Dave went and checked back on all the places he applied and got a "no luck till 2003" all around. I seriously suspect that his ex-boss must be badmouthing him up and down creation, because he seems to have gotten a lot of interest until that moment... I could just cry.

I'm doing a lot of that lately.

Anyway, Dave was begging to come back here and job-hunt again since prospects at home are absolutely dead- job-hunt here for a week, go home for a week, etc. I haven't asked Hill yet. Been too distracted. But at any rate, he's coming here today and will be here when I get off work. Don't know for how long.

I'm not sure how that's going to go.

Anyway, the fit predictably hit the shan last night after I shut off the phone. Dave called Hill to have her check on me (she did not mention to me that was what she was doing, btw), he called S&D for awhile and had them call to check on me, Scott actually went and called Hill next and apparently that was who she was talking to when I got out of the shower. When I finally turned the phone on again around 11, I had a message from Demma, one from Scott, one from Mom ("Alicia says there's a rapist on campus!", which I did NOT reply to), and one incredibly depressed "I give up. Go to your mom's. I can't stand fighting any more" from Dave.

I called S&D back first because I figured Dave was gonna be up all night anyway, and got a long lecture covering the finer points of (a) why Dave and I shouldn't be blowing money on seeing each other all the time and should save up for an incredibly cheap-ass car instead, (b) every last detail about how Dot died (sigh), how it happened, why I'm probably not likely to kill a rat myself, and how they are definitely giving me one complete with cage for Christmas, (c) how if I want to marry him, I should start spending holidays with him, and how whatever choice I make, I should call, say a brief piece, then hang up and make sure my line's busy, on both of them, and make sure to rant to S&D first before I tell Dave what goes on. (I have no qualms with the latter, but this is gonna be hard to do if he's in my house.)

After that, I called Dave. In the meantime, he'd unfortunately gone off and told his parents what was going on. I wish he hadn't, because guess what, now things are even more screwed up. Since my parents are having such a problem with this, now his parents have decided that we should always spend the holidays apart until we're married (as Dave clarified, if mine had had no problem with it, they wouldn't have either), and I am disinvited to any gatherings of his. So if we do end up spending the holidays together, it's alone in my apartment. Whee.

I feel so bad for now doing that to him, too. All I do is make things worse and worse.

Honestly, this whole thing just doesn't seem worth it. It is making me sick. I can't sleep, I could barely move to get out of bed this morning, I can't think about anything else, I just want to cry a lot... I can't stand this stress and guilt.

I still don't know what to say to Mom, beyond "I really don't approve of your deciding that for me." I'm not sure if it's even worth fighting for to have him in my apartment by ourselves for the holiday- no tree, no presents, no food, sounds fun, doesn't it? At least with relatives there's more of an excuse as to why to do that. And I really didn't want him to be in the house when I had this conversation with her, either.

He's about ready to give up. He is so sorry he pushed me. He says he'll deal with it. He sounds like I'm breaking his heart when he says that. He didn't deny it when I called him on it.

I feel so sick.

Thing is, I like his "compromise" idea of me going to my family until after Christmas, then he goes and visits me for a week, then we go to his place for New Year's. I'm much more comfortable doing that. Especially since I don't have the guts, balls, or words to stand up to Mom about this.

But then there's the broken-hearted voice.

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