I am really tired of having my choices annoy, offend, tick someone off, or hurt their feelings horribly.

I am really tired of being in the middle.

I am rather annoyed at Hill for saying that Dave coming on weekdays is "too much" and he can't do it any more (the latter was implied, anyway). I know she's perfectly within her rights to say that, it's not fair to do what I do to her, etc., but I'm still annoyed.

I am tired of feeling like emotional crap most of the time because I am pulled back and forth between people.

I am tired of hearing "Well, maybe you could talk to ____ and convince him/her into doing what I want." No, I can't talk to so-and-so and change their mind so you win. Nobody listens to me, I'm not convincing, nobody much cares what my opinion is anyway, and nobody listens to me. I am tired of trying to talk people into doing anything. It ain't working. I don't want to "just give it a try" any more.

I really hate the holidays.

I am sick to my stomach at the thought of dealing with the PITAS on Thursday. I don't know what lies to tell.

I don't want to buy anybody presents. Not that I know what to get them anyway.

I don't want to deal with Christmas any more already.

Since I hate the month of January, I'm ready to just skip ahead and go straight on into February, when I don't have any of this people crap to deal with.

I am tired of dealing with people.

Honestly, I do not have the patience any more to deal with people without biting their heads off RIGHT NOW. This really doesn't bode well with having to deal with family members for five days straight.

I am tired of being depressed and miserable because of everything.

And not only is there no sign of this ending, it only gets worse and worse.

I had told the boy that if Aunt Susie invited us to spend Christmas Eve with them, there was no way my parents (ok, Mom) would even consider sharing the holiday with him. (Not that, in all likelihood, she was even willing to consider that anyway, but I knew she definitely wouldn't turn Aunt Susie down to see my boyfriend.) Found out today that yes, it is confirmed, we will be there for Christmas Eve too.

I give up. I am caving in. I cannot fight about this any more. You see what my mental state is like. Mom's gonna win. She's always gonna win. I can't fight her, I can't do this without feeling guilty and bad. I don't have the strength or the stubborness to fight her.

Dave is taking it well for the most part. I'll probably spend the week or so afterwards with him anyway. Though given Hill's new decree, I'm not sure if that'll be spent at my place like we were planning on doing or not. If she's gone for part or all of Christmas break, sure (I am not entirely sure, but she does have wedding stuff going on), but if not we'll be in his town.

Honestly, I am getting tired of going to his place and having his relatives always swarming around and keeping track of when I go to the bathroom, not to mention that there's hardly any edible food around. It's not fun to be trapped there for a weekend. I guess I'll be stuck doing that more often though.

Dave said I wasn't a spoiled chlid because spoiled children get their own way and I never have. Nor do I have even a faint idea of how to fight.

I haven't even managed to hit 25,000 words on NaNoWriMo. I literally could not write for most of the weekend. I was fairly catatonic and didn't leave the bed much on Saturday, I was so catatonic and brain-dead. So much for getting a lot of writing done. And I actually could have, too, if I could just think. But I can't. My mind is a mess.

Here's why I'm sucking this year:

(a) To quote Dorothy Parker, "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa." Not to mention too fucking popular to boot.

(b) Being out of town or unable to use my own computer to write has not helped. I am definitely a LOT slower when not using my own computer. It's harder for me to write. I like using the Palm when I'm in a restaurant, on the train, etc., but don't like trying to write on it at home while I'm distracting Dave with computer games on my main machine.

(c) The holidays crap has completely and utterly distracted the hell out of me. My mind just can't concentrate on the novel when I'm in big distress.

(d) Didn't have quite as much specific stuff plotted out about the novel before I began as I did last year, and spent all my free time this year worrying instead of thinking of plot details.

I don't think I'll try NaNoWriMo again next year. If things are gonna be this bad again, no way am I attempting it. Knew better this year, but I had hope. Now I know I won't be finishing half of it in the next few days, and can't be left alone to for most of them, so... never mind.

Damn.

I am so disappointed in myself this year.

Okay, ONE good thing happened to lighten up this entry. While dropping off Dave at the station tonight, I think I saw the ex staring at us. At least, that was him if he did the growing-hair-beard thing out again- as you can imagine, I didn't want to look too closely or let him realize I spotted him on my way to kiss Dave goodbye.

Hah. Don't you just love that, to completely rub it in the face of an ex that you have someone else? Gloated all the way home. (Though stupidly enough I called Dave on the cell to see if the ex got on his bus, and he said "How would I know?" Er, good point.)

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