(All of today's italicized quotes are from The Conscious Bride, by Sheryl Nissinen.)

"The engagement marks the beginning of a woman's moving away from her identity as a single woman and her primary allegiance to her family and moving towards the identity of a wife and the new union with her husband. Ultimately, to solidify this bond with her groom, she must begin to sever tise with those who helped form and mold her as a young woman."

I feel like crap. Was on the phone with Dave till at least 12:30, when I was already getting a headache. Two out of the three medications I've just been put on have headaches as a side effect, but I think it's the nose spray that does it, as I get a headache pretty quickly after I've snorted the shit up my nose. Fortunately, the third medication I'm on (ibuprofen) usually takes care of that. Sadly, it ain't working today. I didn't sleep much at all last night, which really doesn't help headaches (they will go away if I get a full 8 hours, period...), I remember waking up at 5 a.m. still miserable. Or maybe I just didn't sleep, I don't know, I can't even tell. Don't feel rested. Pretty exhausted. I brought along soda today so I can chug some caffeine. The two Advil I took this morning didn't help.

"The process of moving into the identity of wife begins with the proposal. It is at that moment, when a woman responds affirmatively, that she becomes linked to another in a way that previously existed only with friends and family."

I feel godawful about this. Absolutely godawful. I'm amazed my hair didn't decide to fall out even more this morning when I had to brush it, I feel that bad. This is taking a physical toll.

"During the engagement you may feel pulled between your mother and your fiance. Explore how this pattern is playing itself out in your life. How does your mother feel about your fiance? Have you been pulled to return to your mother's house at any point in the engagement?"

I finished last night's entry while I was still talking to him on the phone ("What do you keep typing? You're sure saying a lot in chat..."), but there's more, since the conversation didn't bloody end. I found out, for example, that Dave's family is going to get on him big time if he's not with me or I'm not with him. I feel really good putting him into the position of having to explain to everyone that he's not with me because my mother can't stand to give me up, and they don't want him around my family.

"Perhaps of all the separations that occur during this transition, the one between mother and daughter is the most difficult... And if a woman is particularly close to her mother, she may need to keep reminding herself that this is a time of separation if she is to remove herself from her mother's strong embrace. For many women, the wedding may be the first time in their lives that they have been called to separate from their mother."

I am downright ashamed and embarrassed of mine for not wanting to invite him in in the slightest. "Oh, it's nothing against you, we just don't let anyone else in, and we don't want them to know that you want to marry our child." Hell, I'd be feeling personally offended if it was me. There's just no way in hell to sugarcoat that one. I just want to die of shame for that. My family is just plain nasty. They're not normal. I don't even know how my aunt (the one having people over) would feel about the idea for sure, I just know Mom "doesn't want to share."

"I wouldn't let him call anybody to tell them we were engaged because I had to absorb it. I just couldn't believe it...Soon I realized that yes, this was something I had wanted but now that it was happening I was fighting it."

Though in all honesty, I can't say I'm jumping up and down to spend it with his family, especially after finding out that a Christmas can't go by without someone throwing a punch or two! Every year! The hell? "Oh, it's nothing," he says. Oh lord. I tried to explain why I'm scared at the idea of going- being somewhere strange that I know I'm not supposed to be at, having to sit there forlornly watching everyone else open presents on Christmas when I don't belong and don't even have anything to open myself because I'm a stranger and feel completely wrong and Not Supposed To Be There. Sorry, I'm still not thrilled at all about that. I know I'll be stuck with it someday, but that doesn't mean I'm rabidly willing to jump in ASAP either.

"The bride simultaneously longs for this dependent state and feels herself being pushed to grow beyond it. Needless to say, we do not often leave this state voluntarily, but just as babies are forced from their mother's womb at birth, adults are also shaken from the solidity of familiar ground when called to move into the next stage of growth. A woman cannot enter into a new identity and partnership if she is still clinging to old familiar ways."

Dave got all upset that I wouldn't even consider his alternate idea of having M&D and him all come to me for one day of Christmas or something. Again, I suspect Madame Doesn't Share would have a problem with that. He wants some sort of compromise. She doesn't. What more can I say? I don't think I'm gonna win through with a compromise that makes at least some people happy here.

"As the bride leaves her single life behind, she also loosens the strands that bind her to her mother. Of course, the crossing from daughter to wife does not mean that one ceases to be a daughter, but the importance of the daughter identity is diminished. A woman's age, the geographic distance between her and her mother, and the intensity of the particular mother-daughter relationship all help determine how difficult this separation will be."

I don't think it's worth all the hell and fighting I am going to get to go through for this. Me, all by myself, suffering the consequences and going to battle. He may want to jump into the fray for me, but when it all comes down, the hell is 100% on me. All this fighting to go to an event that I'm not really wanting to go to, which will royally hurt and tick my parents off (what goes for Mom goes for Dad, even more so), and I'll be hearing about how I didn't choose them for fucking ever. I just keep thinking, can't he see that this kind of a fight isn't worth it? Hell, he's gonna win in the future all the time, why can't he let it go this year? Why is it that bloody important RIGHT NOW?

"Instead of letting go, we hold on for dear life- to each decision, to our relationships as we have always known them, and to our identities as maiden and daughter."

He got REALLY offended when I said he deserved somebody better, somebody who was willing to fight for him, and yelled at me to never say that again. But the thing is, it's true. I can't fight, and I certainly can't fight well. I can't withstand whatever it takes to get my way, unlike every other incredibly stubborn person I know. Compared to them, I'm a wilting plant. When everyone else around you is incredibly beyond stubborn, someone has to give in. I'd be putting myself through hell and I still won't win. I can't see how I could. I know what my mother is doing is "wrong" and I shouldn't feel bad at all about telling her to fuck off, I'm going elsewhere. But I do. I can't say I wouldn't feel similarly if I was in her situation- I just wouldn't outright say no the way she did. Plus, they're still 1950's parents.

"During the engagement a woman may feel, like Persephone, pulled between her mother and her fiance. Suddenly, on the brink of a life-changing event, the beloved's arms may feel like Hades' underworld, a bit unknown, while the mother's arms feel familiar and comforting. Throughout her engagement she may feel as if she is teetering between comfort and mystery, old and new, mother and husband, daughter and wife."

I don't think I even want to go to his place next weekend and go deal with all of his relatives asking what's going on. (Dave hasn't told them.) I don't want to talk to anyone's family right now. Hell, I had to call Grandma on Sunday and I refused to tell her anything about my love life. I just want to hide under the bed and have a threesome this Christmas with Mr. Jack Daniels and Mr. Jose Cuervo. Because I am sure as hell guaranteed to be absolutely goddamn miserable this holiday season, and if I go anywhere else I won't even be able to get drunk about it. Hell, I'm ready to get drunk about it right now. Oh, did I mention he brought up the idea of coming here this weekend to go see my parents and talk to them in person about this? Oh god. I vaguely think they're not supposed to be home this weekend but can't remember why- then again, this could be wishful thinking. I haven't even told Mom about Dave's very obvious displeasure at this news yet.

"This is when my umbilical cord is being cut and I don't want it! I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my family. I feel so sad for my poor little parents! And my poor grandma. My husband is ripping me away! I know that's not true, but that's how it feels. I feel ripped from my family. Going to the cabin like we've always done feels so safe and warm; Europe feels so cold and far away. This feels so painful."

People keep asking me, what do I want? I should just do what I want, since I'm gonna make most everyone miserable anyway. But what I want is to not be pulled in two. To NOT have to fight. To NOT have to hurt the hell out of someone's feelings by not choosing them. Dave said "okay, pick what you want when that isn't an option you can have." In that case, I don't want to pick. I care way too much about other people's feelings to pick.

"It is hard to grow up, to feel the ties so strongly and to know you are in the process of severing them on some deep, irreversible level."

He said last night that if I really can't take this, I can just go with Mom and he'll just somehow have to deal with it, I just have to tell him that. I want to tell him to lay off. No, I want him to say "Okay, fine, I'll deal with it, I won't be absolutely miserable and have Christmas ruined because you're not there, it'll be okay." Except I know that he'll be moping around miserable without me, so I'm not getting that. Likewise, so will Mom- I can't even imagine her ever being okay and not devastated. And while I really want to tell him "Just lay off of me, it's not going to happen this year, I can't take dealing with this, please please stop," how can I? It's not in the slightest bit fair to him to dump on him because he's not already family, because my mom has issues, and because he won't be as awful about not being chosen as Mom will be. (She's already so insecure about me as is...) By rights, he should be invited to all my family gatherings. By rights, he should be allowed to split the holidays with me without major damn grief. By rights, he shouldn't still be being lied about by my mother. He shouldn't be treated like crap. If he was with any other chick, he'd get that. I can't in all good conscience selfishly say "Leave me alone for the holidays" either.

"Victoria did take the trip with her husband. She knew that it was the right decision, that it was an important step in establishing her new family. Inherent in the task of incorporation is the transfer of allegiance; this helps solidify the new partnership. As Victoria realized, it wasn't a matter of choosing between her husband and her family of origin, but rather of seeing that her husband is her family now and she must choose which familiy will assume priority over the holidays."

I know that once you become Significantly Coupled, you are supposed to choose your future husband first. I've certainly read the literature (as evidenced by this entry), folks. I should be demanding that I spend the holidays with him. I should be gossiping to every relative I can track down on the phone to tell them I'm engaged. Blah blah blah.

"The consequences for refusing this separation are profound, and it is the responsiblity of both mother and daughter to ensure that the break occurs. Wallerstein and Blakeslee emphasize that one of the foundations of a healthy marriage is for the bride and groom to separate emotionally from their families and elevate their spouse to top priority. Referring to the bride's journey, they write: 'Separation is particularly tricky for women because the ties between mother and daughter, made up of powerful strands of compassion, love, and sometimes guilt, are so powerful... Marriage may be particularly hard for the daughter whose mother is lonely and unhappy or is caring for an ill sibling or spouse."

Can you tell that I am absofuckinglutely paralyzed by this? I can't be that mean to my mother and separate from her and make her even worse. Yet I can't very well betray Dave by not doing so, either.

Aw SHIT.

I'm not even at 20,000 words yet. I can't bear to see exactly how far behind I am any more.

I hardly got anything done over the weekend. I had an hour's worth of good writing time on the train. Got nothing done on Saturday between the doctor's, the movies, other shopping and eating, not to mention "Jen, you've gotta watch this!" Found about one hour in which I wasn't interrupted on Sunday to write, but we left home way early (to do shopping again) and I couldn't type in the car (badumpbumpbump).

I am giving up hope that I will hit 50,000 this year. I can't write on weekends because everyone's distracting me and wanting me to do stuff, I can't write on weekdays because everyone's distracting me and wanting me to do stuff. There ain't no other time left. I can't get away from everybody. And Hill's really wanting to know when I'm gonna start that dress. And I get to fight out the family war crap now instead of thinking up novel stuff. And I get to worry about test results. I just want to get drunk, unplug all the phones, and hide under the bed with the lights off.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry