Chaos Attraction

Years To Go

2009-12-12, 1:05 p.m.

Where would you most like to be right now, in this moment? (So sue me that this prompt is a day late, I'm trying to write ahead of time...)

Hawaii would be nice. Listening to island Christmas songs are not helping that any.

But beyond that...

I dunno. There's a large, long gap of years between where I am and where I want to be. I'm comfortable where I am and will be very sad to lose that comfort, that routine, the knowing when things happen and what there is to do and who to see. Oh yeah, and insurance and regular paychecks, that one's gonna make me cry to lose. I dread the day when my current crowd of friends moves out of town--not this year really, but in the next 2-3 they're probably all going to leave for grad school or whatever else and I'll be alone again.

I have to drive and have a car before I can move at all, unfortunately. There's always that problem to have to figure out. And irritatingly, I need help to that. I'm doing better, but it's still gonna take awhile. Plus, y'know, I have to figure out what the hell else to do in order to move on with my life.

So, I have a few more years before things start changing. That's both good and bad at once.

Picturing life #2, years and miles away, being drastically different from everything here... (I have a collage of this on my door at home and it's kind of startling) it's very weird. And yet the desire won't go away no matter what the hell I do. I've been trying for years to get over what I want, to deny it, to reason and logic myself out of dealing with it because god knows, there's some things that come along with that I am not cool and froody with. I have been reading a lot about callings this year and as far as I can tell, the very definition of one is, "stuff that won't go away, no matter how inexplicable it is or how illogical it is." Nagging from hell from the universe.

I pretty much gave up on that this year. It's along the lines of "Okay, FINE, I give in, I'm gonna have to do it someday. I'll stop denying." (Though I certainly still have plenty of moments of "Oh crap, seriously? Can't I back out of this?") And I can say that I am a lot more damn cheerful since getting over that hump, even if I am not really moving on doing anything towards it yet. Seriously, I'm in a fairly good mood even if the weather sucks and my pay is cut and cool vacations are getting canceled. I don't think I've been in such a good mood in general since like 2004.

So, you're probably wondering, "um, so WHAT is your calling here?" Um.... it's not nearly as clear as stardusted's, I'm sorry to say. I'll put it this way: you'll know when you start hearing about me. I'm not saying as yet because I don't know how the hell to do the execution of it yet. Don't even know what step 1 is, don't know in what direction I want to head in in order to hit the mark that I need to hit. I have a general idea and that is all. (Annoying, huh? TOTALLY ANNOYING.) I am hoping some day inspiration or the clue bat hits and I start getting somewhere with that.

But someday, someday. Even if I'm taking the slow path about it, by around the middle of the next decade, things are gonna be different. And I wonder how I'm going to handle it. Will it be everything I wanted? Or at least just shut up the god-nagging? Let's hope so.

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