Okay, all of you people out there. I�m talking to all of you who have been telling me I should tell my mother to fuck off. I�d like y�all to answer something for me- e-mail if you�d like, or snag me some other way, because I need to know: How the hell do I tell my mother to fuck off without feeling, forever, like the most evil heartless bitch on the planet?

The weekend was very lovely and er, steamy. Kind of a surprise, given what had gone on for him the week before and how relatives kept dropping by the house/calling wanting to know where everyone was, and Dave got stuck with having to tell them, and that he hasn�t heard diddly from his parents since they left and has no idea when they�ll return and no messasges were returned. Mainly we (Gabe, Teri and I) hung out at his place and watched movies a lot to distract him.

I nearly had a meltdown when I had to go home yesterday. Nobody there knows how close I was to it and how much I didn�t want to leave and go deal with Mommy again. I was thinking as we went to the station (a) how much I wanted to come back here next weekend, and (b) how if I was really nice and a good daughter who cared about her parents, I would force myself to go home next weekend (at LEAST) so I could make my mother happy. I felt so sick at the thought.

The following phone calls (she called twice, I nearly didn't pick up the second time and she freaked even more that I didn't want to talk to her) was word for word, the same old shit she gets into every time. Textbook, even.

1. "You NEVER told me you were going this weekend!" Every. Single. Time. I go, I hear this, it seems. Every time she bitches at me for forgetting to tell her, and whatever will she do if Something Happens and she can�t get ahold of me? Now I am admittedly the absentminded type, but I can�t ALWAYS be forgetting to tell her EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, can I? She claimed this weekend I told her I Was Not Going. Which I think is a big ol� fucked up lie, given the "pull rank" conversation we had last time. She HAD to have had a CLUE, at LEAST, that I was going to his place instead of home sweet home. I�m sorry, but this time I do not believe it.

2. Acting like she can�t possibly pick up the phone her own damn self if she really wanted to. "How can I get ahold of you if you�re not at home? You don�t always leave the cell on." Uh, I don�t always have reception wherever I go, so in those cases leaving the phone on is pointless. This is coming from the same woman who only turns on her phone when she wants to make a call, and NOBODY can ever reach her. And what, you can�t leave a message?

3. She apparently spent the entire weekend pissed off at me for not calling her earlier or e-mailing her to ask about Grandma, and not asking her IMMEDIATELY about Grandma when I called that night. Because if I�d called (see #2, �cause her fingers are broken), she could have ordered me to call Grandma on Grandparents Day (not a day we�ve ever paid attention to in this family before) because it�ll probably be her last one. The fact that (a) I never sent her a special e-mail of my own to ask about Grandma (Mom wrote me one instead without me having to ask, which said she was going home tomorrow), (b) didn�t spend the entire weekend worrying about her (like I can do anything), and (c) didn�t call every day to check, and (d) didn�t ask about her immediately, shows that I am a Big Selfish Bitch.

4. I cannot expect that Mom will tell me about anyone having problems- I MUST ask, REPEATEDLY, and drag it out of her, and if I don�t repeatedly nag her to tell me, then it shows I don�t care about them at all. She�s so pissed about the Grandma thing because Grandma told her neighbor that she�s "ready to go" except she doesn�t want to leave Grandpa. She doesn�t tell me stuff like this and then wonders why I didn�t sit around worrying all weekend like she did. Oh yeah, and she also indicated I was a shitty friend to Demma because I never tried to get her to talk about her mother. And that "wow, her mother�s death really screwed her up, didn�t it?" and how I should be paying more attention to them because of stuff like that.

5. She�s a big hypocrite. You see how much she bitches and whines and complains about me not calling her. She said I "hardly EVER" call her. She bitched at great length about how I�d rather call ANY of my friends than her, then complained about me calling Demma because I mentioned to her once that I did. I called her ONCE this month. Returning her call, for about 20 minutes. Uh-huh. So where am I going with this hypocrite thing? I mentioned to her that Dave was worried they hadn�t called him, and she said "Well, they must be responsible people, he shouldn�t expect them to call him." If I ever gave her that line about myself she�d probably have a heart attack. Especially if dead people were involved. Oh yeah, and she told me his parents didn�t care about him because they are not thoughtful. (I really shouldn�t have mentioned this one to Dave afterwards, he was pissed off)

6. "Your family is more important than Dave�s. Why do you have to go and comfort him? You wouldn�t do the same for us in the same situation."

7. I am not a thoughtful person. I do not care about anyone else other than myself, and a little about Dave, and that is IT. I never make "just to say hi" calls, I hardly ever call at all, I don�t send nice cards, I don�t take just a little time out of my day to make anyone else feel better, I don�t do any of it and I just don�t care. I am a selfish bitch. And I wasn�t raised this way, so why do I act like that?

8. I just kept agreeing with her. "Yes, I�m a selfish bitch. Yes, I don�t care about you or anyone other than me. Not even Dave. I just don�t care." Really, what else can I say to someone who defines caring under completely different terms than I do, and thinks that my methods of showing caring are worthless compared to hers? By her definition, I am the most selfish bitch on the planet. Thing is, I�m not just saying that to tick her off, I actually believe I am an evil selfish bitch. My agreeing with her only pissed her off more, and she said she wanted to hear me apologize for my bad behavior and promise to change instead of just accepting that I�m an asshole. I can�t come up for any explanation as to why I don�t want to change my wicked ways.

9. I stupidly made an attempt to explain to her (nicely) why I didn�t feel like cuddling myself in the bosom of my beloved family these days. As usual, it went RIGHT over her head. Not a lick of it sunk in or was listened to. Everything is my fault, none of this has anything to do with her. She wanted me to explain it to her better, and I couldn�t. Not that it would have done any good, I think. Oh yeah, and there was a Supreme Moment of Irony when she made a sincere remark about me being "honest" with her.

10. I�ve said it before, and I�ll say it again: How the HELL am I supposed to tell her I�m engaged? She�s ragingly pissed at Dave for taking me away- well, she�s trying not to sound ragingly pissed, but she keeps going on about "Is he really that needy? Can�t he stand on his own two feet?" Sure, he'll follow your sterling example.

Honestly, she reminds me of a certain friend of mine, who I may have mentioned in this context before, but I am way too not-in-the-mood to go look it up and check if I have. Anyway, one night we were all sitting around at her place watching a movie, and when it was done, her boyfriend headed off to the computer. This was pretty much totally out of character for her, as she was usually the mellow, rational sort, but she started throwing things at him and screeching "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEE!"

That�s my momma.

I cried for oh, over an hour at least after that phone call. Dave now wants to throttle my mother, or at the very least scream at her the real truth as to why I don�t want to go home. "BECAUSE NOBODY HERE MAKES HER FEEL LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME, THAT�S WHY!" Oh yeah, and he said he wants me to make the next weekend phone call while I�m still at his house so he can jump in if she starts in again. (Great idea.) Unfortunately he has her number in his cell phone because I used his phone to call her once, and I fear at some point he may get REALLY ticked and decide to make a phone call of his own. Especially since he probably felt like he was trying to talk me off of a ledge or something, between the sobbing and the "You know, I really AM a selfish bitch, I think I should warn you about that, because you�ll probably get fed up with me too," kind of talk. I feel like shit for getting him into this situation. Yeah, who wants a fiancee who can�t even tell her mother what�s going on so you can move on with your lives. And a mother-in-law who you want to throttle without even meeting her yet. And I just feel like a general asshole. Which I am. I really, really am.

I wish I could just bite the bullet and go visit her more often. I wish I could want to talk to her every single day like she wishes and make her happy and stop the madness. And yet, I can�t bloody bring myself to and I don�t know WHY.

I know she�s out of line, but her life also sucks to hell, she has no one else, and certainly isn�t going to find anyone else any time soon (or ever, probably). I know people tell me it�s not my responsibility to make her happy- but I FEEL like it is, and I honestly don�t see how it could possibly not be my responsibility. How am I NOT supposed to feel that way, folks? If you knew someone you loved was miserable, and you and only you were the only one who could fix that, wouldn�t you feel horrible if for whatever reason you didn�t want to do it? How am I supposed to go "Fuck you, I don�t care if you�re miserable any more, I�m going to do what I want to and I DON�T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE CRAP!"?

Folks, I want to know how you did it. How the hell did you tell your parents to go to hell? How did you stand living with yourself afterwards? Did you feel guilty? Did you feel righteous? What happened? Did you end up feeling any better? Honestly, I feel like shit for even having the nasty thoughts I�ve been having about her, and I don�t think I�m going to feel any better if I do tell her to go to hell. Then I�d feel like the worst evil selfish bitch of them all.

My friend Jackie e-mailed me today to tell me that over the weekend she�d gone to the hospital and they found a bleeding ulcer, and she�s having panic attacks. All because of her crappy job. She�s been looking for other jobs, but of course (given the el-shitto economy) nothing has panned out. Of course, I read that this was caused by her job and immediately thought "But what the hell is she supposed to do? She hasn�t found another job yet, and she can�t just quit and then be out of work for god knows how long just because of stress. She�ll just have to deal with it until a miracle occurs and she finds something else." That�s how I always do it, anyway. Push on through. Then I started worrying. I had that slight little 2-day cold thing last week, and the flu and pneumonia this year. Oh god, what if this shit is starting to physically affect me? It never has before, but I do NOT want a bleeding ulcer and a tube shoved up my ass, either.

I don�t know any more, folks. I don�t know how the hell other people do it. And yet it seems that I�m being forced to be as mean and hurtful to my mom as I possibly can. Oh joy.

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