Chaos Attraction

An Entry Written By Other People

2007-08-29, 4:21 p.m.

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Last Thursday, Mom had some kind of "blackout" episode, during which she was very zoned out and barely responsive, according to Mauricio. That night, she was refusing to go to the ER or call the advice nurse and saying stuff like, "I don't know if I'll wake up tomorrow morning" and "I feel weird..." Oy. I had no idea what to say to her, and it's not like the Magical Fairy could come over and take care of her. Sorry, Mom, but you gotta suck it up and take care of yourself, dammit.

I strongly suspect she's just massively fatigued because she goes to bed at like 3 a.m. most nights and gets up by 6 and hardly lets herself get any catchup sleep on weekends and that caught up with her. But she did finally give in and go to the doctor the next day. Now she gets to get a CAT scan sometime. Fun.

The doctor she went to, after she cried in his office, promptly handed her a prescription for an antidepressant and got her booked with a (real) shrink by the end of next month and a depression group (same time).

I am hoping she sticks with all of the above. I guess we'll see if anything changes in 4-6 weeks.


I get tired of being the only Tigger in a land of normal people some days.


I am in a cranky-ass mood of late. Maybe I should just blame it on the eclipse, except as an astro-dork, I know better and that has nothing whatsoever to do with my chart.

Instead of outright whining, I think I'll just post a few links. Those will explain better.

So I'm older now and have been kicked around by life a few (hundred) too many times to let myself get my hopes way up about much of anything. Sure, I can be optimistic and all. Little hope is easy. Big hope is what I'm just too tired for. I don't do a lot of dreaming, or wanting of things. Not like when I was young and would always be wanting one thing or another soooooo baaaaad. Now all I really want is to pay my bills and eat chinee noodles now and again. The little things matter more now and the big things just take so much energy and hurt like a motherfucker when they don't pan out.
Not that this is necessarily an age thing, at all. It's just me. I'm not so good at dreaming anymore."

"Most of us are resistant to change and we tend to see our emotional dysfunction as part of who we are. It becomes more difficult to give them up as we evolve and progress, and we hold on harder and tighter to that dysfunction in an attempt to hold onto our old identity."

"God is neither a fairy godmother nor your bitch. For every prayer answered, for every spell that succeeds, a sacrifice must be made.

When I say "sacrifice," I don't mean to imply that there's a giant tote board in the sky keeping track of your deeds and wishes granted, or that the universe is a giant zero-sum game. I mean simply that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. If you want something new and wonderful in your life, room must be made for it. You have to work to clear the ground and prepare the soil; if it's full of roots and rocks, you're less likely to reap a good crop. If you want to be healthier, you can't just sit around filling yourself with white light and humping your crystals--you have to make real, practical changes in your real, practical life, the life you want transformed. Life doesn't just happen on the astral plane; neither does magic. Show the gods you're willing to make the sacrifice necessary, and willing to accept the consequences of the changes you have asked for. Life is like wearing a white shirt to an Italian restaurant. There will be deliciousness and satisfaction and succulence, but there will also be marinara on your shirt.

Of course, what that means is, be careful what you wish for. When it comes down to it, is your goal worth what you'll have to give up? Is it worth the time, the extra work? Is a new relationship worth breaking off an old one? Is a more fulfilling life worth moving, changing jobs, losing friends? Are you truly willing to let go of the old way and embrace the new? If you're not, you will not succeed. If your closet is full of baggage, don't expect the gods to hand you a new wardrobe.

We always have the option to walk away, to let life continue until it becomes utterly unbearable. Unfortunately what tends to happen is, if we don't walk into the sacrifice willingly when we have the opportunity, eventually things will get so horrible that we are forced out of our inertia into much more difficult choices."


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