Managed to get two of these done this weekend. On to Luke! On to whining!

The Very Secret Diary of Princess Leia Organa

Day 1:

Crap. Have been captured by the Empire, just right after getting the blueprints for the Death Star. Great timing.

Fortunately, managed to snag a droid on his way out and stick the plans in him before getting busted. Am sending him to track down Obi-Wan Kenobi and then Dad, as managed to get close enough to Tattooine before bust. Hope he can take it from there, because who knows if I will... Crap.

Day 2:

Vader. Robot torture device. Needles. Mind probing truth serum. My day thoroughly sucked ass. Good thing Empire doesn't know that Rebels substituted LSD for serum supply at their suppliers six months ago. LSD effects bloody loopy and cause random babbling nonsense, ensuring the Empire gets incredibly useful information out of me such as "I'm a pony! I'm a pony!" Vader ended the session and went off to kill suppliers. Yay stalling time.

Why does everyone always bitch about my hair? Stormtroopers were pointing and giggling at me and making comments about donuts. Oh, come on! YOU try finding new out-of-the-way-yet-creative-and-royal hairstyles sometime and see how easy it is. I'm a busy girl, I can't Crystal Gayle it all the damn time.

Day 3:

This was supposed to be my death day. Hah. Though pretty crappy day nevertheless, as:

(a) got to deal with Grand Moff Tarkin, who's not only an ass but also uses the foulest-smelling hair gel in the universe,

(b) had to tell him the location of our rebel base on Dantooine (though fuck him, we abandoned that one already). Still feel guilty as that means all innocents there will probably be blown up next,

(c) That lying SOB blew up my planet and claimed it was my fault! He blew up my dad, my aunts, my pets, my servants, my hairdressers, my ex-boyfriends, my jewels, my wardrobe, my vibrator collection...

This Death Star has got to be blown up ASAP, even if I'm on it at the time.

At least I came out of it all right- before Grand Moff Tightass could get to my execution, Vader told him that someone (presumably Obi-Wan) was trying to rescue me! Now I'm being kept around as bait. Guess I'd better freshen up, put on more shiny reflective lipstick and pose myself attractively just in case he brought anyone else cute along. I could use a good distracting romp in the sack after this day.

Day 4:

The good news is, I'm out of the Death Star and have the blueprints. The bad news is pretty much everything else.

I was lounging attractively in my cell when a stormtrooper broke in. I looked down at his codpiece and thought, "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" Yup, he was- he pulled off his helmet and introduced himself as Luke Skywalker. A blue-eyed pretty boy. A little short, but definitely doable. However, he insisted that we leave right now, despite my pretty pouting technique. Oh well, maybe later...

We hooked up with a Wookiee and the guy who owned the ship, Han "Let Me Tell You Just How Obnoxious I Really Am" Solo. It soon became apparent that (a) Han was the one wearing the pants (or at least the larger codpiece) in this crew, and (b) he obviously had them on inside-out and backwards when it came to planning a rescue. Good lord, did they suck ass. I finally had to take charge and find us an escape route.

Which, um, turned out to be er, not my finest hour. I picked a garbage chute with live creatures swimming around in the muck to hop into. (So much for wearing a white dress for these "diplomatic missions.") Then to top it all off, I picked a chute that was getting compacted that day and nearly got ourselves killed. (Though must admit that had squishing occurred, no longer need to starve myself for bikini season.)

So I made a mistake, okay? That doesn't mean that I deserved to get bitched out about it! I'm the highest ranking one here, dammit, and at least I got us out of the hall! If I'd left it up to Captain So-Low in Intelligence we'd all still be there.

His so-called ship doesn't look much better than that garbage chute, either.

Luke and I took off by ourselves and got trapped, so he swung us across a shaft. Wow. Very romantic and swashbuckling to do that. Wonder if he'd be interested in playing Princess and Pirate later...

We made it off the Death Star, but without, alas, the guy who was supposed to get me off of it. Obi-Wan sacrificed himself so we could get away. Problem is, I don't think it'll do us much good if the Empire is tracking us, which, let's face it, they obviously are as ANY CLUELESS GIT WHO KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT THE EMPIRE should know! But nooo, Mr. Denial doesn't think anyone would dare to track HIS ship. What a maroon. Oh yeah, and he made sure to tell me that he was only "in it for the money." We coud have used that money for say, more ships or cute uniforms or new vibrators... for the Rebel cause, I mean... but fine, he wants money, he'll get it. What a farging yet cute jackass.. I didn't say that, did I?

I must be desperate or something.

Day 5:

Found weakness in Death Star plans- apparently they don't care about the baby ships- and sent our men out to do the job. Except for Mr. Moneygrubber, who predictably took his cash and ran. Jerk. At least Luke is in with our cause, and I think my kisses are encouraging him to "greatness". Mwah!

Day 6:

Luke blew up the Death Star, and Han helped! Big shocker there. Boy, did that turn me on. Two hot guy who can shoot... wonder if they'd be up for a threesome?

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