Chaos Attraction

Not Moving On (Still, Ever)

2011-05-20, 1:37 p.m.

I have been in a very bad mood all week. I have been trying to get out of said bad mood, and it lightens a bit here and there with television or the Craft Center, but otherwise I hate everyone.

At first, I was fine with the whole didn't get the job thing. Then it occurred to me a few days later that I'll be going back to not doing so much, being at risk of layoff, etc. and the fear came roaring back.

Also I got my hopes up, which is never good. Also, I had been feeling challenged and in charge of my life and ready to do other things--in short, to Move On, something I never fucking do-- and here I am, same as ever, not moving on. I've got several versions of updated resumes and a few new job skills to add to them, but otherwise I feel back at square 1 again.

For once I chose to do something different, and NOPE. So I feel like a dumbass.

I had been in a good mood for so long, feeling confident and in control and useful. I was bouncy and perky, for godsake. And now it's over. I feel like I'm back to being ME again, which SUCKS. I hate me!

In other news, some of my ex-friends have decided to Move On and move away forever at the end of the month. I'd care if they hadn't gone AWOL for the last year anyway. What's the difference now? Enough of us were still left in town that we could have had another year of fun, except they all stopped caring. Everyone else Moved On. I'm still mad. I've done "get over it" rituals and I am a lot number about it than I used to be, but I am not all happy about it like everyone else probably is.

So when I got the "we're leaving, let's have a goodbye dinner this weekend" e-mail, I thought, "oh, sure, NOW people want to get together? Is anyone going to bother to show up?"

I don't know why I said yes to this. I don't know. It was stupid of me.

I found this quote by Cary Tennis today:

"You don't have to "move on" either. Not until you're ready. People say, Oh, you should be grateful. They say, Oh, it's time for you to move on. I'm like, What are you, a cop with a nightstick? I'll move on when I'm done playing the blues on my harmonica, thank you very much.
Really, people will tell you all kinds of garbage. Don't believe it.
You don't have to move on until you're ready."

I like the IDEA of this, but in reality, I don't think it's true. Everyone else chooses to move on themselves or chooses something that will force you to move on, and then you're forced to, whether you like it or not. If your job chooses to force you to move on in a layoff, then it doesn't matter if you're ready or not. If your boyfriend dumps you, you have to move on, like it or not. Etc., etc.

Jane Pratt attempted an online version of adult Sassy this week. It's...mostly not good so far. I was reading this very good takedown of it and then had a moment of sympathy for Jane. I never liked her much compared to the other Sassy girls, but as far as I can tell, nothing else in Jane's professional life was ever as awesome as Sassy was. She got forced to Move On, but has anything else ever been as good for her? I'm guessing not. I sort of don't blame her for wanting to try again. (Though I do blame her for turning out a site that's 98% super irritating beauty product whine. She should know better, but maybe traditional beauty mags warped her brain by now.)

So, bottom lines of this post:
(a) It really sucks to get forced to move on when you're not ready/don't wanna, and you definitely don't get a choice about that.
(b) When I tried to do what everyone else does and Move On, I didn't.
(c) I hate everyone.

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