Chaos Attraction

30 Days Of Truth: Letting Go

2010-10-06, 3:05 p.m.

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30 Days Of Truth Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didnt know.

I think I'm going to answer this one with "my relatives."

Y'all know by now that my relatives aren't so much into me. Three of them are active jerks, and that side of the family has pretty much dropped me anyway. No big loss, really. Actually I do like evreybody else, but you can't see them without the bad eggs, who come as a package deal for the most part. I haven't seen any of them in a couple of years one way or the other. As for the other side, they're... into their own thing, I guess. I used to be close with the kids back in the day, but everyone grew up and that went away, and now it's all kind of cordially distant. I hear Mom constantly bitch that she can't get enough love from her sister, and it gets old. Either way, on both sides I've come to realize that we are just "not their kind, dear." Not the sort of people that they'd choose to associate with. On Mom's side, they're "stuck" with us because we're family, but we're definitely second or third tier on the invite list. As for Dad's side, we don't count any longer. Not even me, who is technically by blood (and that blood is ooooooh so important) related to those people.

I've always suspected that they all "smell the weird" on me somehow, like they know there's something off about me but could never put their fingers on it. I have kept a lid on myself for a long time around those folks. I sat in the corner, I didn't talk much, I broke out the knitting or the laptop or a book and did something else. I don't talk much about my life or my friends (not that anyone cares overmuch), I sure as hell don't talk about religion, and... well, I try to stay on everyone's good side. Come off bland enough as to not offend by my existence. I try to keep my personality and weirdness in the closet.

How well has that worked? Well, so far nobody's been actively offended by me, but I'm not exactly being embraced with open arms a whole lot more either. I haven't made enemies. Okay, so with the pains in the ass that means that they have more of a passive hate-on for me rather than an active hate-on, but that's not bad for them.

But really, why do I make these people a priority at all? Because the'yre FAAAAAMILY. And FAAAAAMILY is supposed to be the only people on the planet who are stuck with you for life. They "can't" leave (theoretically), they have to be on your side. Friends will lave you, guys will leave you, but blood is forever.

Is that actually true? In practice, is it? I got brought up to believe this, but it's never paid off in practice. My parents and I were off on our own island, and periodically someone rolled out a collapsible bridge to it on certain holidays and if someone got married or graduated. Would we be missed if we moved to Europe and never returned? Eh... not really.

So why do I bother to prioritize them? Why do I still bother to make people gifts at Christmas? (Guilt, honestly, but I still haven't figured out a way around that one.) Why do I keep myself hidden in order to appeal to people who don't like me overmuch from what they've seen of me and would only dislike me more if I showed my true weird personality? It's part of the (many) reasons why the fame thing freaks me out: they're going to hear what I'm really like and OMG I'll never hear the end of it. Or get disowned or .... something?

But really, should I care? Should I let trying to get the approval of people who just aren't that into me stop me from stuff?

Probably not.


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