The Last Year
2011-09-01, 1:37 p.m.
So, I went on a vision quest yesterday. I took half a vacation day and decided to go out in nature and do... SOMETHING to resolve this whole dilemma I have been whining about incessantly this month. I pretty much followed the instructions here, since I wasn't going to go off to a campsite in the boonies by myself or with a group or anything like that. But I decided to go somewhere I hadn't been before in my town, somewhere that's normally too far away for a wheel-less person to go to on a regular basis.
I picked out a local park on the far north side of town and decided to hike my way through the greenbelt area I hadn't been in before because I don't live that close to any of the local greenbelts. It was cute, I saw a bunch of random play parks and some dog sculptures, which turned out be designed by my old sculpture teacher.
Around 45 minutes later, I finally found the park, which looked like this. Finding an island in this place was kind of neat, but man, it was hot out there and not shady. And not much to do anyway since it's normally some kind of wildlife observation park and they close down the observation deck. I was just not feeling simpatico in the place, so I left pretty quickly, then wandered back to a park closer to my house and wondered what the hell to do next.
Now, while looking around on the local wiki for maps to get to this park, I'd seen a listing for a dominoes sculpture farther to the left on the north side, so I decided to go over there. And indeed, the dominoes are awesome.
By now I'd been hiking for about 2.5 hours and decided that around here was a good place to keel over and like, meditate or something, so I did so next to the dominoes over here. It was a good spot, because it was kind of like an island, mostly hidden by trees, and the inevitable joggers, dog walkers, and bikers that went through the area weren't likely to notice what you were doing or to interrupt it. (Note to vision questers, ADD folks, and those who don't like meditating: after 2.5 hours of hiking around, you will not have nearly the issue with sitting still and being mentally quiet that you normally do.) Hell, I'd already found where the sidewalk ends, after all.... I flopped over, stared up at the trees, relaxed...
And then realized that my favorite bracelet, which I lovingly handmade and attached a lot of irreplaceable significant objects to, was missing.
That's where I started crying out of sheer pissed off, because I had hiked the fuck all over town and dear god, I couldn't possibly retrace my steps THAT MUCH, especially at the part where I got lost. I eventually figured out while flashing back to all the times I checked my watch that I had probably lost it within the first 30 minutes of home, but when I went home I still didn't find it. I am just really upset at this. I didn't notice it falling off? Didn't hear it clunk to the ground (I didn't even have the headphones in)? Nothing? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's where this whole thing became a lot less fun and I wished I hadn't done it.
Anyway, after the crying was done, I sat around blank for awhile. I didn't really "have a vision" or anything like that. I eventually decided to move to LA because if I stay here, nothing will ever change. I am partly okay with that and partly not, but the not part won't shut up, so there you go. I give in to the idea out of sheer exhaustion, I think.
So, this is my official announcement to the three people reading this (if I say it in person or on more public online forums, people will roll their eyes and go "yeah, right," and I can't blame 'em.): this is my last year in this town. Due to the lease situation in this town, I'll have to decide in winter whether or not to renew and I will have to move out on August 31, so... now the clock is officially ticking. I can't do much about moving or getting a car or any of that stuff until 2012, so once that time comes I'll be shitting bricks like hell and panicking all over this journal... whee.
For those of you wondering what Mom'll think, I've been giving her heads-up hints for awhile (once of which made her go all, "well, if you're not moving back here I guess I could sell the house..." Huh? Well, you're not moving to Arizona to be with the ex now, are you?), but flat out said it last night. To which she was all, "why? There's no prospects for you there" (true, though there's not much of anything here either by now), then segued into whining about the ex-boyfriend, 'cause it's all about her.
Yeah, this is going to be fun. Especially since I have to see her this weekend.