I suck so incredibly hard I should be dragged out into the street and shot.

I can't fucking decide and be fine with my decision. I don't want to pick from any of my options. Nothing will make me happy here. People keep asking me, what do I want to do here, what will make me happy. Nothing here is going to make me happy when I don't want to do any of the scenarios and don't feel good about any of them. I don't want to be mean, and there's no way I can't not be mean. And I can't fucking live with being mean, regardless of why I'm being mean or whoever deserves it. I can't stand myself when I'm mean. Other people may be mean to me, but I am determined to not be mean to them for as long as my temper can hold out. I don't believe in being like that. I don't want to hurt anybody and make them think I don't love them.

I can't get myself out of this incredible unhappiness by picking. I can't do the ostrich thing until December 25. That's not making it better either. I can't stand up to my mother and make it stick, I don't like any of the alternative options (i.e. host a holiday myself- right, Madame Chef of the Future here hosting a gathering? I'm sure they'd all love to have ramen for a holiday dinner, unless they like Nuclear Exploding Turkey), I can't tell the boy that I'll pick Mom just to shut her up.

Okay, so there's nothing physically preventing me from picking who I want to hurt most here. I could do it. But can I keep up hurting them for the next two months while they bug me to change my mind? While they're moaning sadly about how Christmas is gonna be this year?

I'm not stubborn enough to stay strong and not budge for that long. Not when I'm this conflicted about what I am doing. I am not at all convinced that what I do is right. I feel incredibly wrong.

Why am I blowing up again today, you ask? Let's quote the e-mail I got from Mom this afternoon, shall we?

"By the way, were were just officially invited to D&B's for Thanksgiving dinner! D just called and invited us. She wanted to know if Dave was coming and because I said no so quickly, she wanted to know if you two had broken up. I said no, that he was just goin to his family's, not ours. Part of me wanted to have dinner by ourselves, but I know it is only fair for your dad to see his part of the family for the holidays also. This will be an interesting holiday."

I cannot fucking believe that she decided that for me without even fucking asking me. Just IMMEDIATELY said no so quickly she gave off the impression that we broke up. Thanks for putting me in that position, Mom, I really appreciate it.

That nearly made me snap enough, folks. That nearly made me snap enough to say "Okay, fine, I'm going to fight to go off with him this year, even though I might not want to, because her treating him like that is just not right." I may not like Auntie D. too much, but at least she goddamn asked, and Mom is so obviously the one who doesn't want it to happen.

I stupidly mentioned this when it happened on chat (when will I EVER FUCKING LEARN not to do that and inflict my problems upon them?), and everyone got on me about it. How if I can't stand up to my parents, the marriage is doomed and I should just do him a favor and break up with him now. You know what, you guys are right. I should break up with him now. I can't be an adult, do as I please and not be sucking up for parental approval. If I can't fight for my man, I might as well go back to Mommy and Daddy and give up my life. You are absolutely right.

Course, when I told Dave this later he wanted me to stop going on the chat channel because he doesn't agree with that, but get back to him in 20 years and he'll agree with them too. I keep telling him this, he keeps not agreeing with me, I can't imagine why not.

I nearly thought I could tell Mom off. Of course, when I couldn't even write back to her e-mail, I shoulda known that was a sign. Not that I was going to do it tonight, mind you, I felt I should at least talk to Dave first.

Why did I even go look at Amtrak schedules to see if he could get over for Thanksgiving? Why did I delude myself into thinking I could bring him for Thanksgiving? I don't even want to go to it myself, for chrissake! I don't really want him to go with me get harrassed by those relatives, and yet I nearly bent enough to try just to make him happy because he'd get to be with me for something. I got his hopes up. I shouldn't have done it. I am a shithead.

I can't not wimp out. I can't DECIDE. I am too paralyzed. I can't even conceive of how to solve this problem and make it stick with any decision, even if I hate it. Well, how to solve this problem is easy: pick something I don't like. How to solve the "how do you stick with what you picked", however, I am at a loss. I don't know how you stay strong like that when you already feel bad and guilty about your choice.

He said, "Whatever you choose, I will support you. But you have to choose. And you don't like any of the options that I've come up with. I don't know what else to say."

"I don't know what else to say, either," I said, and hung up the phone. Then I turned the phone off so he wouldn't be able to get through. Which is going to drive him batshit nuts since Hill's on the landline all night, but what else is there to say? I suck, I can't stand up for him, I can't stand up for me, I don't deserve him.

Number of "can't"s and similar words in this entry: 18.

Number of "don't"s and similar words in this entry: 13.

Yes, I'm aware of my negative, self-defeating attitude. Yeah, well, given my track record, you think I can believe in myself and my ability to handle things? On what evidence here?

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