Remember that rape that I was all upset about yesterday?

It was all a big lie. The stupid bitch made it all up for (anonymous) attention, apparently. Her story wasn't consistent. I'm pissed that they're not going to prosecute or expel her or anything, just send her off to counseling. It disgusts me that someone would deliberately lie about a thing like that, and I want to KICK her for scaring the crap out of every female in town. How on earth could someone do such a thing?

At least I can finally leave the goddamn house at night by myself again without getting bitched out for it, though. I DID shop tonight. Nyah. I got Scott and Demma and Dave pretty much taken care of, and er, bought myself quite a few presents too *blush* Though one of them I can use to make other silly little gifts, so that's not that bad. Shopping does cheer me up.

Y'all know how I feel about tradition, especially female traditions. Especially female traditions with regards to matrimony. Y'all also know that I suspected as much that Dave would like me to take his name and just wasn't saying anything specifically about it. Much to my relief.

*sigh* And I got that confirmed last night, much to my dismay. We were talking about something else entirely when he said that for certain financial reasons (oh, the joys of unemployment) it would be better if I kept my own name. Well, I certainly agree with that, but...

"I don't believe in couples having different last names."

I seriously wanted to kick him, or at least growl. I think I did growl, actually. He said, "Well, I haven't been making a big deal about it, have I? I'm traditional like that, I got raised to be that way." And of course the name that we both should have is his, since "it's been around since the time of Charlemagne and I'm the last one." Of course, my name isn't as important because I'm a goddamn girl (okay, he didn't say that, but it felt implied), and I don't know how far back my last name goes because gee, all the rest of the Mylastnames are either dead or unable to talk about it. I'm the last one of mine too, and what does that count for?

(For further reference in this entry, since every person in existence with his last name is related to him and I don't want it to crop up in a search engine, I'll be using "Charlemagne" when referring to his last name, ok?)

He keeps of course suggesting that I hyphenate. Right, Jennifer Mylastname-Charlemagne (and that's about how long it would be in real life, too) is going to go over well with the length, plus it sounds horrid because of mine being English and his being German. ("Nothing combines well with my last name," he said. "Smith wouldn't combine well with mine." "Maybe so, but it'd still be better than with my name," I said.) Or that I could do the modern tradition of writing under Jennifer Mylastname as a pen name and use his in everyday life. He sounds perfectly delighted to have my name drop off and his be the common use. I don't think he really believes that I'd rather stick with what I've got. Oh yeah, and unless we want to have two sons and give them a name each... (gah, the idea of having two sons of mine... oh god- I don't even want one boy, but THE NAME MUST BE PASSED ON!) I said "Or we could give mine to a girl, and I could tell her she was never allowed to change her last name and anyone she married would have to take hers." That didn't go over well with him.

And I don't want to use his name at all. The two are just way too long to use together in any way, and I refuse to give up mine like it means nothing. I don't want to use his "socially" (whatever the fuck that means) and I don't want to spend all my time trying to figure out what name they listed me under for something. Screw that. Nor do I want to fill out endless name change paperwork, none of which would affect him at all.

Great. Something else to always be fighting about, along with my relatives and where to spend the holidays. How on earth did I hook up with someone who's "traditional?" I don't get how someone who doesn't give a damn if I'm a housewifely type can be all traditional over something like that too.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE TRADITION! I don't WANT to do it the same was that every other female for all time did it! Grrrrr!

Why did I bring up the eternal baby question thing on chat again? Can one of y'all give me a slapping if I do it again? Seriously? Please? Everyone would appreciate it.

*sigh* Mainly, these are my issues, in order of importance:

(a) Birth.

(b) Not being all that fond of small children.

(c) Think I'd be a screwy parent.

All of that adds up to me being scared, scared, scared. I guess I could get over (c), and that probably depends on how you define it anyway. I don't know about (b). I don't hate small children, but I'm rather apathetic on the idea.

Truth be told, you know what I'd like, kidwise? To skip the whole "kid" part and just have teenagers. Because that's the age that truly appeals to me. (Yes, I know I'm insane, I've heard everyone say that teenagers are wretched and babies are sooooo cute and actually love you.) I'd rather have a more mature relationship with a kid than a "I'm the mommy!" worn-out dictatorship. And I worry about me being flaky and not feeding the kids or something, whereas a teenager can call for pizza. (Kidding.) I actually get happy at the idea of having a teenager, where I'm not getting the happies at having an infant. I know I'm screwed up, and you can't have one without the other, etc. so that's not going to work out, but I wish...

You know what's funny? If I were a guy, I'd be cool with having a kid, no problem.

I can't say unequivocably for absolute certain that I won't want kids. But I don't really see how we can get around all the things that scare me, either. I'd rather hold off for some time and see. Most of it at best is a "try it, wait and see, too late now!", you know?

I have so many issues with being female, and babies are THE ULTIMATE GIRLY THING, so no wonder it wigs me out. I really do wish I'd been born a guy.

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