minutes to do because he shows up that late to their assigned location in the back end of nowhere. He starts out complimenting her and she wants an apology for him being 40 minutes late and then tells him how a watch works. (I don’t know if this happened IRL but it makes me laugh. Fictional Meghan is quite feisty.) He responds, “I’ve always wondered about that! An English boarding school education is highly overrated!” She comments on their out of the way location and he says it’s better for her. She says it would hurt her street cred to be seen with a guy with no sense of time.
They introduce themselves:
The next day, Meghan talks to Doria and her mom is all, “Did you give the milk away for free? Did you mention the ex-husband thing?” (She didn’t and did.) Harry calls and she’s all “Harry who?” She’s reading “The Crown” and he’s watching her show.
On their next date, he takes her to Botswana. We have a cutaway bit of snark from Kate and Wills about this being Harry’s move and how Americans are so loud. Cut to Meghan screaming when Harry wraps a snake around her. Harry also feeds a giraffe a carrot directly from his mouth.
On their second date, Meghan talks about the joys of being biracial, and Harry comes back with, “Try being a ginger in England.” He tells some popular English ginger jokes, such as “Why are the Harry Potter books unrealistic? Because the ginger has TWO friends,” and “What do gingers look forward to in old age? Gray hair.” Also, yeah, people assumed he was a bastard even though redheads run in his mother’s family.
Wills and Kate are on board with this ship, as they report to Harry. “Kate and I binge-watched Suits over the weekend” and “Is she just like Rachel?” But Kate is the one who points out that Meghan makes Wallis look like Dame Judi Dench. “Think of what I went through because I was a commoner. Are you ready for this?”
Meghan’s new hairdresser, a black man, wants to know if she bathed in a swamp when she gets back. Promise not to say anything? “Oh, my day just got SO much better.” But after hearing the dish, her hairdresser points out, “You do not want to end up royal roadkill. You’ve seen The Crown.” You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right. So she calls Harry to tell him they should play it cool...and he’s outside her trailer right now. Next thing you know, he’s in her condo for days, dressing up her dogs (one in a tutu and one in a shark costume) for entertainment. He also got them matching bracelets, d’awww.
But he’s going to get out for a while, because it’s Halloween and the hairdresser brought over a frog costume that hides his head! Meghan, for the record, has dressed as Hillary Clinton with a mask/face over her face and she can’t wait until the election is over! (All Americans start crying now.) Unfortunately, Harry takes his helmet off to get a drink (WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS) and starts being harassed by the rudest Canadians you’ve ever seen, who get mad when he won’t selfie with them and then start insulting him. Someone takes a photo. They are outed! Did it actually happen like this? I don’t remember anything about Halloween here, but this is reminding me of reading The Royal We when Prince Nick went out for Halloween.
Next thing you know, The Firm is having opinions about Meghan’s blog, which Harry defends. King Richard of Aldovia, take note of this, because THIS is how you defend a girl’s blog. (However, this movie does not discuss how Meghan was forced to take it down, it’s ignored after this.) Wills helpfully says “If she’s your girl, she can’t have opinions.” “At least not in public,” Kate says. Harry is all “to hell with tradition!” and Charles is all, “you do love pissing off the Firm.”
Kate and Wills want to meet Meghan and they seem to get on, but there’s some girl named Bella who seems to be there to represent the bitch contingent, because she makes Meghan uncomfortable with judgy questions and says she’s only trying to prepare her because Chelsy and Cressida couldn’t handle it. Then Bella tries to paw Meghan’s hair and Meghan removes her hand and immediately adjourns to the ladies’.
Later, Meghan tells Harry about having a nice day out with her mom ruined because some fucker dropped the n-bomb at her. “He took away our entire night of happiness.”
Speaking of her mom, Doria and Meghan are now being stalked by reporters. Harry dictates his letter of defense on Meghan’s behalf, which Kate declares “the most romantic thing I’ve ever read.” Meghan calls her dad to tell him not to mention her to the press, which is now incredibly ironic in retrospect. Also, “Tell Tommy and Sam not to accept the money.” Oy.
Meghan finds out about Harry’s letter on television, which I suspect was not the case IRL, but this stirs some drama in which Meghan tells him when he comes over. She rants about her half-siblings saying shit about her, and she is used to death threats and handling them by now and doesn’t need a rescue. Also, her dad’s side of the family is a bunch of shitheads. “This isn’t a fairy tale. This is a soap opera.” Harry is all, “have you read anything about my family?” Meghan tries to break up with him and returns his bracelet.
Later, Doria drags Meghan out to watch Diana’s funeral again (“Girl, get your ass out here right now”) and points out young Harry being forced to walk behind the casket. “That boy lost his mother to the paparazzi.” How can you blame him for wanting to protect you from that?
Meghan gets her point and tries calling Harry but gets voicemail and somehow even though this is 2017 or so at this point, WE HAVE A DRAMATIC RUN TO THE AIRPORT SCENE. “What about the paparazzi?” Meghan asks. “We’ll run them over if we have to,” her mother says. I like this movie but at times this is soooooo cheesy not real bad. I cannot believe they are doing “stop that plane!” and yet somehow Meghan runs into the lone flight attendant who hasn’t heard who she’s dating yet. She convinces the flight attendant to pass on the message “London Bridge is falling down,” which gets Harry’s attention.
“Isn’t this a little dramatic?”
Cut to Pippa’s wedding, where Harry is sulking about Meghan not being allowed to come (presumably Meghan has flown to England for this and seems to be in a hotel room or something). Oh look, there’s Prince Michael of Kent and that blackamoor brooch. TAKE IT OFF, Harry says, disgusted at the imperialism of Africa and whatnot.
“It’s my favorite brooch and it’s beautiful.”
BARF. Harry has to hold Kate back. Charles throws the two bitches out, then sympathizes. “My mother started listening to me, eventually. Go get the woman you love.... and if anyone has a problem with it, talk to the first in line.”
Meghan gets cornered by Bella the bitch again and told that “her biological clock is at 11:59.” Kate is disgusted and drags Meghan away, saying “we commoners have to stick together” and even though Kate is pregnant with #3, she’s still disgusted at being treated like a womb.
Here’s a conversation I doubt happened ever: Harry tells Charles and Camilla they should have been together from the start. “But then you wouldn’t have been born,” says Camilla. Uh, duh.
Do English people dance to the song “Crazy” by Patsy Cline? I doubt it, but that happens anyway.
Meghan has a middle of the night freakout about her biological clock and also Harry saying they’ll live next to Wills and Kate at Kensington Palace. She also freaks about giving up her career because she wants it all. “At some point we’re going to have to stop saying ‘we’ll figure it out’ and actually figure it out.” Good point. But Harry is all not right now, got a royal thing to go to, byee! Turns out it’s around the anniversary of his mother’s death and both he and Wills feel guilty for blowing off their mom on their last phone call. Distraction always works, so Harry goes to work at his charity Sentebale and Meghan follows him over as he meets an orphaned girl and people bring up his mom and the land mines.
Later, Meghan tries to get Harry to talk or cry or whatever but that doesn’t seem to be going well. He points out that the minefield was a publicity stunt his mother laughed at because she was probably the safest one there. They go outside and see a lion, who just stares at them for a while and walks off. Harry cries.
In this movie, Harry proposes to Meghan while in bed first. i am all what, no engagement chicken?
The palace press guy wants to know all of Meghan’s skeletons. Well, she doesn’t really have any herself, but...
Harry plans on moving to Canada. Yeah right, I doubt that discussion ever happened.
Meghan is introduced to the hairdresser’s niece, Helen (should mention that those two are African-American) and the kid asks if Meghan is going to be a princess. Yes, but don’t tell anyone! Can I tell my mom? Oh, sure. The hairdresser says that Meghan as a biracial princess is going to change the way people see the world. So Meghan decides to quit her job because “the best way I can make a difference in this world is marrying you.” I don’t even know what to say to that.
Time to meet Granny! They’re both worried about how he has to get permission to marry (and also, Harry offers tips on how to cheat at the citizenship test). Meghan is concerned after the dramas of Wallis, Princess Margaret, and Charles.
When they meet, the queen asks Meghan if she had anything to do with The Crown. “No.” “Oh good, then I won’t have to throw you in the tower. That’s a joke.”
CORGIS!!!!!!!!!! Well, one, anyway. The corgi hops on the couch, Meghan pets and talks about her rescue dogs, and all is well. The queen asks if she really wants this--she and Harry had no choice and she does, and for every privilege there is an equal sacrifice. Meghan says she doesn’t know, knows she’ll be scrutinized, but she’s standing for something bigger than herself, so she doesn’t feel like she has a choice.” The queen shows her a portrait of Princess Charlotte and brags that “Oh yes, you’re of mixed race, Harry. So am I.” Again, did that happen IRL? I thought it wasn’t confirmed about Charlotte or at least kinda vague? Anyway, Meghan has her blessing, welcome to the family, and “I can’t believe the corgis like you. For 33 years they’ve barked at me.” Meghan wishes she could hug the queen--does she hug?
OH, HERE’S THE ENGAGEMENT CHICKEN SCENE AND IT IS ADORABLE.
The queen announces to her staff that he’s marrying a divorced African American lady. “Everyone on board? Lovely,” she says. (Again, was it that easy?) She wants to meet the grandkids and give them “jolly big hugs.” The movie finishes on a montage as they greet the public.
Look, overall I enjoyed this. Sure, there’s some moments where you’re all I HIGHLY DOUBT THIS HAPPENED, and Thomas Markle is treated a lot nicer than he ended up being in real life, but watching these two together is cute as the dickens and the casting was spot on and I enjoy the living vicariously. But...yeah, this is what Queen Amber of Aldovia should have been going through in reality!