Chaos Attraction

I Want Out.

2005-09-26, 3:20 p.m.

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I was reading the obituary for a CC instructor the other day (the one featured in this article). I knew the guy, but not well, but his life blew me away. Dude didn't have a regular job. He made enough money over the summer selling tie-dye to live off of- AND to go traveling around the world all the time.

I was all, "That's a fantasy life! Nobody really DOES THAT!"

And yet, this guy did.

I don't know how.

I fear that the Saturn Return is really starting to bite me in the ass.

I had a great time in the O.C. Didn't really do the tourist-type stuff, just hung out and shopped and went to the beach and whatnot. It was more like what it was like to live there rather than what it was like to tour there. It was laid back and beautiful and there were palm trees and mellow weather everywhere. And best of all, it wasn't here. And I wasn't the usual me.

Mom and I went to the California Pizza Kitchen in Walnut Creek on the way home from the hospital yesterday (Jess, this one actually had GOOD food. Surprise), and it was staffed by a bunch of young, kinda hot guys wearing all black dress-up clothes. I don't know what it is about guys wearing black buttondown shirts and pants, but it makes me hot. Anyway, I was checking them out when it occurred to me that FUCK! I couldn't date any of them were I given the opportunity, because I'm me and my life sucks and I can't bring someone else into it.

Look, it's SadDarkPainGirl, back again! It's like she never left, the fucking bitch.

I was not happy to return to the crappiness of Northern California, to see the nasty-ass brown hills from the plane. Driving back on the freeway, I kept reading signs like they were signs from southern California. Silicon Valley became Irvine Valley, Woodland became Disneyland, etc. But other than that little mental abberation, it was like I'd never left. Nothing was different. Everything was so fucking familiar and the same. Even my apartment, which was SUPPOSED to have been getting repairs while I was out, didn't get touched. The only different thing there was the money Heather left me for the PG&E bill.

I've lived in this end of the state all of my life. I've always wanted to go live in the other end of the state all of my life. But I never thought I could do that, unless I married for money. Not to mention the whole non-car-driving issue.

But Jess and Mike were all, "Hey, the bus system is great, and you could work at UCI, and they pay more, and the PG&E bills here are small, and the weather's like this all year round..." and suddenly, the idea seemed a little more plausible to me.

What do I have keeping me here besides the Dad dying situation any more? Almost all of my friends have moved away. I'm not exactly getting an influx of new, especially since I'm kind of at an awkward age for this town, and anyone cool I meet ends up moving in a year. I hate to say it because I like the situation otherwise, but I'm bored at work. *sigh* The only things that interest me here any more are the gym and the CC, and if I moved, the only thing irreplaceable would be the CC. This place is affordable and I can live here without a car, but my apartment is stressing me out, and moving to another one in town would probably not be much (if any) of an improvement. I know of no one here who thinks their apartment management is good. And the weather here is getting crappier (did I mention there's THUNDERSTORMS today? In the land where it normally doesn't rain until Halloween? WTF?), and I am not looking forward to another drenching local winter through which I slog around in the streets.

At least in the O.C. I'd have a friend, and it'd be different than here.

Not that I have any clue HOW to move, mind you. Plus I can't until after Dad dies anyway, and who the fuck knows when that will happen, so for now any real discussion of moving is pointless.

But after he dies... I think I want out of here.

That's a HELL of a thing for a Taurus to say, folks. We like safety. (Hell, my mom said she married my dad and stayed in the same town for almost all of her life because it was safe.) We don't like throwing sticks of dynamite into our lives. And yet here I am, considering upsetting the apple cart.

YIKES. Scares the crap out of me to even think it.

But... I'm so fucking tired of here. And if I don't blow things up, I may just be here in the same place, still single, still mostly local-friendless, with nothing changing, for... a long time.

I don't think I want that to happen...I just (a) have to wait on that, and (b) don't know how to put that sort of thing into motion once I can leave anyway. There are things I've always wanted to do, I just don't know HOW one gets there. I can't even figure out step one on that path.


As usual, I'm frustrated, can't do anything to fix that frustration, and am too stupid to be able to figure it out even if circumstances changed anyway.


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