Not much to say today about work either. My therapy appointment wasn't much other than yakking about the play and telling her that I'm getting over the whole Scott thing. I think she's disappointed (as am I), but the way this relationship has gone, it's not what I want. I want to be closer than he's up for, I want to feel comfortable and safe talking to him and especially that he wants to talk to me, and all of that shit is in doubt at best. I never know how it's going to go and I feel like an idiot who keeps trying to light a fire and either failing or barely getting it to sputter. (I'm terrible with matches and lighters, so this is a very appropriate analogy.) If I'm traumatizing or pressuring him or something, that's even worse, even though my therapist is all "You literally ask him for nothing." Yeah, but I want to, and he knows it, and that's bad. God, how many fucking times I've had a guy hanging around me wanting to go there and I didn't want to and it's just an anvil waiting to come down for me when they ask me out and things turn nightmare. I hate being that anvil for someone else, I hate it.

It's sad to think that in some way he's losing a friend and doesn't even know it, but frankly, would he notice if I don't message him for six months? Would he message me? Probably not and definitely not. Sigh, but there it is. And one person having more feelings than another just sucks. I didn't mind when I knew we both did and just hadn't gotten there yet, but I'm thinking he's over it and as many people have said, is that really a friendship when it's not even? Look, maybe in a year or two if somehow the Winters theater group can get together again, and casual hangouts in large groups could ever happen again, maybe. Maybe then it could develop at whatever pace he's fine with again, slowly, with non-pressuring opportunities. But right now, I can't get this relationship even to maintenance by myself. He's not into it. Take the hint. I can't do anything when someone's being moody like that.

And also, my monitor has decided it is done with no hope of this getting better indefinitely. I can't keep doing this for like, 2 more years or worse. It's not that I don't care or stopped caring, I just can't keep hoping and thinking I can do something about it. I confess I'm a bit stunned at all the tarot I'm watching saying it's going to happen soon because I'm just not seeing life evidence of this. I'd need a miracle and I don't think that's happening in the age of Covid-19. I may give it until May 1 to officially Give The Fuck Up, but...y'know, about there now unless something changes. Without me once again tentatively poking him with a stick to see if he still likes me or not or whatever.

Re: the monitor: "We've got three different targets for solutions, right? So option number one is going to be changing the kind of effort you're investing. Solution number two is going to be just making a decision to change your brain's assessment of how hard it's going to be. And then our third option is going to be changing the goal." I'm going with #1: change the effort I'm investing, with a dose of also "I can't get through pandemic/depression/fire" (#2) being too hard for me to figure out. I'm not quite sure if what I am doing is quitting entirely, but it's at least changing my investment.

In other news, my neighbor died. I haven't been out in awhile (obviously), though I think I saw her partner out with the dog the last time I was driving the car. Inevitable, given the amount of health shit she had, but she always seemed like a nice lady. Sorry she's finally gone. I'm glad she made it as long as she did.

My state is lifting ALL virus restrictions on June 15. THE FUCK?!?! Yeah, yeah, it's probably because of the recall pressure, but THE FUCK?! Can we please NOT BE TEXAS and wait to see how shit is in over 2 months before we say things like this?

Remember how a few months ago all I could talk about was like, Baby Yoda or whatever? These days all I have is the play, yarn, and the British Royal Family. Lots of that one.

Note from November 2021 as I post this late: He did notice.

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