(Yes, I intended to write an entry for every day. Alas, my parents� net access died the day I got there, and thus I�m posting the paper journal entries I wrote instead a few weeks late. Sorry �bout that.)

1/3:

So today I had an appointment at the dentist. I loathe having to go to the dentist. Basically, anything that could be wrong with my mouth is wrong with my mouth. I have a MAJOR gag reflex (anything gross goes on around me and I�m about to hurl), my mouth�s too small, cavity prone, I make too much saliva (huh?), slight overbite, etc., etc., etc. In an average visit, I get yelled at for 45 minutes and then told to come back a couple more times for fillings. I knew going home during this time, she�d make me get an appointment. That dental care is important, especially if you�re Ms. Bad Mouth, etc. However, last night I totally started wigging out about it. I was all like "I just cannot stand hearing more bad news in my life right now, I cannot have SOMETHING ELSE thrown at me to make me feel like more shit!" I didn�t sleep, I just laid awake and fretted and dreaded and hoped the appointment would be canceled or something because they never gave Mom confirmation on the time. Of course, that didn�t happen.

What happened next kind of reminded me of my middle school days. I normally wasn�t a real sick child, but on certain occasions (sick of school, realized during second period that I forgot my Big Homework Project for sixth, etc.), I�d go to the office, say I had a headache, and they�d send me home. It wasn�t a lie, as I had a lot of headaches all the time growing up (that�s astigmatism for ya) and I usually had one when I sicked out ... but um, they weren�t major headaches. I refused to take aspirin and nothing else I tried ever cured them usually beyond going to bed for 8 hours ... but ironically, going home early from school cleared them up pretty quick! That was really the only major time in my life I pulled that kind of thing, as once I got to high school Mom insisted I have perfect attendance for my resume/college applications. Which is probably a good thing, as an ex-best friend of mine also used to fake being sick all the time as a kid when she wasn�t, but once she grew up she got sick all the time. I�m not a believer in karma, but you gotta wonder about that one�

Anyway, back to what I was saying: I got up to go brush my teeth and floss and all that crap and I started feeling really�gaggy. Not nauseous, but like I was going to gag something up real soon. Brushing and flossing only made it worse. I tried breathing through my nose, drinking water, lying down, etc., and nothing was stopping that feeling. As time went on, I looked down at my new shirt that I was wearing and thought "I�d better change this."

Right before Mom was going to pick me up, I called her to tell her how I felt. She started to try to get me to suck it up ("we can�t reschedule this appointment!"), but then she got another phone call and put me on hold. While I was on hold ... I ended up doing the inevitable. When she got back on the phone, she agreed that sending me to the dentist to have a ton of objects shoved into the back of my mouth was just not a good idea at this moment in time and canceled it.

(Just to let you know how bad the gag reflex is, I�ve been gagging throughout just writing this.)

So I got out of it in the end, and I then went to lay down and sleep a bit more. Mom was surprisingly nice about it, though she er, suspects the timing of this was not coincidental. Specifically, that I "worked myself up" enough that I got sick, but will most likely be better by the time we go out to Pleasanton tonight. I didn�t do that intentionally (I hate you-know-whatting), but even I�m wondering about myself...

Well, today I finally did get to the mall. Hooray! As usual, though, I spent my entire allotment of time at the bookstore, so I didn�t get to check out the rest. I got three books for me and talked Mom into getting a few for herself. We also went to go return a few shirts that didn�t fit and got a red and black velvet shirt and blue velvet dress. Yup, we�re the shopping queens.

The optimism/pessimism debate continues here. I was reading yet another one of those "I�m out of savings, no one�s interested in hiring me, my life is fear" articles and read a quote to Mom that December and January are the worst months to job hunt, and she got pissed. "Where did you hear that?" she snapped. I said that I just want her to understand why I�m scared (California has the fourth lowest unemployment benefits in the country and high living costs, 6 percent unemployment here, etc.), and she kept insisting they�re all applying for different jobs than me, and I said no, every field�s having problems, and she snapped that I have to think positively instead of negatively or I won�t get the job. That�s not my point here! As the article said, it�s hard to hear stuff like "Oh, I�m sure you�ll find something! There are plenty of jobs out there!" when you�re constantly bombarded with scary, real statistics. It just gets on my nerves, like she�s ignoring my fear.

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