Okay, I'm doing slightly better today. But not that much. I am trying to distract myself, but this is hard to do for most of the day. I am also quite zonked now because as usual when I'm freaked out, I didn't sleep. (So much for the Pepsi I've been drinking.)

Anyway. Since I can't say what I really want to say, I think we'll just go into a rant instead.

I seem to be better at some kinds of communication than others. Writingwise, I'm great, I'm golden usually. Give me a bit of time to reflect on what I'm saying, stare at it a bit, and it comes out well. But having to actually SPEAK to others? Bleah. No wonder when I date it all goes crapola. If I have to talk about something really important, I fumble around, I repeat myself a billion times, I completely lose my train of thought.

That's bad enough. But at least that doesn't happen all that often except with people I'm really close to and having problems with, or if I'm trying to take yet another foreign language. And on the latter, I finally learned my lesson and gave up.

The new development this week, however, is that several people have been getting on me for coming off as mean, snotty, standoffish, like I don't care, you name the negative adjective, I've gotten it, it seems. Some were trying to be nice about it, but some were NOT. And... I just have NO idea where this comes from. I am baffled. Usually folks tell me I look sweet and innocent (hence the name) and act like that. I have no idea now how my voice sounds so snippy and bitchy -- and here's the kicker, kids -- when I do not mean to be in the slightest. Apparently, even when I think I am being friendly, (presumably even if I'm having a goofy laughing conversation!?) I sound mean and snotty and hard-edged. Apparently I shoul be taking a Bully Broad course to soften up and be more of a girl. Or something. Of all the people in the world, nonassertive ME is too hard?

But what's even more frustrating than THAT is that nobody can exactly tell me how I project meanness and hardnoseness, OR how I should stop it. Which is incredibly helpful. Especially when you find out that I've been snotty bitchy talker girl for years and nobody ever told me it was THAT severely bad.

Really, those acting classes I took? Waste of time. Not only can I not project the emotion I'm going for, I project nasty emotions all day long without my knowledge or trying to.

I suspect I really should work on that whole becoming a hermit thing like I used to do. Really, my best interactions are when my throat isn't coming into play.

In other non-news (but hey, ANYTHING's cheerier, right?), I may be getting the LONG-awaited larger TV and chest of drawers from my aunt. They've been dallying around on this one for ages and ages, but now it's "we're coming up Thursday! Or not!" Um, whatever? Someone let me know something?

And Amazon shipped the various birthday presents I ordered last month today! Hooray! Looks like they'll get here in the nick of time before Thanksgiving. (Note to self: buy wrapping paper.)

Workwise, I am searching for unusual, hopefully funny or thought-provoking albums that AREN'T just the traditional Christmas songs we hear constantly in the mall for a review. So far, I have maybe 2-3. The tricky parts are (a) most of the good albums are the work of Bob Rivers, and should I really be reviewing 2-3 of his albums? and (b) the new one I bought the other day is Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics, and while there's a few good songs on it, it's QUITE disgusting at the start, and do I really want to review THAT? It's also the one album I've found in town with Hanukkah stuff on it, so it has that in its favor. Oy vey.

The other review I want to do is of explanatory holiday books, and I found a couple today that might work. I just need to go around and bite the bullet and BUY all these things. Oy vey again, my wallet.

The gathering page and links.

While I'm trying to cheer myself up here, let's do a few more silly random facts:

* Haven't done the NaNoWriMo novel at all today or yesterday. I think I'll just make a big push this weekend, since I have no plans or furniture-pushing relatives to deal with. Nobody else is working on it either :P

* Am more into The Fiery Cross, which is starting to get some plot beyond "hey, Brianna and Roger want to get laid, but she doesn't want to get pregnant and die, and in the meantime people get operated on." As for the Star Wars, some teentsy progression in the plot, but still dull.

* My roommate was going to make me see Shallow Hal today, but then canceled. I am relieved, since I don't want to see it. I agreed because (a) she's been psyched to see it for a month, I have no idea why, and (b) I made her see Miss Congeniality (I liked it, she didn't, nuff said).

* Most of my CD's are either mixes or soundtracks. I don't much like albums by all one artist, since a good fraction of them have 1-2 good songs and the rest stink. I never get around to selling them back used, either.

* Number of teddy bears in the room right now: 5. Number of rabbits: 2. I'm mature like that.

*Currently wearing: Sweatpants and a sweatshirt that says "When the going gets tough, Big Dogs go shopping!" This is pretty much my life motto (see the whole review thing, above).

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