I'm feeling bitter today. Yes, again. What a news flash. I'm only happy if I'm buying myself presents or getting them from someone else lately, it seems. Hell, I'm just happy to be back at work today, that's the thriller of my day.

I seem to be in a general state of disappointment with myself. Not finishing the novel, not being around enough to do Holidailies this year (yeah, I know, that one's a dumb one to whine about), and I wish I hadn't agreed to do this damn dress. I have no idea how to adjust the pattern at all and I wasn't even taught how to in school. I think I'm going to end up wildly guessing and screwing up and feeling like a major ass. I'm afraid to work on it.

I've got some advice to any girl out there who may get engaged. If your fellow loses his job for whatever reason, and you get engaged after that happens, I can't stress this highly enough- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU GOT ENGAGED. Forget honesty and truthfulness. Forget every etiquette website that says that the first thing you do after getting engaged is to tell your parents. LIE. If it takes him a year to get employed again, lie that entire time and do not tell a soul what happened. Because if you do, the first thing that will go through the head of your parents is "But he's supposed to support her so she can stay home with our grandbabies!", and everything will go to hell from there.

I wish we were still lying. I wish we hadn't told. I wish he hadn't talked me into being honest and truthful with my parents. It was a big, huge, colossal mistake to tell them this now. I knew that, I couldn't convince him of that, and now well, relations are even worse. I think things would be a lot better if he hadn't bugged me and bugged me to tell, if he hadn't bugged me and bugged me to tell specifically so we could be together for the holidays. Obviously, that one isn't working out (though I swear, he still hasn't given up hope that a miracle will happen, hah), and now relationwise things are even more bitter than they would have been if I was still claiming he was just my boyfriend still.

I am tired of fighting with him about my jerky-ass family every other time we speak. I am tired of them being an embarrassment.

Christmas shopping tends to put me in a cranky-ass mood. Mainly because I will see 50 things that I want for myself, and yet see nothing that I think someone on my list would like and want to have. Or heck, not ignore after they got it.

There was a big book sale on campus today, which I went to. A lot of cheap books, but not a particular lot of interesting ones. I bought one anyway, but so much for taking advantage of a big sale. I also went through the bookstore, but found nothing and not much to buy anyone. One or two vague possibilities for the friends, and that's about it.

I get so damn bored of buying people the same old crap every year. Buying MORE movies as presents. Buying MORE CD's. Buying MORE cheap joke books. But they don't seem to want anything else, and more interesting gifts get a "Huh" and a chuck in the corner. Plus I feel the pressure in some cases (well, Jackie, really) to go all out, because I know she went all out on me already.

And this year, I can't even fucking shop unless it's on campus. Because I spend all day long at work and it's dark when I go home, I've got both Mom and Dave yelling at me at full volume that I CANNOT go out after dark by myself or I'll get raped. They're both offering to take me shopping, but dammit, I want to go alone. I want to go to a few stores in the town I LIVE in, alone, instead of waiting for these out of towners to take me to a mall or something. I don't want to have to need an escort to go out in public, for godsake.

There was some kind of an anti-rape rally on campus today, with a bunch of signs about stopping violence against women. Honestly, what was the point of doing that? What's it going to stop? Do they think the rapist is going to see it and think "Gee, I should stop this?"

I loathe being a girl. I swear to god, any random guy could walk down the street here at 3 in the morning, naked, drunk, and waving his wallet around in the air yelling "Come and get it!" and he still wouldn't be considered as much "at risk" for assault as any woman would be at 5 p.m. and fully clothed. Just because she has an innie instead of an outie, she's fair game. Okay, okay, so I'm exaggerating, but it feels like that sometimes.

They sent around a memo today saying they were going to make sure enough self-defense classes were offered next quarter. I've taken self-defense before, twice actually. How many guys were in my classes? There was one. I don't know of any guys who ever feel vulnerable out on the street, like someone's gonna get them. I don't know of any guys who need to find someone to walk them back to their car at night. I don't know of any guys who are being yelled at to stay in their homes all night long instead of doing what they need to do because they're gonna get raped.

It pisses me off. I hate feeling like walking rape bait just because I exist, am the wrong gender, and chose to gasp! leave my house when it's not broad daylight out.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry