Chaos Attraction

The Stars Conspire Against Me

2006-06-08, 3:49 p.m.

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Note: this entry will deal entirely with astrological predictions. If this isn't your bag, baby, feel free to skip this entry. It's probably going to be quite ridiculous anyway, as all of my predicting-the-future entries inevitably are. But hey, there's nothing quite like the adrenaline rush that comes from jumping the gun!

Does being a "chaos magnet" show up in your astrological chart?

One of the CC teachers, Geri, does astrology. She's an awesome person. I knew she did astrology, but I didn't know before that she was willing to take looks at people's charts. (Going off of the computer at the CC, I'm like the fifth person she's done this for lately.) Anyway, we were chatting in the sewing room on Saturday about whether or not this could be proven, and she said, "Well, if you print me out a chart, I'll look at it."

So I ran to astro.com and printed out the natal, and it was determined that yes, there ARE aspects that do this. My first house being Scorpio and having Uranus in Scorpio apparently means that a lot of unexpected events happen to me and they're all personal. And Pluto in Libra I guess is a "crazy magnet" aspect to boot.

It went on from there, with me asking her about Saturn Return, and she said that when Saturn returns to its natal placement, some kind of shit is likely to go down with Dad.

So later on at home, I looked this up. And found that Saturn hits the natal in late October through November 1- Dad's birthday. You know how people say that people tend to die around their birthdays? And that that time is probably around the outside for how long someone can survive on a ventilator?

Yeah, I kinda think The Big D is going to happen around then if it's happening earlier than 2007. I guess it'd be symmetrical, really. Maybe I don't have to worry about skipping a vacation this summer if it's not likely to happen then. On the other hand, I guess I won't knock myself out planning a spectacular Halloween costume or plan on going to any Halloween events.

(Yes, I am evil and shallow to be trying to figure out when Dad dies so I can plan a vacation. Just wait, I get more evil and shallow as this entry goes on.)

Other astrological aspects going on: moon and Neptune in the fourth house (i.e. family is dissolving- no surprise there), Pluto in the second house, Uranus in the fifth house. Uranus in the fifth house of romance. Uh, remember this for later.

And then, the OHOLYSHIT bit: five freaking planets in my first house, in Scorpio. Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter. Conjunctions ahoy there, particularly Mercury/Jupiter and Venus/Mars and Sun/Venus and Sun/Mars.

This, folks, is a stellium, otherwise known as "Uh, how often does THIS show up in your chart? Not very."

Naturally, given the Saturn-hell and the family-hell aspects, I figured that five planets showing up in the same place at the time time around now must equate to something very, very bad. And thus, I frantically looked around the internets and in my books for assistance. This was pretty frustrating.

Happily for me, Geri was around for a meeting during my shift on Tuesday night and I told her what I'd found. And she was all, "Ohmygod, let me see this," and I printed it out. Her original verdict was "This isn't bad. These are all good planets. It's probably something good happening at the same time as the stuff with your dad." I was all, "So um, I have a good day until he dies?" Yeah, that's kinda funny...in that "God's laughing at you" kind of perverse funny. She said she'd go check her books and look up more information for me.

Which she got back to me about yesterday at the party. And...oh lordy lordy.

New verdict: "You're going to get a surprise gift. You're probably going to fall in love...it'll be a complete surprise, you won't be able to predict where this is coming from. But it's not going to last."

Checking a chart five days later, Venus hits where my natal Uranus is. Venus/Uranus connections apparently guarantee a relationship that's going to flake out. And oddly enough, my moon hitting my natal Sun in Taurus.

And then there's this site:

"Progressed Venus conjunct Sun/ or Moon/Descendant midpoint, Progressed Sun conjunct Venus/Descendant midpoint, or Progressed Ascendant or Descendant conjunct Sun/ Venus midpoint would also be good indicators of a period in the life-clock during which a loved one might appear.
Once meant to occur (by any of these afore- mentioned patterns), the universe will go to great lengths to put two people together. People will meet “accidentally” or on distant trips to places they will never revisit, or will be introduced by a third party who will never again appear in either of their lives.
Coincidence or synchronicity will abound, and the non-astrologer will remain amazed by such “luck,” whereas the astrologer will nod knowingly as the Divine Plan is revealed through cosmic mathematics."


If I had a choice in the matter, I would prefer to either (a) stay single forever, or (b) get partnered up with someone for the long-term. Having a temporary fuckbuddy (i.e. option c) is distinctly NOT something that I want. On the rare occasions when I find someone THAT attractive, and it's mutual, I head whole-hog into the relationship and start having marital fantasies even if I don't want to get married. (I just want there to be the POTENTIAL for that, even if neither of us wants to. You know, in case we had to get married for a green card or insurance or something.) I can't do casual "for fun" dating. Hate it, actually.

And yet, THAT is what is astrologically being handed to me (forced upon me?) on a silver platter. I spent years looking around for love aspects in my charts, never found any. And yet, NOW I've got multiple aspects all conspiring against me. Elements about horniness, elements about how I'm supposed to attract the hell out of people, elements about how I'm suddenly going to be some sort of sexual predator...er, come on to people out of the blue or something... and finally, Uranus meaning that it'll be some kind of freaky surprise, I'll fall in love at first sight with someone completely unsuitable, and the relationship will end as quickly as it began. And the second I see the dude, my brains are apparently going to dribble out my ear and I'll hop into a completely wrong relationship. No self-control. Yeah, I'm sure some people out there *cough*Jess*cough* think I desperately need a fuckbuddy for some fun, but UGH UGH UGH FUCKING UGH. My inner Taurus despises this shit.

And I won't even start on how falling in non-true love/lust at first sight and a surprise happening at the same time that Dad dies is just fucking evil on the part of the universe. I'd say that God's pinning a KICK ME sign on my back, except it looks to be more of a "FUCK ME" sign these days.

Thing is, I've felt for a long time now that I've got ONE SHOT LEFT in my inner resources for getting into a relationship again, and THAT ONE BETTER WORK OUT, because if it doesn't, that's it, I'm done. And now it's predicted that my next shot is a definite not-going-to-work-out, I can't fucking avoid it and I'll be hopping into it whether I want to or not?

Someone shoot me before October hits, please.


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