Chaos Attraction


2018-09-25, 7:17 p.m.

Well, High Horse is continuing to be his fucking peachy self this week. I have headphones on all day long and I am trying not to hear them, but sadly, some of the sharks' blabber still gets through them. Anyway, last week we were supposed to talk about our Strengths Finder strengths at the staff meeting. High Horse straight up said he wasn't going to talk about that and instead wanted to reiterate that he has very high standards and isn't going to do anything to compromise those standards to please anyone ever.

This makes me think things like (a) it was an assignment from the bigboss and you're pulling this shit? In public? and (b) GEE, I WONDER WHAT MESSAGE YOU ARE TRYING TO SEND ABOUT SOMETHING. I guess he hasn't learned that if you work here, you'd better do that. BigBoss said nothing to this at the time but I dearly hope she said something to my boss about his 'tude privately, because if she's gonna nitpick me when someone mops...But yeah right, probably not. Some people get away with whatever fucking shit they want to, somehow. Moral of the 2016+ era, ain't it.

Anyway, he was bragging about that today, and then he proceeded to bitch quite a lot about how the BigBoss said that the younger assistants here don't feel welcome and how the entire staff just defended themselves and blew it off. I don't know what to say about that one specifically, other than (a) yeah, lots of people, myself included, aren't welcome here these days because this place is no longer as friendly as it once was before everything went batshit 24-7, (b) most of the staff doesn't even get to talk to the assistants unless they work in that specific area with them, and most of the assistants work in the worst area of the office where everything is constantly on fire, and (c) frankly, everyone is so crazy swamped that even those of us who do work with them (at this point I sorta do but not that much with everyone that isn't my assistant) don't even get the time to hang out and chat any more like we used to. Not that High Horse, who has nothing to do with the younger assistants except he might say hi to ours once in a while, would know anything about this.

Also, excuse me? You make me feel unwelcome every single fucking day and suddenly you care so much about the poor assistants?!?!?!

I'm just saying: if you're gonna live by the sword, die by the sword. If you want to nitpick everyone else, you'd better be goddamned perfect at what you are bitching them out for. You better know all their names, be their best friend and bring cakes for their birthdays. Oh, wait...

Also, remember how a certain someone hates when I do things like oh, eat popcorn or eat anything or make any kind of noise at all? Well, she is totally cool and froody with High Horse hand grinding coffee in our office. You're so sensitive to noises but THAT is fine? Yeah, proves what I always suspected: everyone else in the shark tank could be doing the fucking Ziggy Piggy chant and she'd be cool with it but God forbid if I make any kind of noise.


In other news, we had another office party today. No silent disco, but they did have singing, dancing, and poetry. I had a good time and was on the party planning committee, so that meant I got an extra hour out of the office for that. Meanwhile, the sharks did the same thing they do about every party: show up late, stand there and glare for 20 minutes and then leave. Why bother? Just stay at your desks and don't come, for fuck's sake. It's not like anyone cares if you show up to the parties here (they really don't, especially since they didn't close the office to let everyone attend this one--it's for the retiring SuperBigBoss above BigBoss, who is a far nicer human being). But hey, I got to hang out with nice people that like me, so fuck y'all.

In even more news, and really what I probably should have started with today, after I seethed to my shrink about High Horse's neighing and talked about my back issues last week, she had a new theory: that this town has turned against me and is trying to get me to leave. That it's obviously time to leave.

Well, no shit, I said, I've been sick of a lot of this place (mostly job but a lot of other things are starting to get to me). But I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I'm blocked about getting jobs because I don't qualify for anything any more, I don't have a goal or dream for what to do for another boring day job, don't wanna have my own business. I'd like to leave but can't afford to move to the locations I'd like and doubt I could get a job long-distance anyway. My shrink suggested just moving anywhere else in this end of the state and man, I just don't care about any of those places. I like visiting but there's nowhere I want to live all the time. I like Grass Valley/Nevada City but can't deal with the snow, Santa Cruz is hella expensive and having a rental crisis, I don't want to go back to the Bay Area, don't want to live out in redneck areas, I just don't give a shit about any of the options to want to give up what I've got for them. It's about the same level of excitement I have about applying for a job with the state: it's really hard to do, I'd lose my built up benefits, and everyone there sounds as miserable as everyone here, so why bother to do all that work and lose what I do like for more of the same?

Ouroboros issues chasing their tail over and over again. I still don't think I'm at the point where it hurts more to not change than it does to change, really.

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