Chaos Attraction

Oprah, Halle And I Are Like Sisters!

2004-05-27, 3:23 p.m.

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I read all the damn time about people saying "I want a family." And every time I do, I find myself shuddering.

I don't have good associations with "having a family." Y'all know the issues I have with mine already. Y'all know I am not jumping up and down at the idea of having babies.

But even beyond that, you know what I'm scared of? It seems like there's a pretty large contingent of people out there who did the traditional thing and got married and had babies- and are miserable. I read The Bitch In The House, I read Flux, I'm currently reading something called "Mad To Be A Mother" that I dug up in the library that starts out talking about mothers from a childfree point of view and then in the next chapter, starts talking about how yummy babies are and how badly moms just want to EAT THEM (no, really. I'm not kidding. This is not a metaphorical reference. Well, not chew and swallow, but at least bite a lot.). It's all pretty depressing. Like, all you're supposed to want in the world is a husband who will pay for your babies, so you can devote yourself to the babies...and then you find these stories of really pissed off, stressful moms. And this is supposed to make me happy? This is what I'm supposed to want? They sound miserable and trapped. I don't feel sold on the concept.

What this is leading into is that I actually had a conversation with my mom about this subject that went well and wasn't all "Oh, someday you will, sweetie." She was saying that I seem pretty happy single, and I said that yes, I have realized that much as I might want to, I can't really do the wife-and-marriage thing and I'd only make myself miserable trying. And that I'd just be a smothery, bitchy mother, which she thought was funny when she wasn't asking me if she was smothery. "Somewhat, but not nearly like Grandma. See, I'd be Grandma."

And she was amazingly cool with the idea. Sure, she wants grandkids, but if I don't and I'm happy, she's good. Which is a relief, because I don't think I'm even going to swing the boyfriend thing again.

I don't think I mentioned it here, but a week or so ago I did a tarot reading asking if I was meant to be alone, and the results couldn't have been clearer: (a) you have bad relationships and can't pick the right men, (b) you can be very happy alone, and (c) it finished up with the Lovers card, upside down. It don't get any clearer than that.

I told her about that tarot reading and I think she was pretty shocked- "Did you shuffle the cards?" (Uh, yeah, plenty of times.) I told her, "Even when I ask the magic 8 ball if I'm meant to be alone, I always get a no. Not even 'future is cloudy,', NO." She got a laugh from that too.

Of course, as it turns out, the reason she's cool with me being forever single is because her idol is Oprah. And Oprah is single and happy. She has a boyfriend, but "their relationship seems so cold. I don't think she needs a man." Nope, not really. So if I come out like Oprah, she'll be pleased. Then she started telling me about how Halle Berry was on her show talking about all her cheating ex-husbands and how she just can't pick a good man and said she'll never get married again, and Oprah was all, "I told you so. I have this on tape now, remember that." Then Benjamin Bratt came on and yapped about how happily married he was, which I somehow doubt went over all that well.

So, if I'm going to be like Oprah, can I have my own magazine and talk show and cult too?

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