Work: got Quarterly Project utterly done today, albeit it took 2 hours to get the program fixed first :P

In other news, I'm scheduled for a private meeting with InterimBigBoss next Friday about my issues...gulp. I'm going to need to figure out exactly HOW honest I am going to be on those topics.

We also had another BigBoss presentation, which I missed due to therapy. Asked my boss about it and she said the guy sounded impressive (I note he comes from Big Deal Sibling GiantOrg, no less, I'm guessing they wouldn't promote him over there when their BigBoss retired), but also she was only half paying attention. I was told someone asked him what he brought to potlucks and he said brownies, which is an improvement over former BigBoss who scorned desserts. He sounds great. I hope they provide me with a recording sometime. (That said, my boss said that Giant Org doesn't care about getting our opinions here, SIGH.)

Our new temp has been instructed to go fix a bunch of crap I haven't been permitted to fix in like 18 months, so yay for that.

I am not at karaoke tonight since my friends are not going (sigh) and I don't feel great about hanging at that place alone so much. It's a shame since I have the whole night off, darn it. But I hear it's 99 outside and feels like 103, so....

Today's projects: making a better ascot for Kelly's Fred costume (which has been finished and approved and is still blocking--how is it still somewhat wet after today's weather?!), catching up on the July section of the cross stitch, and going back to the Encanto skirt. And watching "The Hating Game" on Hulu, which is a book I loved and the movie is working just like the book, HUZZAH. Perfectly done.

Hooooooooo boy, therapy again. I told her about the mama drama and she was all "have you considered that she might be right?" and yet at the same time was all "yeah, a makeover doesn't solve your life" either. She did suggest going with Mom's suggestions because she did that with her mother: her mother was insisting on her wearing Peter Pan collars and straightening her hair, so they went shopping and she tried on clothes she didn't like and wigs she didn't like and then her mom realized how bad it all looked. I love this idea, but did also ask, "So what happens if she LIKES the look?" No answer there, I don't think.

She also thought my mom saying that Scott was using me for affection was mean and she didn't think that was it and "I don't think he does that with just anybody." (He does not.) She kept pointing out, he said no. I keep pointing out, then why does he treat me differently than everyone else? Why is he more affectionate with me than anyone else (even Arielle so far as I know)? Why doesn't that mean anything? Because if I'm not into someone like that, I don't by god hug like he does. ("Everyone hugs," she says, I'm all, "NOT LIKE THAT, THEY ARE NOT.") I keep my damn distance to not lead people on--why wouldn't he do that? Why wouldn't he act indifferent if that's how he genuinely feels? I think there's at least some contradictory behavior here, and things he's said that seem to be all "I have my own issues, so no" rather than "I have zero interest in you like that whatsoever." If the latter is the truth, why doesn't he act like someone who isn't interested and doesn't care? Y'all wonder why I'm confused?

She kept saying more or less that that and all the signs mean nothing, we don't know why he acts like that with you, he may not care or he may not feel comfortable, who knows. "I think that the universe is giving you something that you need but not in the way that you want it," and talked about choosing to stay involved even though it hurts and isn't what I want.

But if there's a better fit for me, THEN WHERE IS THIS PERSON AND WHY CAN'T THEY SHOW UP IN MY LIFE ALREADY?!?! WHERE IS THIS BETTER PERSON, and why can't I find them in my normal life, and I can't fucking stomach a dating app and reading messages from creepers to go looking, I just can't.

Honestly, I think I just need to give up and dial it back and not really try there any more and accept that I'm not going to get love in this lifetime. That said, I'd still like to know why all the fucking signs and why the cord cutting didn't work if this isn't the one. That makes no sense. Like universe, I wanted a sign for "the one," not for "not the one," the FUCK. I spelled that out. Multiple times.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry