Chaos Attraction

The Weirding Continues

2005-05-03, 2:07 p.m.

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I haven't updated this in awhile. Mainly because I've been pretty depressed at what I have to update after the last cheerful one.

Mom and I have been pretty much doing nothing but fighting over the last week. Due to some severe miscommunication on her part, we started fighting over whether or not I was going to take time off and how much and what days to go see Pam, and somehow this led into her screaming at me for not helping her clean again. I was all, um, wtf?, you never asked me to, you were busy with Dad the whole time, and she was all, "Well, you should have asked ME, because I'm so afraid to ask you because you get angry at me for asking." Um, yeah, you hate how I clean and I know every time you ask me to clean you're going to end up screaming at me- of COURSE I'm going to get angry! The woman got snappish when I started cleaning off the bed at her house so I could sleep in it, because after several hours I was tired of waiting for her to do it. Initiating isn't a good idea around her when she wants it Her Way! She told me that I shouldn't be angry, should "give her a chance" (right, after 50 billion fights, the 50 billionth and oneth time we try cleaning together, we won't fight. And unicorns will fly out of my butt), and should suck it up and be cheerful. And that she can't wait until I grow up and start learning to sacrifice for other people.

So now that she's pissed at me for not cleaning, she's refusing to get help for Dad again. I swear it's out of spite. The doctor sent over a nurse to check Dad's bedsore, but I guess she didn't say a damned thing about getting help of any kind. Dammit.

And then Sunday she started yelling at me that I don't care about them AT ALL for (a) not calling to check on them the second the nurse left (um, remember how we were fighting, and I didn't want to start fighting up AGAIN immediately the next day?), (b) not asking how they're doing first off when I call (truth be told, I dread asking, but I do DO it, at least. But that's not good enough), and (c) not remembering their wedding anniversary, which I never do but she's still not used to it yet. So naturally, I'm a big ol' asshole and I don't care about my parents and I want them to rot in hell.

She was all, "I never said you were an asshole."
I said, "How am I supposed to translate 'You don't care about us,' then? Obviously I'm not a nice person if I don't care about my own parents. So yes, you are saying that I'm an asshole." (And she wonders why I don't have fabulous self-esteem.)

Oddly enough, this shut her up and got her to apologize for going over the top, but I don't expect that to last, either. I can't please her no matter what I do. Whatever I sacrifice isn't enough to even count for her.

I went to a lunchtime talk on anger as a part of grieving after this the next day, but I don't think it helped much. Yes, I'm aware it's a coping device to be angry, yes, I know I should watch funny movies to cheer up, blah blah blah. I want to know how I'm not supposed to lose it at my mother in mid-conversation, but nobody has any suggestions for that one. Plus um, I kind of lost it at the facilitator who tried to use me as an example of a family member who "cheerleads" you when you have problems, and I was all, "Um, actually no, she's telling me I don't care about her. I don't think that's cheerleading."

I found this bit at Mystic Medusa (no permalinks), and couldn't help but agree.

"Astro-Bazza has updated...He too is getting heaps of 'What the fuck is going on?' e-mails: "recent discussions and emails with several different folks all yielded a similar observation-they, and seemingly everyone else they know, are all enduring a fairly potent period of dealing with some big shit. When I ponder my immediate circle of friends and myself, I can't disagree with this description. (What about you?) Apparently, some long-present, deep-seated issues are tunneling their way out from their hibernal repression-nests and rejoining the conscious forefront of our lives, so that we can't really look away. It's an experience usually to our ultimate benefit& and also usually a pain in the ass as it happening. 'What astrological thing do you attribute this to?' they want to know. My immediate answer is the Apr 24 lunar eclipse in Scorpio. Lunar eclipses are extra-special, intensely charged full moons, shining their wacky wild light down on us, illuminating, gifting us with suddenly heightened awareness in certain areas of our lives. Scorpio, the sign where this recent lunar eclipse fell, is the cesspool repository for our deepest, darkest psychological crap. It makes sense, then, that a lunar eclipse in Scorpio could have this effect...." There is more here and it is definitely worth reading, especially if you too are amidst The Weirding."

The Weirding. I like that. It sounds appropriate. And god knows, TEH DRAMA is all over the place these days.

Regarding that AstroBarry character, I thought this week's horoscope was appropriate: "This is a great week to answer the ring of your higher calling, and to confront the ways your stubbornness of self-identification limits you. In other words, 'what you are supposed to do' requires some behaviors that 'who you are' currently inhibits or prevents altogether. Incidentally, this 'supposed to do' is not of my determination& it comes from a wise voice inside you, both above and beneath the entrenchments of ego (e.g., shame, habit, risk aversion), which always has the right answers. 'Who you are', alas, is too often an amalgamation of things other people told you about yourself and your fears insist upon maintaining because it's easier than being someone different. This week is perfect for purposely eliciting the uncomfortable or challenging experiences that will force you to do what you're supposed to do, at the expense of who you've told yourself you are. Venus is watching over, ensuring that what at some other time would be jarring to the point of destabilization will yield a softer landing, though no less transformative an impact. Use her blessing while you've got it."


Anyway, sick of discussing THAT particular topic, so let's move on.

I spent the weekend doing crafts, reading, and shopping. Woo! Learned how to make wire rings and some tie-dye tips over the weekend at the CC. I still have to wash my shirts tonight and see how they came out, though.

I also did a massive amount of shopping. You see, after wire jewelry class I realized I couldn't find my wire stash and needed more, so I hit the bead store. And I then decided to try to find cheap T-shirts that covered me up and weren't particularly interesting so I'd have something to wear out clubbing*, so I went all over the place trying to find SOME store that didn't close promptly at 6 p.m. Apparently the only clothing store in town that doesn't do that is the Gap, but at least they had a fat sale going on and I got five shirts for about $7 apiece. Considering every other store in town is more like $18-20, I was pretty pleased. And I had a coupon for Borders, so I went in there and picked up some new books I wanted.

And then the day after that, I went to lunch with Denise, and she wanted to hang out in Borders doing her homework after that, so I ended up staying there reading for like 6 hours, and buying two more books. And having conversations that made people stare at us like we were freaks *sigh*. I am bad. And I never went to the gym either weekend night, which I feel bad about. But when you're on the other side of town and carrying a lot of stuff and it's after 6 p.m., you just don't feel like hiking down to the gym too much. Meh. I hope that doesn't backtrack me too badly, but I fear it will since I skipped the previous weekend and I'm pretty sure I won't be making it over there at all during Whole Earth. Truth be told, I wasn't really in the mood to work out last night and wanted to go home and get stuff worked on, but I felt guilty enough for skipping all that time already.

Speaking of Whole Earth, I need to get cracking on preparing stuff. Price tags and whatnot, displays, finding bags to haul all my shit in, etc. I did a few necklaces this weekend (posted on the craft blog), but I need to do more and since it seems to take me a damned hour to make each necklace, I'm not going too fast. I also wanted to finish my ribbon tie-on shirt in time to wear at WEF, but I don't think that's going to happen. Then again, it's predicted to rain buckets most of the weekend (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO), so I guess it doesn't matter and we're all going to be sitting around soaked and making no money. Bleah.

You know what I hate? Having to replace stuff. My Palm's battery seems to be crapping out on me- I charge it before going to bed and when I wake up, the charge is 3/4 of the way gone. I fear I'll need to buy another one soon. Even more annoying, I am in the habit of using my i705's keyboard for speedier typing/input, and they don't make Palms with thumb keyboards any more. The only Palm they make with an attached keyboard is the $400 Tungsten C. I don't really want to pay $400 for the dang thing (plus I think the cheaper and prettier Zire 31 is quite adorable and fun to play with- but no keyboard for it), but on the other hand, I really love my keyboard and it lets me take notes in places better. So I guess when I replace my Palm, I'll have to get one of those. Bleah. Oh well, at least I'd get a whopping $5 if I buy it at school.

You know what also sucks? Palm offers a $50 gift certificate if you turn in your old Palm. But that means you have to go Palmless until they send you another one. How freaking annoying is that? Especially since I use my as my alarm clock these days because the Palm beeping doesn't scare the crap out of me the way alarms usually do. Besides, I heart my Palm. I set that thing to beep me for everything. I can't go without it!

I also discovered today that my trusty L.L. Bean backpack, well... I could SEE THROUGH the bottom of it today. Aiee. At first I was quite outraged. Then it occurred to me that I've had it for eight years- what do I expect? Nothing lasts forever, especially when you use it every single day and pile a black hole's worth of crap in it every time. But the happy thing is L.L. Bean still carries my brand of backpack, but in much prettier colors and on sale! Hooray!

* I have about three short-sleeved shirts that don't show any skin beyond the neck and don't have some kind of cute slogan on them. Since I'm trying NOT to advertise my assets in a bar when I have no intention of selling them (yeah, that analogy is squicky, but what else would you say?), and I've discovered that so much as wearing a scoop-necked top there attracts creeps, I end up rotating between three shirts all the time. This is kind of bothersome.

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