You're Not Good Enough
2020-02-26, 9:59 p.m.
While doing “From Self-Loathing to Self-Love: Clearing the Internal Belief That You're Not Good Enough” tapping, I realized that I will always be going through this again and again, because they’re not going to stop thinking badly of me and making sure I know about it and always nitpicking me and telling me how horrible I am. I can “release it now,” but it’ll just happen again and again and this is the price I pay to stay employed.
It doesn’t matter how good I feel about myself. It doesn’t matter that even I, who always think the worst about myself, am starting to think “Uh, at least some of this is sounding like bullshit after a while, or at least I do not think this is a recent complaint about me that you got during the last week.” They are convinced that I am horrible, will always feel that way, and I have to believe I am horrible because they are in charge of me and feel this way. I can’t discount what they say, I have to BUY INTO WHAT THEY SAY. I can’t exactly separate myself from this and go “haters gonna hate, I’m still a good employee” because as far as they are concerned, I’m not, because I’m not Genuine Stepford.
Seriously, I could be worse. I get through more paperwork than anyone else here does and they know it and it would probably take three other people to go through what I can due to speed reading. They would be screwed if I dropped dead and had no idea what I am doing in my little silo. (Which they are aware of, but given our tiny staff, getting others to share the load isn’t actually happening and I’m not sure if/when that can happen. Maybe after others get hired?)
Also, according to the Internet, something ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE AND DIRE is now going to happen at my work, and it’s probably a good thing I’m not there now to find Grandboss and go I TOLD YOU SO, I TOLD YOU ALL LAST WEEK THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I HOPE SOMEBODY THINKS OF A PLAN TO DEAL WITH THIS HORRIBLE THING HAPPENING!!!! ... .of course not, right?
I think I am sick because of this whole thing. I am fine with having an excuse not to be there (though the coughing/vomiting is something I could certainly do without). I guess it may take a while to work out the poison this time.
I slept until twelve today and would have slept longer had Mom not called (sigh). That was great because after a while my lungs did not feel fucked up and I could breathe through my nose for a while. It was restful. I had to go out and get more Kleenex (used an entire box of 75 Kleenex yesterday) and paper towels and more orange drinks. Still glad I didn’t fuck up while driving. And I tried to go “running” for an hour today but could not make it more than around 40 minutes. My thighs hurt, I’m exhausted, but I need to get the crap out of my lungs before it leads me to vomiting every other day for a year again. I wish I could just go work out on a gym machine, but not an option this week if I’m too sick to be in the vicinity of work (well, maybe Saturday). Though that said, much as I despise the trying to run, my lungs do feel better. If a cough of 10 is Vomit City, I only coughed about a level 7 today, so that’s a vast improvement.
I also finished the knitting of the tie, so now it’s washed and blocked and in a few days, I have to figure out how to put in interfacing, design a cross stitch pattern, put it on, and then get the waste canvas out of there. I hope this works...