Chaos Attraction

Somebody To Love, Part 2

2019-08-27, 9:23 a.m.

Therapy call: Today I could do it INSIDE MY OWN PRIVATE OFFICE. No outdoors, no construction anywhere, I locked the door* and just chatted. I could hear everyone talking outside my office, mind you, but at least nobody tried to come in and for once I was only talking about boy drama if they overheard that one.

* though I was getting a wee bit of crap for “having my door closed” earlier, by which they meant “it was halfway closed-ish.” Oh, come on, you can still tell I’m in there and can come in, that’s fine!

My shrink’s response to the last two weeks of boy drama:

I told her about what Meg said and she said I should believe what he said for now, but not for the long haul. I should allow myself to enjoy it without making it heavy. Which is fine by me, I’m not in the mood to get heavy these days anyway (says she who once got engaged on date 2, ain’t doing that shit no more). I do think this is kind of in almost boyfriend land at some point. Part of me is totally cool with the slow burn tantalizing fun thing, I am enjoying that when it goes on in real life. I get that this is going to be a long game.

Then we talked about game planning and how that has tended to go awry (see below) and she said, “You always need to know exits, water fountains and bathrooms,” and I was all yesssssssss to this.

She said there is a connection between us, like there is with her and her crush, but in that case it’s not romantic (and can’t be) and for me it would be better if it was since we’re both single. She said that trying to make things happen is bad because I freak out, so I should let it happen. Fine. Long game. I get it.

She finished off the session with saying, “Boy chat is pretty crucial. Let’s not minimize.”

On a related note, I have some iChing app on my phone that seems far more comprehensible than the usual iChing and the card I got for this topic was called “A Steady Pace,” with the text, “For love, marriage, and other long-term partnerships, the best progress is slow but steady-- slow enough to allow for the bonds to knit properly and steady enough to keep moving in the right direction...Development must be free to take its course; events must neither be rushed nor manipulated, but allowed to unfold in their own natural time.” Then in the “Changing Lines” section (whatever that is, I don’t get iChing), it says “the image is of a lonely young man who sets forth on his own. His perception of facing a huge challenge makes him careful. The indication here is that if you are cautious, and persevere, you will have good fortune. When situations are allowed to develop gradually with good timing, liabilities can evolve into assets.”

And I got another card called “Gentle Penetration” (huh huh huh snicker snort insert jokes about cocaine again for that name) about how “small forces can add up to produce lasting results” and ideas slowly reaching minds and hearts and “in personal relationships, a gentle beginning can lead to a long-lasting union.” It talks about “only when a small force continually moves in the same direction will it have a cumulative effect” (yes, well, I’m concerned about that continual same direction issue not happening) and “in human affairs, this kind of soft influence comes more through strength of character than by direct confrontation or active seduction.”

Not that I plan on doing either of those, fuck no. I don’t wanna do any direct confrontation at all on this topic at this time (see below) and what with the whole food allergy thing, one can’t just plant lips on the dude without having not eaten for 4-5 hours beforehand, according to the joys of Internet research on the topic. So, no.

Another card I got was “Creative Power,” which said that positive actions taken with good timing will meet with success, and “this first hexagram contains all yang lines and is one of the most auspicious readings in the Book of Changes. Whoever draws this hexagram is assured success if they follow the six stages of development starting with the bottom line. By being sensitive to conditions and doing things in the right order, one develops more influence. Time itself becomes the means to make real what has only been the potential before now. ... Remember that when taking action, success requires making the right moves at the right time.”

At the end of the workday, I got an email from the Death by Design director, apologizing for the late response but he’s been on vacation. He is having a second reading tomorrow--I am unclear as to whether or not this should or could be considered a “callback” or not. “Ideally, I would wait until we have actors to match up the roles, but I don’t want to keep you all hanging on. Thus, I will cast what I can after that, so expect something Wednesday night/Thursday morning.”

Wait, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

I did not expect to hear shit on this topic ever again. I’m still in the running for this? Maybe? What?

I am UTTERLY CONFLICTED ON THIS because if I get in, it means no more karaoke (this joint is about an hour away from the bar) and I won’t see him or anyone else in the gang for months at all, and it means I might not be able to even audition for Coney Island Christmas because while I’m guessing I may not have rehearsals for this show after it starts its run in mid-October, tech week might overlap with auditions or something. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I really don’t think they have too many people auditioning for this, going on the small # of people emailed, so I might have better odds even if I am bad. Though I have vacation going on for a week in the middle and that might not be great there. Plus god only knows on my English accent and I don’t super think I fit any of the roles in more than a minor way.

Here’s the thing: if I get in, I’ll take it. I need the experience, I want to act, etc. It also gave me some bragging rights among my friends (see below) to be able to say I sorta have a callback and am not a complete loser--not that they think that, I know. But I will be whining inside a lot. If I don’t get in, I will be slightly bummed but since I didn’t expect to get in and wasn’t attached, ah well....and then I’ll be relieved because of the other stuff.


I got there before everyone else and the bar was filled with bro-types that reminded me way too much of my hometown. Jim was there with the family and said they’d gone to Santa Cruz on vacation and thought of me when they found the tie-dye DIY store. I’m glad he’s happy. (Redhead) Sarah was the only one who wrote me back about going tonight and she comes in late and the other regulars all got into the play so they should have rehearsal until 9ish anyway, so I was sending her distress texts to get the heck over there because there were too many bros. Even worse, Meghan Trainor Girl was in the bar again.

Fifteen minutes later, Scott comes into the bar and I’m all, don’t you have rehearsal? Apparently not tonight because they’re just doing the first scene and he’s not in that one. He looks over at Meghan Trainor Girl and is all, “Has she started coming to the bar regularly?” I said no, just last week. So yeah, he brought up that topic again, said he was too tired last week and then he was getting messaged about that and he repeated his response about it, which I said was a good one. I was thinking, “I would rather drink broken glass than discuss this topic again,” but it could not be stopped. At least this time he left it at “Hey, if she asks me to duet, I’ll do it, but I cannot deal with asking anyone out.”

To which I said nothing, but wanted to say, “Okay, fine, I’ll ask you out, I don’t care. I’ve done it before, I’d do it again. I’m just not doing it until I think you actually want to be asked out, which I don’t think you do as yet.” Unexpressed thoughts can be such a joy, but god knows I do not want to have open conversation on any of this myself directly either. We ain’t there yet and I can’t even imagine how that’d go. Anyway, we left that train wreck there. I think I said something about how I asked out that professor instead, for whatever reason and there was no point in bringing that up (sigh).

Annoyingly, I ended up going RIGHT after Meghan Trainor Girl in the rotation, which I was so unthrilled with and really also thwarted any “I’m gonna disappear for five minutes if anyone brings up fixing them up again while she sings” plans. God laughs when you game plan. Though I am happy to report that when everyone else (Sarah, Zach, Robert, Janene) showed up, nobody said a damn thing about the girl, so I’m guessing maybe Scott told Robert to not do that any more. I about choked when she went up to Pyrate for something around the time Scott was up, but nothing went on after that either.

I have nothing against Meghan Trainor Girl, mind you. She’s probably nice enough. I’m sure if she knew anything at all about this stupid situation she’d rather be excluded from this narrative herself, and lord knows he and I would say the same. She of course did “Dear Future Husband,” and then did a bomb-ass version of “You Oughta Know” that I wanted to go compliment her about but didn’t under the circumstances, and then later attempted the Beyonce/Jay-Z version of “Crazy In Love,” which.... well, she rocked the Beyonce bit but good god, who the hell could do the Jay-Z bit? It doesn’t flow, it doesn’t work, it’s hard. (Disclaimer: I’m not a Jay-Z fan anyway, and yes, I know Beyonce forgave him for cheating, but I still think he’s an idiot for doing that.)

He continues to be on the Queen kick, doing “Love Of My Life” (ex flashbacks going on again, one wonders?) earlier. After the “Crazy In Love” number, Meghan Trainor Girl left, thankfully, because he finished off his night by doing “Somebody To Love” again.. I normally like(d) the song but I feel like I’m gonna partly have the heebie-jeebies every time I hear it from now on. It’s been exactly a month since That Night happened exactly and here it is rearing its ugly head again. Make it stop, please.

Okay, it wasn’t as bad as a month ago. But still, this is shit I never, ever, ever want to discuss again. Can’t we just bury it out in the backyard and be done with it?

Moving on.... since I was going after Ms. Belter, I did some belting myself, for however good that goes with me. Really, can you do some slow love ballad after that girl? Nope. I have been obsessed with “Ghost” for the last few days and was pleased to find it in the catalog, so I did that one and got a high five from Scott for it. I then did “Overload” by Zappacosta (from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack) and afterwards thought it would have been better done by him and said so, but he hadn’t heard of it. And finally, I was looking through the “S” section of the catalog (I’m going through all the letters in reverse) and found “Sit On My Face,” and he and some others in the party hadn’t heard of that song and I was all, oh, I am going to have to do it. For the last song, after Ashley’s left the room, y’know? (She did “Royals” and was da bomb at it.) So I did it at the end of the night and Pyrate Matthew was delighted at the selection. Everyone else cracked the hell up, Scott in particular. He wanted to know what movie that was out of (“none, it’s off an album,” Robert and I said), and then I looked up the Wikipedia on it for him, which is pretty hilarious.

Mostly he and I just sat next to each other looking up songs, and whenever I found a weird one I’d be all, “wtf is THIS?” and show it to him. Any poor bastard in my vicinity gets this behavior, mind you, it’s just more fun to do it with him because either he HAS heard of it and knows about it or it’s both of us going “wtf?” at it.

I also mentioned--to Scott first and later to everyone else--that I might have a callback(?) tomorrow. We shall see on that one.

He and I were last to leave the bar again, but he ended up (a) giving some random dude a ride home and (b) driving all of Pyrate’s stuff back to his house because his car died.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry
hosted by