Chaos Attraction

What Pam Said, Part Two

2012-09-20, 3:51 p.m.


We had another relative come visit today: Paul and his girlfriend Heather. I hadn't met him before. He seems nice enough, still good looking for whatever his age is (40's, I assume). He and his girlfriend are obviously still schmoopy after 2 years, which is saying something. Heather was very nice and chatty and fit right in. She's a grandmother-boy, would you not guess that.

They talked about how his brother used to live with him until he ran off, in trouble and in debt. His brother has only talked to him once since, when they tracked him down at his work. Then the brother and his wife flaked out on meeting them again and won't return their phone calls. Everyone kept being all, “Isn't that sad?” and “We should work on getting them back together.” I thought that he kinda sounds like a jerk and like he doesn't care about family togetherness, so why bother? Mom has been going on about how Kristen should meet this cousin and his wife (they live near her now), but Kristen didn't want to because John's wife is a Republican working for the Romney campaign. Mom was sooooo offended at Kristen's bigotry. I tried to explain that Kristen probably assumes that the wife is a bigot. But hey-sounds like they wouldn't bother to meet her either, so no worries!

Funny stuff from Paul:
• His bank card was stolen and the thief bought a Scottish hooker. SCOTTISH hooker? That's new.
• He got sent a picture of someone who lost a toe. The guy got a tattoo on his foot saying, “Gone to Market.”

And now, some more Pam quotes!

• “I am a character. I have no talents or skills, God put me on this earth to make people laugh. We're going to need it, the way the world's going.”
• Her dad called one day to say, “Guess what I did today? I put pantyhose on your mother. Whatever mental image you have of that, it was worse. I don't know how you wear those things.”
• “Now, that's blzarre to have to give your boss a sponge bath.” --her female boss broke both wrists.
• After Pam said something to someone else about what would she do if she broke both wrists, the friend said, “Well, I'd wipe your butt. And then tell everyone about it.”
• “What are you writing?”
• Me: “Trip journal.”
• “Are you going to put it on the Internet?”
• “Yes.”
• “Oh well, I don't read the Internet anyway.”
* Aunt Diddy said, “If you've got it, flaunt it, honey.”
• She told a story about how when her dad was dying, he got a card from “your Wednesday afternoon ladies.” Oh really? Is there a set of Thursday afternoon ladies? Friday? (Her father was a minister.) She also mentioned some lady who tried stroking his leg in the hospital.
• While pledging a sorority, she got forced by the sorority to be in beauty pageants. As in, they entered her in one and told her the night before. She had to put her measurements on a card and her mother looked over at it and said, “Little bit of fudging going on there, isn't there?” During the pageant, she was first up and they read her measurements aloud, and then someone told the announcer that they weren't going to do that any more. “Oh, sure, you read MY measurements...” She ended up being Miss Tobacco Princess “because my figure was the most like a cigarette.” After much hazing torture, she finally got into the sorority-including being faked out into thinking she didn't get in. Oh yeah, and the girl that won Tobacco Queen? “I thought, SLUT!”
• The movie “We Are Marshall” was filmed on the Marshall campus, where Pam worked at the time. She said her coworkers didn't work much because they'd run out with cameras when the actors were around. Matthew Fox wasn't around much because he was mostly in Hawaii, but Matthew McConaghey wandered around with his dog, chatting a lot. Pam was in a crowd scene. The movie went over there well because they didn't make West Virginians look stupid.
The movie “Super 8” was filmed in this town.

Special subsection: Time for some biting stories!
** Do not steal food (bacon) off Pam's photo, for she will stab you in the hand with a fork. Her son learned that the hard way. Luckily, she didn't draw blood.
** When Jeff bit his mom as a kid, she bit back. Taught him to stop...
** Growing up, they had a bitey dog named Sugar. When Sugar wanted people to stop petting her, she'd growl, but nobody would stop until Sugar resorted to biting. But Linda was Susan's favorite, so Sugar wouldn’t bite her-- after getting too much attention from Linda, Sugar would go bite Pam. Linda would just laugh and watch Pam get attacked. (I was all, “Shouldn’t that dog have been put to sleep?”
** After dinner, Aunt Babs wanted a piece of Pam’s candy and I said, “Oh, go ahead, Pam doesn’t have a fork right now.”

* “I played Sorry with them, and boy, was I sorry, I said I’d never play a board game with them again.”
* “I had pictures of hot men up all around the office until they made me take them down.” Mom then shared that the “Not all men are created equal” hot dude poster in the ladies’ room at work got moved into the closet. Then Pam said that her coworkers taped a picture of Tom Selleck to her chair and she sat on it for 3 days before noticing.
* When her son was into wrestling, Pam claimed one time to have seen Hulk Hogan. He was all excited about it until Pam finished with, “...on television.” Later, she saw him for real when he lived by friends of hers. He was huge and scary. She took pictures (from a distance) and tried to show them to Jeff...” that little head, here was Hulk’s head on the water...” Jeff didn’t buy it.
* The one time someone she knew tried to get Michael Landon’s autograph, Landon refused. Pam thought he was an ass. The lady who played Elly Mae Clampett, however, was learning people’s names and being nice.
* I told her about spotting Justin Bieber toothbrushes in Rite-Aid (and in the SkyMall catalog) and she started singing, “Baby,” while brushing her teeth. I showed her the pic of this and she was all, “You two take pictures of EVERYTHING.” Yup.

With regards to going to KFC for dinner...
Pam: “You’ve never eaten a chicken wing?”
Aunt Babs: “No, where do you get them?”

On animals:
* “I’m the middle child! We don’t GET pets!!!” --after listing all of the pets that Linda had, even though she gave a bunny she won to her sister. In college she got gifted with a fish, which was her first pet and she loved it. Then while cleaning the tank, she accidentally lost the fish down the drain. Pam was miserable for 3 days. Her roommate was all, “For chrissake, it was a FISH! You got it as a PARTY FAVOR. Fraternity boys swallow them at parties!”
* Pam got a pet chick next. She brought the chicken home and Linda was all, “Let me show you what I can do!,” grabbed the chicken, and ran into the kitchen. I was all, “She didn’t kill it, did she?” Then she BOWLED with the chicken across the room. The chicken loved it.

Breaking news: Pam was supposed to be spending the weekend visiting her son and the grandkids in Ohio. Jeff just called and said that everyone there has bronchitis, so Pam can’t visit. Sad for her, but we get to keep her longer, so bonus here (and for this journal).

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