Kenneth Branagh Version, 2006:

* This one is set in...19th century Japan? WTF? There’s this opening text about Japan having trade wtih the English.
* It seriously starts out with English people watching a kabuki show and then the kabuki show gets attacked. WTF. Is Branagh out of his damn mind?
* OH WAIT, I GUESS HE’S SHOWING THE NICE DUKE BEING TAKEN DOWN. Brutally.
* Why is Kevin Kline hanging out on the floor? What the hell is he doing?
* THERE ARE FUCKING NINJAS IN SHAKESPEARE NOW?
* The ladies in this are much hotter and have gorgeous damn blonde and red hair. I am drooling at the hotness.
* “Sweet my coz, be merry” has an entirely different context when you show the two ladies lying on the bare floor and CRYING, rather than two ladies off playing whatever in the garden. I have to say that particular setting works so much damn better in some respects, or at least I find it more plausible/interesting to watch.
* “What shall be our sport, then?” turns into a scare scene with Touchstone, I guess. I think they cut some lines.
* Le Beau is very intense, with old school stashe.
* So the de Boys are African-English now? Well, that’s new. They are also soaking wet because this scene is outside in a rainstorm for some reason.
* The wrestling scene is now, of course, sumo wrestling. Orlando is fucking tiny.
* I’m amused at how the ladies are whispering behind their fans when trying to talk him out of it. I guess that’s the equivalent of “this is why you can’t recognize her later.” Though come on, Bryce Dallas Howard is SUCH A REDHEAD, how could you not? Let’s see how the movie explains this!
* I gotta say Rosalind and Orlando really sell that scene emotionally.
* THE SUMO WRESTLING IS THE GUYS HAVING A FUCKING SLAP FIGHT.
* Okay, yes, he does get a full shot of Rosalind’s face sans fan.
* I didn’t think Le Beau was gay in this one at first, but he definitely wishes he could get to know Orlando better. Is that all this guy does in the show?
* Does any furniture exist for these poor girls to sit on? Why are they always on the floor? Didn’t the English haul in their own furniture wherever they went?
* I have to note that Rosalind is slightly shorter than Celia, and then Celia has very big piled up hair on top of that.
* I have to say that these actors sure do have more passion when delivering lines than in the last one. Duke Frederick really sells this banishing scene.
* I think they fast-forwarded a bit because somehow we just got into Silvius a lot earlier. Did they buy the farm or not? Oh wait, now they’re doing it.
* Starring Kevin Kline as Jaques! He’s quiet, yet so emo.
* There is a brief glance of Audrey! She is a messed up wreck!
* Complaining about a lack of “blue eye” on a black man sounds odd, even though again, I looked this up and it’s more like “you should look sleepless.” Likewise, neither of them are dressing in the way that she is complaining about.
* Well, this Audrey and Touchstone are groping in bed. WITH GOATS. WTF. Also they have the biggest hair in the show. Janet McTeer seems like she should deserve better than this part, I gotta say. She doesn’t come off dumb, just horny. I wonder how much I am going to have to actually make out with Jimmy Smiles in this? That should be weird for him.
* YEAH GIRL, YOU SLAP HIM.
* TWICE.
* If I actually get to pound and slap, I’ll really enjoy this.
* Seriously, you just smacked him twice and now you’re happy to get proposed to?
* I need to have my boobs out this big.
* That’s a third slapping.
* They are doing the Martext scene in the .... goatery?
* At this point Celia’s hair is kinda messy and scatty.
* Is Phebe supposed to be Japanese?
* What’s with these people just lurking in the woods and yelling at people?
* I admit that “Ganymede” is actually goddamned hot in this moment.
* Phebe immediately starts smiling and gaping and playing with her hair.
* OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT says “Ganymede” when she figures this out.
* Is that some kind of Japanese mullet on Silvius?
* “DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!” is kind of rude to yell at anyone.
* Phebe, don’t CUDDLE with Silvius if you don’t want him. That is so leading him on and isn’t the situation bad enough already?
* Back to Crazy Hair Audrey. Good lord. Oh. She seems to be trying to defend William as not having any interest in her in this one. Where the hell did this come about from? I always feel like we’re missing some scenes with these people.
* Is that a ...Scottish-Japanese accent on William?!
* Audrey appears to be bodyguarding him to some degree?
* Or leading him on?
* Yo Touchstone: you want to fuck her, but not stay married to her, but you’ll kill anyone else who eyes her?
* Audrey loves his death threats. Ooooookay then. What the smack is going on here? Are they just weird kinksters?
* I somehow don’t feel like referring to a snail with his house on his head is the best comeback.
* “WOO ME. WOOOOOO ME.”
* Oh, that just got hot when he grabbed her. Ain’t no fucking way this guy thinks she’s not a girl, right? Like seriously?
* Oh, they’re actually trying to show the lion fight. Again, are lions actually in Japan either? I don’t think so. This is shot very...awkwardly and cutting intermittently and as the link above pointed out, it looks like he’s fighting something taxidermied and not moving. 'Tis very bad.
* I’ll say this: I think I see more “love at first sight” between this Celia and Oliver in this one. Why is she standing around on a rock, btw?
* A bloody napkin is still a sucky present, y’all.
* “Counterfeit to be a man!” Oliver says. Yeah, why don’t you try that for a while?
* I admit I actually go for Celia and Oliver in this one. Go figure.
* Why are you asking your little brother if you can marry a lady? You’re supposed to ask her dad (which, as you might recall, might not be a fun experience if he could).
* OH HEEEEEEY I AM BATHING NAKED BEHIND THIS CONVENIENTLY LOCATED BRANCH LOL.
* Oh yeah, I hang out with magicians in Japan. This sounds legit.
* Seriously, why is this set in Japan? After the first fifteen minutes that is no longer relevant whatsoever.
* Everyone is grabbing all over everyone else and yelling in their faces. Yeah, I’ve had enough too, Rosalind.
* Nobody ever red flagged about the “as I love no woman” bits? Of course not, because most characters are oblivious.
* Look, Rosalind is lurking behind a tree again, but this time with clothes on. It’s rather cute, actually.
*Oh, Le Beau, I forgot you were in this show. Why is Duke Frederick crying?
* Everyone is just...sitting around in a random amphitheater somewhere? With flags?
* And....all these random people showed up?
* Audrey finally fixed her hair.
* “Country copulatives?!?!”
* Thank you for thwapping him with your bouquet when he said you were poor and desperate, Audrey. What is with this play telling women that they're ugly and desperate and have to take what they can get?
* Celia is in... Japanese outfit? Phebe is too? If this were made now people would yell about co-opting Japanese culture and this would not be allowed.
* Here comes the.... also dressed Japanese style Rosalind.
* Does Orlando ever figure out that Ganymede is Rosalind? I am unclear. Or does he think it’s just some kind of lookalike coincidence?
* Wait, what does Phebe think of this? No lines, no reaction, just...random snuggle with Silvius?
* NO HOMO IN THIS PLAY, Y’ALL. Someone should redo this where “oh, btw, I’m a woman” is no excuse not to wed a girl. LOL WHO’D WANT TO WED A WOMAN.
* Audrey’s not sure if that “winter to foul weather” thing is an insult.
* Oh look, here’s the third brother, who somehow randomly knows to show up here? How’d he get the wedding invite?
I’m gonna be curious to see how Laure deals with all these one scene wonders.
* We’re actually seeing Duke Frederick’s random conversion in this one....minus dialogue. Well. That’s a thing that was at least attempted. How did Jaques II find this shit out anyway?
* And yet another dance party and “hey nonny nonny.” What, no Japanese music?
* Uh...dude is randomly sitting under a tree?
* This is giving me diabetes a la Mamma Mia with all the running and cuteness.
* Also, there is snow indoors?
* Let’s cut back to the guy (Frederick?) sitting in the woods! Who cares?
* Jesus, if we have to do a dance party ending, please let’s do better music than this.
* Oh, wait, we forgot about the epilogue. Let’s interrupt the credits to bring back Rosalind in dude outfit, delivering it while hanging out showing the filming behind the scenes. That’s certainly different. Not sure what that’s about, but it’s different.
* So Rosalind is kind of offering to make out with everyone? This is strange.
* She heads off to her trailer. The end.

Welp, that was odd.

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