Chaos Attraction


2023-12-14, 8:08 p.m.

Hey, I forgot some stories from yesterday!

Some more stuff from Germaine:
(a) On Woodland, she said they were a good theater, nearly professional, "but they're very clique-y. You'll never get in," she said to me. So that's three people now who've said I'll never get into Woodland :P Good thing that's not a dream of mine or anything.
(b) Germaine used to know the couple who have their names on a theater around here. I about died when she said that "W. Turrentine Jackson" was called "Turpie," but not to his face, she said. I could not stop cracking up about "Turpie." I asked if anyone called him "Turrentine" to his face and she said, "No, Dr. Jackson." We wondered why he went by that as a first name, a la Willard Mitt Romney. Also she said that when he died, his wife had NO IDEA he was a multi-millionaire--he'd invested some book proceeds well and I guess didn't tell her!!! So she donated money for a theater.

Last night after writing the entry, I was all, "you know what, fuck the "no alcohol" thing, I'm gonna finish off this wine bottle." Which I did. Then went to sleep 10ish. Then actually slept 8 hours. So frankly, if it makes me sleepy and I stay that way, GREAT. Do I have any more alcohol around the house at this point that isn't the CBD wine? Dunno. Didn't go out to look for any, though....okay, there is some in the house.

I left the house an hour early to browse through SPCA and Boheme for thrift stuff that might work as gifts, didn't get/find anything. Well, I found a cool skirt at Boheme but could not justify buying it in any way and restrained myself even though it was $10. It was a screaming hot pink overskirt, so it would have to go with *something* and that color went with nothing but a pair of leggings I couldn't fit into, so.

Had lunch with Rachel in Central Park, that was fun. She's working on auditioning for Descendants at Woodland, picking a song that doesn't show off anything bad, lol. She brought up Scott in conversation, which I wasn't thrilled about but said nothing really. Mostly that he's doing all these shows at once and works at a craft store. Oh yeah, and she said "the whole gang," meaning Cameron, Robert/Janene, Jessica/Nick all went to School of Rock on Friday. And didn't invite me?! :(

Steve sent me a text inviting me to Jan's birthday dinner and going to see Christmas lights tomorrow. I said "I'd love to go," haven't heard when since, but I'm happy to have the invite. I sort of assume there's a carpool....?

Meg is coming to town soon, huzzah. Like tomorrow or so, hopefully?

I note that I heard from a friend of mine--not sure if I want to indicate which friend 'cause that might be personal to them--that they have also gone through the IOR program and found it helpful. I was all, "please let me know if you are comfortable with talking about it, I'd love to." No response yet, but I will probably talk to them tomorrow anyway, so we'll see.

Medical stuff:

I DID NOT TEST POSITIVE FOR THC (or pregnancy or any other wacky drugs they checked for), WHEW. I sent Denise a screenshot of this. She wrote back to say she finally got a full time job with the Phoenix Coalition, which is perfect for her, and she's back together with her ex. We must dish next week.

I had the intake appointment with Dr. Amanda (so as to distinguish from the Amanda I haven't heard back from) today. It went well, albeit I think at first she was all skeptical about whether or not she wanted me in the program and she admitted as such, but upon getting to know me better, well. Possibly she just thought I was doing it to get out of work and wasn't into doing the work and was all "why don't you just get another job?" and I was all, "if I'd been able to do that, we wouldn't be here right now" and while she did make a hilarious to me comment about a "job-ectomy" and how if I could just get another job I'd probably be fine, which is probably true, it's hard to know now and I'm such a damn mess I kinda don't think I can work NOW. She asked if it was affecting me outside of work and I said I'm a little more brain futzed, can't write any book reviews and I'm having some trouble following yarn patterns. She asked what having a disability would do and I said in addition to the work stuff MAYBE getting them off my back a little, I could apply with the state. She said if I could do data entry again I'd probably be fine, which, TRUE.

Asked what we work on in therapy and I said honestly, it ends up being weekly crisis management with me more than "working on" a lot of the time because most of the time new bad shit has happened from week to week. She noted I had gotten an evaluation in 2021 and it hadn't seemed to come to anything and I explained I wasn't diagnosed with anything and thus didn't get any care.

She wanted to quibble with the ADHD thing, was all, "how come you're getting evaluated when you're in crisis and not at a baseline" and "how come you're getting care in Vacaville and Sacramento? How did you get an ADHD evaluation in Vacaville?" Me: "I didn't know it was in Vacaville?" Apparently they are much faster with that in Vacaville than in Sacramento. She also mentioned looking at the results and ... frankly, it sounded implied that I have it or that's in the records? Ish? I wrote down "that was affirmed through testing" as being something that was said, and that I hear the results on the 21st. So, hopeful. Like she kinda wanted to argue with me for getting it and said the same old shit about how depression symptoms can make you look like you have ADHD, I said I had that stuff before and I didn't think it was a big deal and this shit is exacerbating it, probably. (Also, this and this.

I only got so many notes taken during things and god knows my recollection of conversations without isn't the best, but I'll try. Asked about family, friends, that sort of thing, is there a history of depression (not in too many people to my knowledge), is there one of ADHD (yes), the history of how the job went bad.

She seemed surprised that I say bad things about myself and that I say them pretty deadpan and don't look upset about it. I said thinking bad things about myself is like breathing air, I've been picked on for a long long long long time, my history of bullying, my history of parents and job judging the shit out of me, etc. She asked if that went into the rest of life and well, somewhat. I've internalized it all. She was basically all, we're gonna work on this self-compassion thing. I did like her saying, "there's a way to be compassionate to yourself without denying reality," which I very much approve of.

About the one time I cried was when you-know-who somehow came up in conversation. I think it was about emotional dysregulation, something like that? And I said I've been having meltdowns and blurting things when they start picking on me these days, I act out more when they're not seeing me but even with eyes on, I'm losing it.

She did mention liquid Prozac and other non-pill methods of consumption--"we use them on kids all the time." So, yay there. We did not discuss the drug test results, probably because there was nothing to discuss :)

She said the goal of this was to cope with the stress, mentioned DBT, and while they don't like it being a job-related situation because then I have to go back into it, at least that way we can "plan your next meltdown." Hacking our own biology to redirect, that I'm in fight or flight and then I'm not good to myself when I'm there. She mentioned having a day for "coping ahead," "distress tolerance," and self-compassion. She asked how I deal with uncertainty and I said, uh, about as well as anyone else does, not very? She said I "definitely have an adjustment disorder" but the symptoms might go away if the situation changed.

Anyway: they have 5 therapists rotating through, the first hour is "community meeting" with 25 people and you say your name and a goal like learning a skill or finding out more about the program, then you learn a new skill for an hour, then you do wrapup and questions. You later meet with a psychiatrist and I meet with her again next Friday. I said I'd go to the in-person group as well on Wednesday.

So, I got in, I start tomorrow, huzzah. She also sent me a ton of reminders and links and videos, some of which I got through (mostly on meditation and self-compassion) and now I am onto The Crown.

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