Chaos Attraction

Andre Braugher Died And I'm Not Feeling So Good Myself

2023-12-12, 8:47 p.m.

Written before The Crackup:
(Don't you love how an entry STARTS with that?! ... the first half is written before work, I'll say.)

Went to bed at 10, woke up at 4:30 to pee, gave up on trying to go back to sleep again. At least I'm getting around six hours these days, so there's that.

I note that I signed up for some "all day" (by my time, all morning) online seminar on ADHD that started at 8:30 East Coast 5-damn-30 my time. Now normally I would not deliberately wake up for this, but since I'm already goddamned awake anyway, I'm up on time for it! Ridiculous, but there it is. That said, it didn't actually start till 6 a.m. Anyway...yeah, it's super fun to hear about how your risk for death, depression, anxiety, and sleep issues (obviously got all of those) all go up with ADHD, how hard it is to get medication, and how everything is solved with medication so you really have no choice but to do medication. Which as a person who has problems taking medications in the first place, really, really displeases me. That said, the morning panel was quite informative, the "afternoon" panel flew over my head with drug talk, but as you'll see later, I was Quite Distracted by then anyway.

I have posted the pictures of Mystery Object. Take your guesses now!

I'm at a loss as to what to work on yarnwise. I need to get some patterns printed one way or another. My improvised loth cat is going...poorly and driving me nuts because I'm having to redo a head and pull out fuzzy yarn, which is agony. My mom's scarf is still somewhat wet in blocking because it's December, so I can't finish that off yet. I also had the idea to make Mom an advent calendar (she likes the one I have up in the house) and then realized I seem to be out of dark green yarn around here.

I also like to have a "mindless fidget" project going that isn't that complicated so I can just carry it around in my bag. I think I am going to start a NEWS sweater, which I took a class in awhile back, because I just want something easy to work on and that's a pretty improvised sweater thing.

The Crackup:

Hey, remember how yesterday I said I had a boring entry and then I'd probably have drama tomorrow? I can think of several jokes to make about this, a lot of which involve Murphy's Law and this is how my life goes. One might also make a reasonable joke about saying something like that brings it upon you, but frankly, THIS IS HOW MY LIFE GOES.

After nine days of quiet, I had several fuckups at work this morning. I forgot and screwed up things I have literally been doing for years. First a small fuckup of forgetting I shouldn't key something before Friday, and then a HUGE FUCKUP in which I literally started checking a list and processing it wrong because my brain had decided it was something else. And my coworker squealed on me that I screwed up (I will tactfully not say the words I want to say about this online) and we had Yet Another Manager Meeting About My Fucking Up Again. They want to know why I keep doing this and I can't even explain why I keep screwing everything up and I can't stop screwing up. I can't stop. Three fuckups within 10 days to add to the firing list.

Coincidentally I had the pre-screening for the psychiatrist right after this and I was hysterical and the guy was SUPER sweet and nice, definitely noted that things getting into Sacramento Kaiser have been a trainwreck and treatment so far has made me worse, and apologized for all the hassle I'd had getting through to them. That helped. He said he could get me into an intensive outpatient program as soon as possible AND said he'd get me out of work for the rest of the week and then the program after that. It is a virtual outpatient treatment program I can do for 2 weeks, which I will presumably go on FMLA again for. They will try to get me into that literally as soon as possible despite the holidays. So I called out sick, got the work letter and emailed it in. Buh-bye trying to figure out the vacation time issue, not a problem now!!!! I sent notice that I need FMLA AGAIN, hahahahah, sorry, you thought my ticket was done.... a phone appointment with a psychiatrist has been set for midafternoon Thursday.

I emailed Union Guy and some friends to let them know. And also to beg for use of a printer, hopefully, because I do need to print some shit out at some point circa Friday. Printers have been offered, as have invites to hang out.

I WAS going to go to karaoke today, but now Rae is going with her new caregiver and now I can't go because there's no way in fuck I can fake being okay and happy around her and not set her off tonight. Greaaaaaaaaat. (Ashley said she's fine with not going, though I said she could go with others.) Her mom has been told.

They started doing some kind of horrible drilling in my building--I thought, "am I losing it even more than I thought?!" before realizing it was an outside noise and nothing in my apartment was going off--so I walked to the nearest park and read and knit and texted people for a few hours. It was nice.

Mom called, yelled at me to think positive. THEN SHE WENT BACK TO TALKING ABOUT THE SHOES. Then she went out and bought me yarn at the Joann's who's going out of business, I said she could drop it by tomorrow when she comes up here to buy the other half of the shoes, and then she was all, "Oh, Roger's driving me and he won't do that." Oh, come on, dude can't drop by the house? :P

I also talked to my friend Melinda, as we are going to get together with another friend, Melanie, at some point to discuss other job options. Probably next week or so.
Quotes from her:
"Of course you're going to fall on your ass. The stress is too high."
"You're going through a hard time. Of course you're drama."
"You don't know the shape of things."
On certain people: "All they want to do is not have you crying in front of them."
On work: "They're not kind to you" and obviously having a breakdown only makes people meaner.
Other than that, she wants me applying for other jobs, which frankly I haven't been able to make myself do yet. I look at them and hate them. Looking at jobs makes me want to barf at this point, or maybe I'm just too brain dead, I don't know. I barely managed to pay bills and do the dishes today.

Also talked to Dawn, who's having a hard time with her husband dying. She briefly came by to drop off some fruit and then got the call from the palliative care nurse and had to go, and that didn't go well and confused her more, and now her husband's admitting he's, yeah. She got off the phone to cry, I get it. Also talked to Becky, who was cheerful, wants to get together, I informed her of the palliative care confusion and she said she'd look into it with a doctor friend and also look at options for me.

Also, Andre Braugher died and I'm not feeling so good myself :P

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