Meg wanted to go thrift store book shopping before she left town, so I met up with her, Vaiva and Ian at the local used bookstore. I ended up getting a knitting book (well, Meg got it for me), then we hit a few clothing-themed thrift stores, where I got several shirts, a fuzzy sweatshirt with Baby Yoda on it, and a unique skirt with literary lines on it, plus pockets. Then they were done for the day--I note Meg and Vaiva were going to go back home to Santa Cruz--so I went back home and didn't do much. It rained off and on in very weird ways. Like it was dry, then pouring like hell, then dry again, then raining again, then WTF-I-give-up-I'm-going-home.

During which it appears to be sunny out, but I was indoors listening to the tapping seminar before they change over at 5 p.m. And uploading pics from Stitches, which takes FOR-E-VER.

One of the tapping seminar recordings was by Iyanla Vanzart, which I ended up listening to a few times before the recording expired. She talked about a client of hers who was mad at her mother since age 10, but now her mother's got dementia so it's not like the mother remembers now, and about how she (Iyanla) stopped talking to her older sister for 3 years because sister bossed her around and Iyanla was tired of it...and then her sister died. Uh-oh. She had a tapping routine on how someone hurt them that I was REALLY into, and pointed out that sometimes people just don't know what they did and you can't hate on them for not being able to do something. But it also hurts you that they don't realize that they did it. I related to this. Also saying that if you're suppressing, then you eventually end up exploding like a weapon. They’re not even aware of what they did. It seems unfathomable they could do this and have NO awareness that they crushed you, but people do what they do based on who they are. Even when that has a negative impact on you, you are not their first consideration. They are who they are and they are their first consideration.

I...well, I'll put it this way: if I regard him as a crush object, it is entirely reasonable and legitimate of me to drop him fucking cold and never speak to him again, and I should do that, and on that level I don't feel bad about my (lack of) actions. If I supposedly (????) want to keep him as some level of (token?) friend, or at least not go to outright war, then that's where it gets uncomfortable/rude/mean/what have you to do that. Then again, he probably hasn't noticed (my therapist: just because he doesn't react doesn't mean he hasn't noticed), and if he doesn't notice, he isn't hurt, right? If I care more than he does, then it doesn't matter, does it?

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