2023-12-05, 8:58 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
First off we're covering Monday, 12/4, which was a boring-ass day to write about since I didn't take notes on the fun stuff.
Because I have to burn two vacation days a month to stay under the stop-acquiring wire (I am trying to save as many paid vacation days as possible for my firing, it'll be the only severance I get) and last month's total got thrown off due to being on medical leave, I had to burn an extra day ASAP despite only going back to work next week. Figured I'd take today since I'd be tired from Dickens. So I slept in, woke up too early, went back to sleep (success!), dreamed one of my work teammates came to me saying she was being picked on like I am too, which made me happy until I remembered, "oh, this is a dream, I'm the only one that gets picked on here, NEVER MIND MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO LIE TO ME." Sigh. Anyway, I eventually got dressed and Becky picked me up to hang out. She has one of those very, very tiny 2-seater cars and she got it decorated like a kids' little trike car, Hilarious. Tiny as heck to be in, but hilarious. Good for parking in SF yesterday, she said.
Becky is a friend I don't see all that often because she frequently has Stuff Come Up and is generally as busy as I am. (I was supposed to see her on the day after I started getting laryngitis, but she canceled because a relative is now dying. That level of Stuff Comes Up.) She was shop steward for me the last time people tried to get me fired, but now she's retired so she technically can't do anything, but she wanted to get together, see if there was anything she can do, etc. I guess technically that's a no, but it was a very supportive hangout. We hung out at Starbucks for a few hours, then got sandwiches (per yesterday's gluten-free-restaurant hunt, I was all, "You can go to Ike's across the street for that!"), then went to get frozen yogurt, hung out in the park, etc. till like 3. It was all very supportive and pleasant. I wish I'd like, taken notes or something, but obviously I was a bit occupied with running my mouth.
She said I'm not a bad person, they're bad management for not really actually helping me with much of anything and I shouldn't take their opinions on like I did something wrong. I find this hard to do because while the whole situation feels fairly insane--like if I had different management, (and I have had different management in the past and it was not this bad), every single tiny thing I say or do wouldn't piss everyone off, I suspect. And yet, I have too many people telling me I'm just awful for existing that it makes me lose the will to live. I want to listen to the people that like me over the haters, but I can't discount the haters either? She doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way I speak or handle things, and in a sane world, maybe there isn't a problem, but also I'm not in a sane world? I just don't know, y'all.
But we had fun discussions on acting, literature/Shakespeare, doing stuff, going to things, friend drama, etc. She is doing that whole Landmark Forum thing on communication and I asked her about my issues I'm having with A Certain Person I had issues with last year, too. She said it's never too late to say something and if I have to write a letter about it, do it, and we discussed how say, my personal shit being triggered may have influenced the whole thing--and also, some people are oblivious, of course. That helped. Another thing on my list, albeit I've decided not to tackle that in full until the latter half of the month.
As for Getting Stuff Done Today at home, I posted some things online I said I'd post last week, wrote up Dickens Fair, posted a few entries from the beginning of June 2023, and finished up beading the Christmas tree hat I finished a few weeks ago. (At least I found more stray beads for that.) I also have to come up with gifts that I'll have to make for everyone this year due to trying not to spend as much money as usual, and I should have that done by tonight so I can use the work printer tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll be in the office again after that if I go on leave again for more medication issues, and I have no ideas. And Rae has to get TWO gifts because her birthday is early January and I can't even summon up the brain space to finish her first one because I'm making it up from scratch, and the only other idea I have, Ashley already made her. I can't add this stuff to the plate and it can't be put off the plate socially, either. I also probably need to buy at least one more Yankee Swap gift for a party and I don't have ideas on that either. Can't DIY those things and it's awkward if you don't participate. I also have to sign up for potluck for next week's party and I can't do drinks, so hell if I know what to say to bring either. I do not want to share my cooking with others, period, because I never know how it's going to come out and you have to make food at the last minute for freshness. So food as gifts isn't an option either.
And now we're on today, Tuesday, 12/5.
In-office day. Woke up circa 5:30 a.m., ugh, but did spend the time before work figuring out that most people are gonna get ornaments out of yarn this year for Christmas, so there's that.
I was supposed to go to YET ANOTHER in person CUSTOMER SERVICE CLASS (god, I'm so tired of them and they never make me "better" enough to get management to stop their complaints), but they canceled it and never bothered to tell me and I had to find out by walking over there. Supposedly they moved it to next month, but so far haven't contacted me back about it. Since I'll probably be fired by then, I couldn't care less about rescheduling. I thought about just staying out of the office for the next 3 hours--I really wanted to--but it's too damn cold to do that and I'm masking indoors while at GiantOrg and not alone, so I went back here and printed knitting patterns for people's potential gifts. I did other work too, but we're kind of on intermittent workload at the moment. I also attempted to look up more accommodation suggestions--I'm still not finding much that works for me--and actually resorted to emailing the AskJan website to ask if there's anything beyond "ask for a quiet office," because I already have that. So far all I've got is demanding a rewrite of the procedures and possibly ask for a job coach/mentor to tell me how to communicate like a "normal" person, which is probably not an option here anyway. And ask to be allowed to um, fidget, I guess.
There are now Gavle Goat sweaters, right when I should not be buying one. Asking for one for Christmas, but I have no hopes on Mom getting her shit together on that one there. I asked for a holiday corgi sweater earlier and she totally failed on moving on that one.
Toward the end of the day I actually got a call from the ADHD evaluator (I note this is happening on my day off Thursday). She was SUPER SWEET AND NICE. Said the appointment will be 2.5 hours--most of that being an interview and then I have to take a test online. Mom won't be interviewed or asked anything. I noted I'm going to have to move my singing lesson, which I had scheduled for 3:30...oh well, that's fine, Morgan can work with that. She said it takes weeks to compile the results and I said, "so, January?" and she said yes, and I said, "if I can't prove disability, I will get fired in January" and she was suitably horrified and said she'd do her best to move it up before the holidays under the circumstances. She also saw in my records that I was trying to find a psychiatrist and I explained why and what had happened there (I note no messages from Kaiser on that one for a few days...) and she was also suitably horrified at all of that. So...fingers crossed.
After work, I went to karaoke with Ashley and the pizza joint was DEAD. Very few people in there at all whatsoever and not for very long. The other regulars (a group of four people we also hang out with, two couples) weren't there, I guess one of them had gotten sick. Jim was seriously in there alone for an hour singing to himself by the time we got there. So we had a party of three, singing Christmas songs and frankly, whatever the hell we wanted. I was all, "LET'S SING DIRTY SONGS!!!" because this place usually has enough kids coming in where that's not doable. So I did "Big Balls," "Strokin'" (Jim was all, never heard a girl sing that one before) and "I Touch Myself." There's some Lizzo song Ashley has wanted to do for months that she hasn't been able to do there, and she did it. Amazingly, no children came in despite my singing something dirty, because usually I can't do "Hot N' Cold" without a kid wandering in on me singing, "You PMS like a bitch." Or "Big Balls" the last time I did it, for that matter. No sooner did I launch into it last time then a bunch of kids came in, gaping. But not today!
I did "Last Christmas" (Whamageddon!) and "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" (Jim wasn't thrilled but sucked it up), and he did a great deep voiced Grinch. I did a few songs I had never ever heard before (that one about "I might like you better if we slept together..." I didn't know THAT existed, also did "Rapture" and that is a weird song) blind, which is to say I just sang off the karaoke video cues. We had a fun time, just the three of us.